


JACKQUEST

by Jackquest



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood and Gore, Crimes & Criminals, Dismemberment, Hats, Homicide, Murder, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Puzzles, Revenge, Self-Harm, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-06 10:18:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 39,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6749593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackquest/pseuds/Jackquest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is JACK NOIR.</p><p>A community driven fanwork.</p><p>(User submitted commands are preceded by a ==>)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jailbreak (Episode 1: A Fistful of Glass)

# JACKQUEST

#### CHAPTER ONE

Your name is **JACK NOIR.**

You were betrayed by a TRAITOROUS DAME and are seeking REVENGE.

You are currently incarcerated in MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON, and have been for a countless amount of time. You would have used some kind of SHARP OBJECT to keep track of the passage of time, if you had seen any in ages. 

Your cell is cramped, and even worse, SOFT. There is a single door leading in and out of the cell that is HEAVILY FORTIFIED, where food is left for you three times a day, but after an incident involving a NAPKIN and a STYROFOAM BOWL you no longer see any GUARDS. They simply tranquilize you and leave. There is a single LIGHT SOURCE at the top of the ceiling, but no cameras. A SLIGHT HUM comes from the other side of the door.

You are currently missing an arm, specifically your RIGHT. What you can only describe as a STUB hangs from your SIDE in its place.

Your inventory consists solely of a TOOTH you lost earlier today.

What will you do?

**== > Begin humming along to the tune outside. It's important to stay positive and keep morale high.**

You attempt to HUM ALONG to the tune. You end up sounding like an INSECT for several minutes and feel slightly AT PEACE. 

You slap yourself. None of that.

**== > Start using the tooth to scratch the passage of time into the wall.**

You take your TOOTH and drag it into the wall to create a SCRATCH.

This rips a long line into the fabric. WHITE FLUFF oozes out.

**== > Continue scratching the walls. Remove as much of the WHITE FLUFF as we can and pile it up in the corner.**  
**== > Create a smaller incision on the other side of the cell for use of hiding contraband later, perhaps on the floor or ceiling.**

You stick your hand into the scratch and retrieve A MOUND OF WHITE FLUFF.

It morphs a bit to accommodate your grasp. It seems to have some properties of FOAM.

You continue to make scratches along the walls of your cell, scooping out WHITE FLUFF until you have placed a SIZABLE AMOUNT in one corner. You pride yourself on your work.

**== > Begin sharpening the carapace on your fingers to create IMPROVISED STABBING IMPLEMENTS.**

You bite on your tooth and begin to whittle away at your INDEX FINGER. Unfortunately, it breaks as soon as your finger looks REASONABLY SHARP.

You now have 2 TOOTH HALVES.

**== > Use white fluff to build a fort.**

Using your WHITE FLUFF you build an IMPRESSIVE FORT, and hide inside to mourn the loss of your TOOTH.

You notice a DARK SHAPE inside the walls of your fort.

**== > Examine the door**

The door is DRAB and GRAY, with no way to look outside or place things inside. At least they got SOMETHING right.

**== > Examine the DARK SHAPE.**

You dig out the DARK SHAPE.

Its... a METAL FIST.

**== > Manifest into the imaginary world.**

You are far too ANGRY and SOBER to participate in any acts of IMAGINATION.

**== >Give the METAL FIST a high five.**

You give the metal fist a HIGH FIVE.

The fist bumps into your open hand.

Awkward.

**== > Can we equip the METAL FIST?**

You try to connect the fist with your STUB. Some kind of FLAT MECHANICAL DEVICE was attached to it with DUBIOUS PURPOSE. 

It does not connect.

**== > Increase the tempo to turn it into a DEATH METAL FIST.**

You increase your TEMPO. After HEADBANGING for several minutes you get a headache and need to sit down. 

The METAL FIST remains unchanged.

 

**== > EXAMINE "FEELINGS"**

You feel EXTRA VENGEFUL due to your recent recollection of past events. You are also ANGRY as usual.

**== > Bang FIST against the door repeatedly.**

You bang the METAL FIST with your OTHER HAND against the door. It barely makes a sound. It must be thick.

**== > Insert fist past sphincter.**

You wonder what a SPHINCTER is, and why you would part with your dear METAL FIST for it.

**== > examine ceiling**

The CEILING of your cell contains its single light source. It is a LAMP that flickers once every hour. You have been using it to KEEP TRACK OF THE TIME, but only once you have awoken. So your estimates are often SHIT.

Attempts to FUSS WITH THE LAMP have been limited by your HEIGHT.

**== > Bang the fist against the formerly soft wall you heard humming through in an attempt to communicate.**

You bang the METAL FIST against the FORMERLY SOFT WALL. Surprisingly, it is STILL SOFT. There seems to be a ridiculous amount of fluff, as seen by your METAL FIST beginning to sink into it.

You quickly pry it out.

**== >Examine lock?**

There is no LOCK on the door. You have no idea how it is opened.

**== > Consume two halves of tooth to absorb its biting power.**

You consume the TWO TOOTH HALVES. It is probably the SIXTH most painful thing you have ever ingested, and immediately regret doing it.

**== > Attempt to wet fluff with saliva to sharpen it to craft a shiv.**

You lick a handful of the WHITE FLUFF.

It tastes rancid, and you do a spit take. You feebly attempt to sharpen it, but it continues to be MUSHY.

**== > Dig into the soft wall. Make a big hole and find treasures.**  
**== > Hum FRANK SINATRA to pass the time.**

You continue to dig with your hands into the RIGHT WALL in search of more POTENTIAL TREASURES, but your efforts are in vain. You do find a wall some meters in however.

You hum the words FRANK SINATRA while you do this.

**== > This hand of mine glows with an awesome power!**

You do an INSPIRATIONAL POSE invoking the POWER OF THE ANIME GODS.

Nothing happens.

**== > Stuck fingers down throat to induce vomiting and recover tooth halves.**

You attempt to INDUCE VOMITING, but you can only continuously gag. You must not have enough FLUIDS.

 **== > throw metal fist at lamp**

You chuck your METAL FIST at the LAMP

It CRACKS a little.

**== > Throw metal fist at lamp until it breaks**

You continue to chuck the METAL FIST at the LAMP. It cracks further, and on the third toss it shatters. Multiple PIECES OF GLASS clatter to the floor as the room goes dark.

Now the only source of light is your DUBIOUS DEVICE. Great job.

**== > use glass pieces on self, drink blood to recover fluids**

You slice your ARM and suck in a little of your BLOOD. Your FLUIDS are replenished.

The GLASS PIECE you picked up appears to be BURNED, by the light of your DEVICE.

**== > Check for food supply left by guards, consume if found after checking for broken glass in it. **

The day's GUARD has not come in yet, so there is no FOOD. By your SHITTY ESTIMATES you have TWO HOURS until you are TRANQUILIZED.

 **== > Think about the TRAITOROUS DAME while cursing her name.**  
In frustration you curse your FORMER ASSOCIATE, one MS. PAINT, for her TREACHERY.

**== > Inspect DUBIOUS DEVICE.**

Your DUBIOUS DEVICE is a round piece of METAL, emitting a RED LIGHT from one side. It doesn't make a sound. You are rather sick of the RED LIGHT, but attempts to pry the DEVICE from your STUB have been unsuccessful.

**== >get tooth pieces back**

You again attempt to INDUCE VOMITING, with success. BLOOD mixed with yesterday's MILK splatters to the ground, along with your TWO TOOTH HALVES.

**== > Smash RED LIGHT with your METAL FIST**

You smash the LIGHT with your METAL FIST, which, to your frustration, only makes it larger. The RED LIGHT now emits a RED SQUARE upon the ground.

**== > Attempt to screw open DUBIOUS DEVICE**

You see nowhere to SCREW the DEVICE.

 **== > Hide FIST and DEVICE in wall before guards arrive. ******  
**== > Ponder how they TRANQUILIZE YOU.**  


You hide away your METAL FIST in the WALL before any GUARDS can discover you. 

You have NO IDEA how they are TRANQUILIZING YOU. You suspect it has to do with your DEVICE; it was attached after you assaulted a GUARD with your DINNER BOWL. You woke up the next day with your DEVICE attached to your STUB, and you now are knocked out whenever your DOOR opens. 

**== > Use glass shiv to cut out the RED SQUARE. Exit through RED HOLE.**

**You cut out the RED SQUARE with a GLASS PIECE.**

It isn't a REAL SQUARE, however, so you just make a NEAT SQUARE DRAWING on the ground. What did you think was going to happen doofus? 

You discover that this glass piece is also BURNT. 

**== > Wrap a GLASS SHARD in a SHRED OF YOUR CLOTHING to create an IMPROVISED STABBING IMPLEMENT**

You are COMPLETELY NAKED!

****== > Attempt to pry device off with glass shards?** **

You attempt to pry the DEVICE off your STUB. 

The glass shard breaks in TWO. No such luck. 

****== > Use burnt glass piece (which might be sterile) to carefully cut off dubious device** **

You SLICE around the DUBIOUS DEVICE. You begin to bleed, but it cannot be detached! It must go further into your BODY. 

****== > Expose the disgusting inedible fluff to the LIGHT.** **

You shine your RED LIGHT onto a MOUND OF WHITE FLUFF. 

It becomes a MOUND OF WHITE FLUFF WITH A RED SQUARE OF LIGHT ON IT. 

Nice! 

****== > Slice deeper.** **

You slice deeper into your STUB. You continue to BLEED. 

A RED LIGHT now pulsates from under your SKIN. 

****== > CUT until you have enough space to stick a couple of fingers in, and attempt to FORCIBLY REMOVE DEVICE USING YOUR HAND** **

You continue CUTTING and BLEEDING until you have enough room to FORCIBLY REMOVE THE DEVICE. 

You end up ripping off a good chunk of your STUB. Ow. 

****== > Examine RED LIGHT.** **

The RED LIGHT comes from a number of RED CIRCUITS that are pulsating up a METAL PANEL. They pass upwards into the rest of your STUB. 

There is also a picture of SOME ASSHOLE grafted into it. 

** **

****== > Are we suffering any adverse effects from losing all of this blood?** **

You are suffering no ADVERSE EFFECTS besides A LOT OF PAIN. 

****== > Examine the ENSCRIBED ANUS on the METAL PANEL.** **

No ANUSES to see here people. Just some BALD DOUCHEBAG. 

****== > Use WHITE FLUFF to stop the bleeding until you have a new idea about how to REMOVE THE DEVICE** **

You stuff the WOUND with the WHITE FLUFF. It does an excellent job of absorbing your BLOOD. 

The ASSHOLE is covered up, but the LIGHTS still flicker. 

****== > So we've never seen the BALD DOUCHEBAG before? No relation or resemblance to MS. Paint? ** **

You are unfamiliar with the BALD DOUCHEBAG, though you are offended by his PRESENCE in YOUR BODY. You make a mental note to OFF HIM when you make it out. 

****== > examine DOOR, try to see how it and the DEVICE might be related** **

You examine the DOOR. It hasn't stopped being BIG and GRAY with no real DEFINING QUALITIES. 

You smack the STUB DEVICE against it, to no avail. 

****== > rip apart the bed for more shiv making materials.** **

What BED? You don't have a BED. Apparently the GUARDS thought the room was SOFT ENOUGH for you to sleep on the floor like some kind of DOG. 

You are irritated at your own CHOICE OF WORDS. 

****== > smack the DEVICE against the DOOR repeatedly in an attempt to disable it** **

You smack the DEVICE against the DOOR repeatedly. It does nothing, save for making a small LIGHT SHOW CONSISTING OF A SINGLE RED SQUARE appear on the door for your troubles. 

****== > Cut out a square of WALL FABRIC to STOP BLEEDING/make SHIV HANDLES** **

You pick up an UNBURNT PIECE OF GLASS and slice a SQUARE OF FABRIC. You wrap the GLASS and create a SMALL SHIV. 

****== > attempt to CUT/STAB/RIP off the rest of your ARM STUB to remove the DEVICE** **

Using the SMALL SHIV you CUT/STAB/RIP the rest of your ARM STUB off. 

BLOOD and CARAPACE and WHITE FLUFF litter the floor. 

To your surprise, a large ROBOTIC LIMB extends from your SHOULDER, feeding into your BODY. RED LIGHT continues to pulsate. 

You continue to be IN PAIN. 

****== > Absorb as much BLOOD as you can with WHITE FLUFF, you never know when a large amount of thick red viscous liquid might come in handy.** **

You grab a few handfuls of WHITE FLUFF and soak up the copious amount of blood. 

This gives you 4 MOUNDS OF BLOODY FLUFF. 

****== > Why do we have a CARAPACE? Are we an insect?** **

You are an AGENT OF DERSE; you and your fellow DERSITES all have an outer layer of THICK CARAPACE. Not thick enough to withstand INTENSE STABBING, however. 

****== > Inspect ROBOTIC LIMB.** **

The ROBOTIC LIMB starts at your SHOULDER and extends several inches down to the DUBIOUS DEVICE. 

**== > We should inspect the ROBOTIC LIMB for any sign that we can connect a METAL FIST to it.**

There is nowhere to connect the METAL FIST to the DEVICE. The RED SQUARE OF LIGHT continues to shine from it.

**== > Would you mind doing a recap of the room and our items please?**

You inspect your ROOM.

The lights are currently OFF, save for a SQUARE OF RED LIGHT emitting from your DUBIOUS DEVICE attached to your newly-discovered ROBOTIC LIMB-STUB.

You are surrounded by SHARDS OF GLASS, some of which are BURNT. A WHITE FLUFF FORT sits in the middle of the room, which is covered in SCRATCHES. One of these scratches has a HOLE dug into it, which reaches a WALL.

Your inventory consists of a SMALL SHIV, TWO HALF TEETH, and FOUR BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS.

Your METAL FIST is hidden in the WALL.

**== > SLICK: HURL INSULTS AT DUBIOUS DEVICE.**

SLICK? You know nobody of the sort. You are one SLICK CUSTOMER, sure.

Nonetheless you hurl a STRING OF PROFANITIES at the DUBIOUS DEVICE.

Nothing happens. You feel a little better, but still A LOT OF PAIN.

**== > attempt to pry open ROBOTIC LIMB/DUBIOUS DEVICE to try and cut off the supply of whatever is knocking you out**

You take a BURNT PIECE OF GLASS and attempt to pry open your LIMB.

The lights FLASH and you are suddenly met with an INTENSE SHOCK. The picture of the ASSHOLE changes.

** **

You sit on your ass.

**== > place the DUBIOUS DEVICE against the door which is also made of metal. VIOLENTLY HAMMER the device with the METAL FIST. **

You retrieve your METAL FIST, and place the DUBIOUS DEVICE on the end of your LIMB against the DOOR.

You punch the device several times, which has NO RESULTS. It is frustratingly resilient.

**== > Build a FLUFF-MOUNTAIN under the lamp socket, climb up, insert DUBIOUS DEVICE.**

You quickly assemble a MAJESTIC FLUFF-MOUNTAIN in the middle of the room, and ascend to the top. Before your feet get sucked into it you leap upwards, extending your DUBIOUS DEVICE, but it merely slams into the SOCKET and bounces off. 

You fall back into the MAJESTIC FLUFF MOUNTAIN. 

Your RED SQUARE OF LIGHT illuminates TWO LAYERS OF GLASS and some WIRING. It seems all power has been cut. 

****== > Attempt to appease the bald man on your DEVICE by complimenting his appearance** **

You compliment the BALD ASSHOLE'S appearance, lying through your teeth. Who does this guy think he is anyway? 

It seems to have no effect. 

****== > Examine the RED SQUARE** **

The RED SQUARE OF LIGHT emanates from a HOLE in your DEVICE, several inches in width and length. 

You SWOOSH it across your walls several times until you get BORED. 

****== > Jam VARIOUS OBJECTS into RED SQUARE** **

You take your SHANK and jam it into the RED SQUARE OF LIGHT. 

Considering it is made of LIGHT it does very little but scratch up the FLOOR you were pointing at. 

****== > Jam TOOTH PIECE into the HOLE** **

You jam a TOOTH HALF into the HOLE. 

You are now projecting a TOOTH HALF on the floor. 

****== > pour some blood in the hole too, for good measure** **

You take one of your BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS and squeeze it tight. Blood pours down onto the HOLE. 

Now it's a DARKER RED TOOTH HALF PROJECTION. 

****== > remove tooth from HOLE, pour blood out of the HOLE into another FLUFF MOUND so as not to diminish this most precious of resources** **

You remove the TOOTH HALF from the HOLE, and shake it above a FRESH FLUFF MOUND. You are back to FOUR BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS. 

****== > gaze inside the HOLE** **

You gaze into the HOLE with your RIGHT EYE. 

You are BLINDED! 

****== > Pan our little light source around the room, see if anything catches our eye.** **

Squeezing your right eye shut in irritation, you survey the room with your RED SQUARE OF LIGHT. 

You see your FORT, your BLOODY MOUNDS, and a large amount of GLASS, some of which is BURNT. 

****== > Let's collect the WIRING, it could be useful.  
**== > Don't collect the wiring, we might need it still attached to electricity!**** **

Despite your INTERNAL STRUGGLES, you jump up on the FORT and reach with your GOOD ARM. 

You retrieve a HANDFUL OF VARIOUS WIRES. More GLASS clatters to the floor. 

**== > What's the floor made of?**

You examine the FLOOR. It is made out of SOFT PADDING, similar to the remaining WALLS. 

******== > What's our current shitty reckoning of time till we get knocked out?** ** **

By your SHITTY RECKONING OF TIME, it may be an HOUR until the GUARD comes. You are impressed with how much you've FUCKED AROUND in the span of a SINGLE HOUR. 

******== >Squawk like an imbecile and shit on the nearest desk.** ** **

You will engage in no such SHENANIGANS. Besides, they didn't even give you a DESK! 

******== > attempt to pry the panel with the image of the BALD ASSHOLE off of the DEVICE** ** **

You attempt to pry the BALD ASSHOLE off of your LIMB. You are greeted with another SHOCK TO YOUR SYSTEM. 

** **

It's just not happening. 

******== > Grab a FISTFUL OF GLASS and shred every padded part of the cell** ** **

You grab a FISTFUL OF GLASS and whirl around the room like a SMALL ANGRY TORNADO. It is covered in 100% more rips and tears. 

You notice the BURNT GLASS looks ODDLY MARKED. 

******== > inspect BURNT GLASS** ** **

You inspect the BURNT GLASS. The BURNS are oddly placed. 

******== > collect all GLASS PIECES** ** **

You SCURRY around the room, collecting as many glass pieces as a GUY WITH ONE EYE AND ONE ARM can. 

You place the BURNT GLASS in one pile and the REGULAR GLASS in another, feeling satisfied with yourself. 

**== > make BADASS EYEPATCH out of WALL FABRIC**

You cut a BADASS EYEPATCH out of some of the WALL FABRIC. Hell yes. 

You attempt to tie it behind your head with ONE ARM and FAIL. 

******== > place all of the BURNT GLASS together and attempt to make out an image from the pieces** ** **

You assemble the BURNT GLASS. 

It creates some sort of ABSTRACT ART. 

** **

You hate ABSTRACT ART. 

**********== >Lets try shining the RED LIGHT onto the HATEFUL ABSTRACT ART.**  
**== > shine RED LIGHT upon HORRENDOUS ART**  
**== > discover the wonders of ELECTRONIC COMMERCE**

You shine your RED SQUARE OF LIGHT upon the HIDEOUS ARTWORK. 

You hear a chime. Your DUBIOUS DEVICE whirrs, and begins to spin open a LARGER HOLE in its center as the RED LIGHT sinks inwards. 

******== > Insert ABSTRACT ART into HOLE** ** **

Absolutely not. You want nothing further to do with the ABSTRACT ART. You trample it into DUST with your feet in a TANTRUM and try your best to forget about it. 

******== > jam FIST into LARGER HOLE** ** **

You retrieve the METAL FIST and apply it to your ROBOTIC LIMB. 

It slowly sinks into the DEVICE, before spinning and clicking into place. 

You hear three chimes. Your fist suddenly OPENS, and a CRUMPLED PIECE OF PAPER falls to the floor. 

Suddenly, the DOOR swings open, almost smashing your head in. BRIGHT LIGHTS emanate from OUTSIDE.. 

******== > examine CRUMPLED PAPER** ** **

You examine the CRUMPLED PAPER. 

It reads as follows. 

** **

******== > Stay behind the BLAND DOOR, so that whoever enters will not immediately see us.** ** **

You hide behind the BLAND DOOR, new COMPLETED STUB-LIMB ready to strike at the next sucker to walk in and attempt to APPREHEND YOU. 

Nothing happens. 

******== > Construct a second MAKESHIFT SHIV.** ** **

You fasten another MAKESHIFT SHIV. 

******== > with your new found two-handedness, properly fasten the BADASS EYEPATCH you made earlier**  
**== > Don BADASS EYEPATCH.** ** **

Using your new SHORTER THAN USUAL BUT STILL USEFUL APPENDAGE you don your BADASS EYEPATCH. 

** **

Are you ready to leave? You have a feeling you'll NEVER RETURN. 

Because its a CELL. Duh. 

**********Your inventory:**  
-BADASS EYEPATCH  
-SHORT ROBOTIC LIMB  
-2x MAKESHIFT SHIV  
-4x BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS  
-2x TOOTH HALVES 

********== > leave CELL, starting a small-but-sure-to-grow JAIL CELL FLUFF FIRE on your way out, to spite the room that has kept you imprisoned for so long**  
**== > Lets get the fuck out of the CELL. The walls were unpleasantly SOFT and the ABSTRACT ART was vile. There is nothing left for us here.** ** ** **

Crossing your VARIOUS WIRES, you produce a spark upon your BELOVED FLUFF FORT. Unsurprisingly it is VERY FLAMMABLE. 

As you stride out into the light, you give one last MIDDLE FINGER to the room of your confinement, currently ABLAZE. 

You got a lot of business to attend to. 

It's time to play a GAME. 

********\-- [END OF EPISODE 1] --** ** ** **

===============================

A wall of monitors in a dark room.

A figure sits, watching. They type upon a keyboard. Currently, Jack Noir's middle finger encompasses the main monitor, a gargantuan image.

"She has arrived," a voice intones from the monitors.

The figure says nothing, simply inputting a command. 

"Recieving now." 

They continue to watch the monitor. Jack steps out into the hallway, and is gone.

They lace their fingers and wait.

**=== > END OF TRANSMISSION **


	2. Jailbreak (Episode 2: Red Fist Blue Fist)

** **

Your name is **JACK NOIR.**

You have been wandering the halls of a MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON ever since you broke out of your CELL through a series of SHENANIGANS, which left you with a BLINDED RIGHT EYE and a ROBOTIC METAL STUB for an arm.

The halls have been EMPTY and WINDOWLESS, and you are growing tired of STAIRS. You'd almost feel like THROWING YOURSELF DOWN THEM if you weren't propelled by your desire for VENGEANCE and ACTS OF VIOLENCE.

You have stopped before a pair of DOUBLE DOORS due hearing some STRANGE NOISES behind them.

What will you do?

**Inventory:**  
_-BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_-2x MAKESHIFT SHIV (glass)_  
_-4x BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS (flammable)_  
_-2x TOOTH HALVES_

== > Jack: Masturbate furiously  
==> Stand in front of the double door and start masturbating furiously.  


You consider the NOTION, having been recently equipped with a new METAL HAND, but your STUB is far too short! Fiddlesticks. 

==> Stand, back to wall, next to the door and knock 

You place your back against the wall and knock, waiting for the next POOR SAP TO RECEIVE A GOOD STABBING. 

Nothing happens. 

==> Equip SHIV 

You equip a MAKESHIFT SHIV. 

==> Put ear up against the wall and listen through door 

You hear a series of LOUD THUMPS in the distance. 

==> Make a series of loud thumps in response 

You smack your METAL FIST against the DOUBLE DOORS in response, leaving a SIZABLE DENT. 

There is no response. The LOUD THUMPS continue unabated. 

==> Kick down the door and give the finger at somebody. 

Letting your INSTINCTS take over, you kick the doors open while blasting the thumpers with your GESTURE OF PROFANITY. 

You are greeted with another EMPTY HALLWAY. However there is a STRANGE DOOR on the other end, colored BLUE and RED. 

The THUMPS are louder, accompanied by a STRANGE WHIRRING. 

==> knock on blue and red door and see if anyone comes out  
==> Time to use the good old tactic... LEEEROY JEEEEKINS!!!  


Invoking the power of SOME GUY, you CHARGE FORWARD IN RECKLESS ABANDON towards the STRANGE DOOR before suddenly screeching to a halt. 

A GIGANTIC RED ROBOT appears from the RIGHT SIDE of another hallway. It resembles a TWO LEGGED BIRD, only ANGRIER and LACKING FEATHERS. It THUMPS out of sight to the LEFT after several moments. It seems to not have noticed you. 

The HALLWAY in front of you remains EMPTY. There is also, now apparent, a hallway to your LEFT and RIGHT. 

==> Jack: Chase the robot down. 

You ENGAGE IN PURSUIT with the RED ROBOT, which is not the most difficult feat considering its GENTLE PACE. 

You are now behind the RED ROBOT. It continues on its PATH, of which you CANNOT SEE on account of it being GIGANTIC. 

==> Attempt to climb the robot 

The RED ROBOT is rather SQUAT, so you SUCCESSFULLY attempt to climb it. You are now hanging onto its BACK. 

You now hear LOUD THUMPS somewhere BEHIND you. 

==> Ascend to the highest point on the robot. 

You ASCEND to the HIGHEST MANAGEABLE POINT, considering the robot takes up most of the HALLWAY. You climb on top of its head and duck down to avoid the ceiling. The ROBOT has not acknowledged you yet. 

You can now see the ROBOT is at a JUNCTURE. It is beginning now to turn towards a HALLWAY to the RIGHT, a process which is NOT VERY QUICk. 

The LOUD THUMPS behind you have ceased, but you now hear a series of QUICK BEEPS. 

==> Perform some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE in the general direction of the HALLWAY to the RIGHT, to get away from the beeping which is obviously a BOMB. 

You perform a MURDEROUS MANEUVER to the RIGHT, springing off the ROBOT and landing into the HALLWAY clear of danger. The BEEPING stops. 

The ROBOT seems to have noticed your ANTICS now that you are in its FIELD OF VIEW. It completes its TURN, and begins BEEPING as it faces you. 

==> Attempt to stab the robot. 

You SHANK the GIGANTIC ROBOT right in its ROBOTIC GUTS. 

Your HOMEMADE SHANK breaks into little pieces against its HARD EXTERIOR. 

The ROBOT slowly turns downwards to observe you with what appear to be SMALL EYES. 

==> Go behind it to test it's memory 

You SCAMPER underneath the ROBOT before it can continue to do WHATEVER THE HELL. It pauses for several moments, before resetting its position and continuing ONWARDS. Its memory appears to be COMPLETE SHIT. 

You now can hear LOUD STOMPS resume behind you. 

==> Equip second shiv and turn around. 

You equip your second HOMEMADE SHIV and WHIP AROUND to face whatever it is STOMPING YOUR WAY. 

It appears to be a BLUE ROBOT, similar in build to the RED ONE It is beginning its LABORIOUS TURN to face you, but does not seem to have SPOTTED YOU yet. 

==> Run under the robot and into the other hallway. 

Before it can notice you, you make a mad dash under the BLUE ROBOT. Its stomp shakes the ground under your feet, but you seem to have made it to RELATIVE SAFETY. 

Now there are TWO ROBOTS behind you, and an EMPTY HALLWAY in front of you. 

==> climb the blue bot 

You HOP N' CLING to the BLUE ROBOT'S back. 

You see a number of wires and panels stretching across its backside. 

==> I want to figure out what they do, but I simply can't control my stabbing hand. Slice em, slick 

Using your SHARPENED INDEX DIGIT, which DIDN'T STOP BEING A THING, you carve off the LARGEST PANEL. It drops behind you. 

There appear to be several LEVERS; THREE to be exact. 

==> invert whichever is the furthest left 

The LEVERS are placed in a HORIZONTAL ROW. 

You YANK on the LEFT LEVER, which is somewhat of a HASSLE. You hear a series of CLICKS as the ROBOT, continuing on its path, raises a LEFT ARM from its TORSO. 

The LEVER has been pulled HALFWAY. 

==> Punch 'em. 

You smack the MIDDLE LEVER. It pushes into the panel, which causes a series of SPARKS and BAD NOISES. 

The Robot's LEFT ARM begins to rapidly PUNCH OUTWARDS like a piston. Turning into ANOTHER HALLWAY, the punches leaves several CRATERS in the walls. 

You see the BLUE AND RED DOOR up ahead. 

==> Left lever up to 11, if all goes well it's MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE 

****

== > Left lever back to middle, right to middle 

You crank the LEFT LEVER to its CLOSEST SETTING. 

The LEFT ARM rises up into a kind of GUARD POSITION. However, the RAPID PUNCHING means that the BLUE ROBOT begins to destroy the CEILING. 

You cling closely to avoid the debris. 

==>Left lever back to middle, right to middle 

==> remember how to distinguish between my left and right 

Taking note on the crucial differences between your LEFTS and RIGHTS, you push the LEFT LEVER back to HALFWAY and pull the RIGHT LEVER to HALFWAY. 

The BLUE ROBOT is now PUNCHING FURIOUSLY with both of its arms directly in front of it. You can see the RED ROBOT about to turn the corner up ahead in the HALLWAY. 

The BLUE AND RED DOOR is very close. It seems to have TWO FISTS imprinted on it, one on EACH SIDE. 

==> attempt to RAPIDLY PUNCH the BLUE AND RED DOOR. 

The ROBOT keeps punching in ONE DIRECTION ONLY! You do not know how to STEER IT. 

==> mount the RED ROBOT. see if there are any similar CONTROLS on it. 

You LEAP off the BLUE ROBOT and head underneath it, making a dash for the RED ROBOT as it turns the FAR CORNER. 

You hear a number of BEEPS behind you. You seem to have triggered a response from the BLUE ROBOT; you hear its thumps QUICKEN as it ACCELERATES ITS PACE in your direction. 

==> keep our eye on them both 

You look back as your HASTEN YOUR GAIT, and turn the CORNER. 

The RED ROBOT has begun its VERY SLOW PATH through the HALLWAY. You leap onto its back and pry off the BACK PANEL with your SHARPENED DIGIT. 

The LEVERS are the EXACT SAME. From behind you it seems the BLUE ROBOT has almost MADE THE CORNER. 

==> PULL the MIDDLE LEVER. it seems to activate the actual function. 

You PULL the MIDDLE LEVER this time. It is MUCH EASIER to YANK. 

The RED ROBOT suddenly HOPS UPWARD into the air, taking you for a ride. It crashes down again, and after PULLING YOURSELF TOGETHER and you notice two HOLES in the floor. You must have manually activated the PUNCHING SYSTEM before LIFTING ANY ARMS. 

The BLUE ROBOT begins its TURN towards your direction; it smashes the wall as it does so. 

===> Use your FOOT to press the LEFT LEVER on the back of the RED ROBOT in order UPPERCUT the BLUE ROBOT's head. 

Using your FOOT, you yank the LEFT LEVER to get the RED ROBOT into an UPPERCUT POSITION. 

You watch as the LEFT ARM begins to raise, but the ROBOT continues to face the OPPOSITE DIRECTION! Goddamn lousy- 

Suddenly the BLUE ROBOT careens into the hallway behind you. It begins to CHARGE! 

==> Jack: Hump the red robot and position yourself so that you jizz on the blue robot 

In a PANIC, you tap into your SEXUAL FRUSTRATION to WRITHE LIKE A DEVIANT. 

Your mania lets loose a SERIES OF WIRES. 

The BLUE ROBOT is advancing! 

==> Lower the LEFT LEVER on the back of the RED ROBOT and raise the RIGHT LEVER. Maybe this will get it to turn. 

You lower the LEFT LEVER while simultaneously raising the RIGHT LEVER. 

The RED ROBOT moves its LEFT ARM down while raising its RIGHT ARM upwards, but it refuses to turn! 

The BLUE ROBOT is now TWO LARGE STEPS AWAY. You can hear its pistons punch through the air. 

The RED ROBOT suddenly begins turning to face it, but does so RIDICULOUSLY SLOWLY. You seem to be due for a SEVERE POUNDING. 

==> Aw shit mang, JUMP from the RED ROBOT onto the lower section of the BLUE ROBOT, hastily scrambling onto its back to evade the SEVERE POUNDING. 

Before you can get smashed into a FINE PASTE, you launch yourself back onto the ADVANCING ROBO. You smack into its chassis like a BUG ON A WINDSHIELD. 

The RED ROBOT fares much worse. Before it can complete a FULL TURN it receives a flurry of RAPID-FIRE PUNCHES, crunching into its INTERIOR as it begins to BUCKLE INWARDS. SPARKS and SCRAP METAL fly everywhere. 

The BLUE ROBOT continues its ACCIDENTAL ONSLAUGHT. 

==> Watch in child like glee 

You may be responsible for COUNTLESS ATROCITIES, but you have never BROKEN OUT OF JAIL and ignited a GIANT ROBOT BRAWL in the same day. This may be the BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. 

You continue to OBSERVE as the BLUE ROBOT utterly demolishes the DEFENSELESS RED, its limbs CRUNCHING BACKWARDS into its OWN BODY. 

Finally, after minutes of carnage, the RED ROBOT hunkers down, little more than a SCRAP HEAP. The BLUE ROBOT remains still. 

==> acquire SCRAP METAL for superior STABBING MATERIAL 

Having your BEST INTERESTS in mind, you hop off the BLUE ROBOT and pick up a number of SCRAP PIECES. 

You now have 3x MEDIUM SCRAP PIECES. 

==> examine CORPSE of the RED ROBOT 

You investigate the RED ROBOT. 

It looks to be just a SMOLDERING LUMP. You walk around it in a circle giving it a good drubbing with your METAL FIST, just to be safe. 

On your fourth DRUB a DENTED COMPARTMENT collapses outwards. 

A LARGE RED FIST rolls out onto the floor. 

==> equip LARGE RED FIST 

You attempt to UNEQUIP your METAL HAND, but it will not budge, no matter how much you NAW on it. 

You examine the LARGE RED FIST. You flip it around to see if it has an ACCESS PORT. 

You find this. 

==> Throw RED FIST at the BLUE ROBOT in frustration. 

Thoroughly FED UP with these MINDGAMES you chuck the LARGE RED FIST at the BLUE ROBOT that has been standing by idly. It bounces off it with a CLANG. 

The BLUE ROBOT studies you IMPARTIALLY. 

==> run away from BLUE ROBOT 

You make a MADCAP DASH away from the BLUE ROBOT before it can PISTON PUNCH you. 

Looking OVER YOUR SHOULDER you see it seems to be doing FUCK-ALL. Its PUNCH MECHANISMS have CEASED. 

==> Retrieve the LARGE RED FIST and give it to the BLUE ROBOT as an offer of cooperation. 

You approach the BLUE ROBOT and present it the LARGE RED FIST in an attempt to win its COOPERATION. 

The BLUE ROBOT simply stares, before beeping numerous frequencies. A LARGE COMPARTMENT opens in its CHASSIS; a LARGE BLUE FIST tumbles out! 

"YOU COULD'VE JUST ASKED. MORON." 

Before you can RETORT, the BLUE ROBOT steps behind a WALL PANEL that seals shut behind it. You are left alone. 

==> Examine LARGE BLUE FIST after expressing your frustration. 

After SLANDERING the ROBOT and its ROBOT MOTHER whilst POUNDING THE WALL for a solid minute, you turn to the LARGE BLUE FIST. 

It, similarly to the LARGE RED FIST, is lacking an ACCESS PORT! 

==> Hold both fists and attempt to connect them in a dignified manner. 

You hold aloft the LARGE MULTICOLORED FISTS, and attempt your best DIGNIFIED CONNECTION betwixt the two. 

It looks less like a FIST BUMP and more like TWO ALIASED PLANES COLLIDING. 

Oh well. 

==>Go back to the multicolored doors and fit them with their respectively colored fists. 

You head back to the GARISHLY COLORED DOOR. 

You insert the RED FIST into the INDENT on the RED SIDE. It attaches MAGNETICALLY. You do the same for the BLUE FIST. 

The doors begin to hum, then beep. On the fifth beep, MUSIC begins to play over some kind of HIDDEN SPEAKER as the doors slowly swing open. 

You proceed through to find ANOTHER GODDAMN HALLWAY, of which at the end are MORE GODDAMN STAIRS. These ones, however, go down at an ANGLE. 

==> Proceed down the STAIRS, brandishing SCRAP PIECES. 

==> Check for WARNINGS about the stairs before carefully descending.

Showing IMMENSE CAUTION, you check the STAIRS for anything that might hamper a successful DESCENT. 

When you are pleased to see how RIDICULOUSLY SAFE these STAIRS seem to be, you brandish your SCRAP PIECES proceed to make your way down as CAREFULLY AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT ANY MISHAPS OR ANTICS. 

You make it halfway down before an AIRHORN startles you and makes you tumble the rest of the way like a PIECE OF SHIT. 

You are now at the BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, A piece of SCRAP METAL is embedded in your LEFT FOOT. 

You seem to be in a RECEPTION ROOM. 

==> LOUDLY MOAN and demand to be taken HOME 

You MOAN like a WHALE and yell for SOMEONE to ESCORT YOU OFF THE PREMISES. 

Nobody seems to be home. 

==> Look for a RECEPTIONIST and threaten them with your SCRAP. ==> Examine your new surroundings after SWEARING PROFUSELY. 

You glance about. 

The room is COMPLETELY EMPTY, yet STERILE. Pictures of DISTRESSINGLY SCENIC VIEWS adorn the walls, and the chairs are comprised of dull hues. You see no one to THREATEN, a scenario that FRUSTRATES YOU.

==> Remove metal from foot, draw SOMEONE YOU HATE on the wall with your blood. Then threaten them with a SHIV FRENZY 

After ripping the METAL from your RIGHT FOOT, you draw SOMEONE YOU HATE on the wall with your BLOOD. 

You slash your GLASS SHANK at their MEMORY.

==> take a DUMP out of FRUSTRATION 

As much as you would love to SHIT ALL OVER THIS ROOM, you have not EATEN in a GOOD WHILE! 

==> Drain the BLOOD from one of the BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS and shove it in your foot hole after removing the metal. 

You drain a BLOODY FLUFF MOUND, squeezing your OLD BLOOD all over the CRAPPY CARPET. You then shove it into your FOOT HOLE. 

You have lost one BLOODY FLUFF MOUND and gained a BLOODY PIECE OF SCRAP.

==> Time to LOOK FOR AN EXIT 

The EXIT is RELATIVELY CLOSE. Down the hall there seems to be a pair of DOUBLE DOORS: this time, however, they are GLASS. You can see LIGHT shining through them. 

You have a feeling you will NOT BE RETURNING to this WRETCHED HIVE of PUZZLES and ROBOTS. Are you ready to leave? 

==> DEFACE the SCENIC VIEWS before exiting. 

You leave your MARK upon this PIECE OF SHIT. You hope WHOEVER'S WATCHING is getting the message. 

==> Untie handle of MAKESHIFT SHIV, and make a METAL SHIV out of the MEDIUM SCRAP PIECE 

You untie the handle on your MAKESHIFT GLASS SHIV, re-purposing it for a MAKESHIFT METAL SHIV. 

You pocket the leftover GLASS SHARD. 

Is it time to leave? 

==> Exit PUZZLE HELL. Remain STYLISH and play some FITTING MUSIC in your head as you BLOW THIS POPSICLE STAND. 

==> can we try and SMASH THE GLASS DOORS to gain an INORDINATE AMOUNT OF POTENTIAL SHIVS ?

You've had enough of this RIDICULOUSNESS. You amble towards the DOOR, tracking LOOSE BLOOD upon the CARPET. 

Upon reaching the DOORS, through which BRIGHT LIGHT shines, you see a small INDEX CARD taped to it. 

It reads: 

Unfortunately, you plan to SCREW ALL OF THIS UP. 

You smash your METAL FIST through the GLASS DOORS, and LET YOURSELF OUT. 

You walk out into the SUNLIGHT, and it engulfs you. 

**\--[END OF EPISODE 2]--**

===============================

Two figures stand illuminated in front of the wall of monitors. The first remains hunched over, typing away into a keyboard. The other stays standing, looking at the pictures in fascination. They hold their hands behind their back.

"How long did it take him to get out?"

The figure at the keyboard continues to type.

"It took him an hour. But not before blinding himself on the code scanner and ripping all his flesh off on one arm."

"Oh."

There is silence between the two. The standing figure rubs their thumbs together, nervously. On the monitors, Jack is investigating a large pile of what used to be a robot. 

"Did you know that he could have skipped this part entirely if he just talked to the robots?"

The standing figure does a double take. They look at the typer incredulously. 

"Did he?"

The typer looks over. "Of course not. He stabbed them."

The other figure sighs and rubs their face. "Are you trying to make me reconsider this? This sounds worse by the second!" 

The sitting figure stops typing. They look up at their partner. "No, its alright. I expected just about all of this." 

Jack is currently watching as the blue robot steps into the wall, whisked away deep within the facility.

"There's only so much a rat in a maze is going to do, especially when its a really angry, stabby rat that likes stabbing things." 

The other figure sighs, and pushes up their glasses. 

"The next part is the most important part. Lets just see how he does." 

The monitors begin to beep. Jack is opening the colored doors. The seated figure whips around and begins typing. They look over. 

"You should go. He's about to head outside." 

The figure stands still, almost reconsidering, then shrugs their shoulders downwards. They squeeze the seated figure on the shoulder, then turn around and head off to the side.

"Hey, wait."

They stop in their tracks. They look back.

"Thank you Jane."

She exhales, mustering a small smile, before exiting.

**=== > [END OF TRANSMISSION]**


	3. Jailbreak (Episode 3: Nothin' But a Wang)

** **

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

After escaping from a hellish prison facility filled with ROBOTS AND PUZZLES, you are finally on the OUTSIDE.

The outside being a CRAMPED ALLEYWAY.

Glass litters the ground thanks to the DOUBLE DOORS you just SMASHED, and SUNLIGHT gleams from the ROOFTOPS far above.

What will you do?

**Your INVENTORY:**  
_-BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_-ROBOTIC ARM STUB equipped with METAL FIST_  
_-1x MAKESHIFT SHIV (glass)_  
_-1x MAKESHIFT SHIV (metal))_  
_-3x BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS (flammable)_  
_-2x MEDIUM SCRAP PIECES_  
_-2x TOOTH HALVES_  
_-1x BROKEN GLASS PIECE_

(WIP)

**== >Jack: Glide shard of glass against your shaft and masturbate furiously**

Almost there... almost...

DRAT! Your ARM STUB fails to reach your SHAFT. Foiled again by your DISABILITY.

**== > Tie glass shards to fist for claws then use those to climb to the rooftops.**

Using your newfound METAL SHIV you slice off a bit of your BADASS EYEPATCH, then use the fabric and some glass shards to create some CLAWS OF QUICK ASCENT.

You leap onto the NEARBY WALL, glass claws at the ready, but they break against the concrete and you fall into a BUNCH OF TRASHCANS.

**== > Rifle through trashcans for something to eat.**

You open up some of the trash cans on the hunt for EDIBLE TREASURES.

You find a number of SMELLY TAKEOUT BOXES, an OLD WALLET, a TOOTHBRUSH and a ROTTEN YELLOW FRUIT SHAPED LIKE THE MOON.

 

**== > take the OLD WALLET, the TOOTHBRUSH and the peel off that ROTTEN YELLOW FRUIT SHAPED LIKE THE MOON.**  
**== > Look through the OLD WALLET.**

You take the TOOTHBRUSH, and peel the skin from the ROTTEN YELLOW FRUIT.

It is, unsurprisingly, ROTTEN AND NASTY. You throw it against the wall, where it EXPLODES.

You rifle through the OLD WALLET and find a TWO DOLLAR BILL. You didn't even know these existed. Maybe it will be worth something someday?

You take the OLD WALLET.

**== > Examine TWO DOLLAR BILL to see whose ugly mug is on it.**

You have no idea who this is.

**== > Alright, move to the other end of the CRAMPED ALLEYWAY and keep a sharp eye out.**

You walk through the CRAMPED ALLEYWAY, passing by all sorts of URBAN ART, until you reach the end, where you are assaulted by BRIGHT LIGHTS.

In your daze a CIVILIAN skates by and stops to ogle at you.

**Ask what this rubber necker thinks he's lookin' at.**

You DEMAND TO KNOW who the CIVILIAN thinks he's ogling, brandishing your TOOTHBRUSH. It begins to VIBRATE.

The CIVILIAN panics and starts skating away hurriedly, leaving you alone at the end of the CRAMPED ALLEY.

**== > Examine URBAN ART for clues as to whose territory your in.**

You examine the URBAN ART.

You can't decipher this for shit. It just looks like a bunch of RIGHT ANGLES and ASSORTED BODY PARTS, which for you is nothing new.

You see something about a "DUDE" but that's all you can find.

**== > Regard fond memories of ASSORTED BODY PARTS.**  
**== > Deconstruct the OLD WALLET for LEATHER.**

You take a moment to FONDLY REGARD some past SEVERED LIMBS you have come across in your travels, both those you have FOUND and those you have INFLICTED YOURSELF.

You are having so much fun!

You SLICE the OLD WALLET with your METAL SHANK to create 2x LEATHER STRIPS.

**== > Make a new even more badass eye patch with the LEATHER STRIPS.**

You create an EVEN MORE BADASS EYEPATCH.

You deposit the WHITE FABRIC back into your INVENTORY.

**== > Examine surrounding all casual like.**  
**== > Use blood from BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS to deface URBAN ART.**

You head outside to survey things.

You are DAZZLED by an array of FLASHING NEON LIGHTS under an ORANGE SKY, the streets adorned with STRANGE SYMBOLS. Civilians wearing all sorts of STRANGE FASHION come and go and you are immediately swallowed into the crowd.

Judging by the VARIOUS ODORS you appear to be in some sort of MARKET DISTRICT.

You duck back into the ALLEYWAY one last time to smear your OLD BLOOD over the URBAN ART. 

Much improved.

You mosey back into the THRONG.

**== > Get dressed you fucking pervert.**

Oh right, CLOTHES. Those exist. You bump past a few GAWKERS towards the closest BRIGHT OBNOXIOUS STORE with mannequins in front of it, then head on in.

The SHOPKEEP greets you with a "Suh dude?" 

What are you looking to buy?

**== > Only the greatest of fashion shall adorn our carapace. But this doesn't look like a tailor so get a nice button-down shirt, some black slack and shiny black shoes.**

You inquire about purchasing a nice BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT.

The shopkeep looks at you funny. Sorry bruh, no can do, but check out this rack of the latest merch if you want the tightest shitz, bitch. He gestures over to a variety of shirts.

They seem to all be various COLORS and sport RANDOM WORDS on them.

_DUDE_  
_HELP_  
_CAT_  
_MOM_

You inquire about SHINY BLACK SHOES.

He presents you with a number of SNEAKERS.

**== > Grab some shit and throw it on. Don't bother paying.**

What SHIT will you GRAB?

**== > The Help shirt and the first pair of sneakers you see.**  
**== > The RADDEST SHIT in the CLOTHING ABORTION PILE.**

You grab some of the RADDEST SHIT you can find, and by that you mean the shirt on top of the pile and the first pair of sneakers you can get your mitts on.

Oddly enough you end up PARTIALLY COORDINATED. Victory?

**== > Stab him for calling you a bitch.**

You sock the SHOPKEEP in the jaw, and when he's KO'd on the FLOOR you stab him for calling you a bitch.

You hustle back into the crowd before someone calls the cops.

**== > Search for FOOD.**  
**== > Begin the secondary quest for better KNIVES and a gang of WELL SKILLED INDIVIDUALS to commit CRIMES and DRINK with.**

You find a FOOD TRUCK, from which spills a SUCCULENT ODOR.

The shopkeep gestures for you to GET YOUR NOODLE ON.

Would you like to buy some NOODLES?

_[SECONDARY QUEST LOGGED]_  
_[SQ: Find KNIVES and GANG]_

**== > Check status. How full are your HP, stamina, stab and shame meters?**

You check your STATUSES.

HP: FULL  
STAMINA: HUNGER  
STAB: FULFILLED  
SHAME: HIGH

**== > Get your noodle on.**  
**== > buy OODLES of NOODLES**  
**== > Get noodles, play in stabs.**  
**== > Get them noodles in yo' belly.**

You GET YOUR NOODLE ON.

The shopkeep ladles you a HEAPING BOWLFUL. You sit on a stool and begin to scarf it down as the shopkeep looks on.

**== > Ask if your TWO DOLLAR BILL is an acceptable form of payment for NOODLES.**

When you are FINISHED the shopkeep asks to be paid. You wave the TWO DOLLAR BILL at him; he blinks and then nods, gesturing for you to enter the FOOD TRUCK with him.

**== > Cautiously enter. Be ready to show him your stabs if he tries anything funny.**  
**== > Stab him as soon as your out of sight from the street.**

You ENTER CAUTIOUSLY.

The FOOD TRUCK is cramped. The shopkeep rummages around in what you assume is where the money is kept.

He turns around and hands you an ENVELOPE. 

He then tells you to read it only when you're sure NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. He emphasizes this so strongly its capitalized.

He then sighs. He says you also have to stab him. He points forlornly to his middle. He says not to worry, he won't yell, and if he does you can whack him with the nearby frying pan.

**== > Easiest decision of the night. Stab him.**  
**== > That's bullshit. Punch him in the snout and take a hit to your stab meter.**

Your INDECISION TO CHOOSE causes you to PUNCH him with your SHANK. It buries itself within his SNOUT.

He yells out in pain and asks you WHY.

**== > Hit him with the frying pan till he stops being a solid.**

You answer by braining him with the FRYING PAN.

You reduce his head into LIQUID, then retrieve your shank after wiping it on his apron.

**== > Rob the place the only way you know how.**

You step over the BODY and search around. You find a SMALL LOCKBOX that is, unfortunately, LOCKED.

**== > Take lockbox, remove any shopkeeper liquids on your body, then vacate the truck like it ain't no thang.**  
**== > Equip SPICY BLOODY APRON.**  
**== > Reclaim your TWO DOLLAR BILL.**

You take the LOCKBOX.

You got a bit of blood on your GARISH SHOES, but wipe them off on the APRON. You deposit the apron in your inventory as to remove the evidence. 

You find your beloved TWO DOLLAR BILL on the counter and swipe that back too.

Hopping out of the food truck, you slam the door shut behind you and head into the CROWD, where you immediately bump into a......

Uh.....

It asks you how you are doing tonight, citizen.

**== > FUCK THE POLICE**  
**== > Glare sullenly. Determine if you need to fill stab gauge.**  
**== > pretend to be the business owner**

Your STAB GAUGE is QUITE FULL, though it has NO MAXIMUM CAPACITY!

You, **JACK NOIR** , ain't nothin' to fuck with, so you glare sullenly at the COP and tell him to MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS. You just finished closing up YOURS. You thumb back at the NOODLE TRUCK.

It looks over, then back at you. It blinks. 

It then tells you to have a pleasantly ENDLESS EVENING, citizen, then trots off.

**== > Check out the ENVELOPE.**

A PRIMARY QUEST has been activated!

_[PQ: Find PLACE to open ENVELOPE]_

**== > Check out the ENVELOPE.**

From your memory its just a BLANK ENVELOPE. You don't pull it out to investigate. Someone must be watching.

**== > Find the nearest utility store so we can get the appropriate tool to unlock this box.**

You head to a store with GARISH SYMBOLS FLASHING, aka ALL OF THEM, though this one has a NEON HAMMER on it.

The shopkeep greets you and asks what you're looking for.

**== > Fuck that guy's pushyness. Open it here and now.**

Before you can answer your IMPATIENCE gets the better of you. You rip open the envelope and find a small slip of paper that reads as follows.

The shopkeep blinks in confusion.

**== > Wonder why this was supposed to be so damn clandestrine. Then ask the shopkeep if there are any lockpicking kits in the store.**

You crumple up the NOTE and SWISH it into the nearest trash can. Nothing but net.

You then turn to the shopkeep and inquire for LOCKPICKING KITS. She says sure, she's got just the thing hon . After complimenting your SHIRT she digs around under the counter and procures a KIT, claiming it will be FIVE DOLLARS.

_[PQ changed to: Find CLUB A13]_

**== > Attempt to haggle.**

She laughs. What does this look like, the CORRIDOR? She's trying to run a respectable business here, so it'll be FIVE DOLLARS.

**Ask her to show you her fine assortment of [insert some item in not behind the counter or in view of the door] then stab her. To death.**

You stroke your chin and feign interest in the CANS OF SOME SHIT in the corner, asking if she has a step stool or something. 

She is happy to ASSIST, so as she reaches for a CAN you stab her in the head.

Till she's dead.

**== > Grab the lockpicking kit. Also raid the cash register on your way out.**  
**== > Take the KIT, a hammer, some rope, then light the place on fire if there is any flammable chemicals and a lighter. Also take a lighter.**

You hit the register, finding SIXTY-FOUR DOLLARS! You add it to your TOTAL CASH, now SIXTY-SIX. 

You take the LOCKPICKING KIT and the LOCKBOX.

You scrounge around the store after changing the sign on the door to CLOSED.

You find a HAMMER, but no CHEMICALS, ROPE or a LIGHTER. At least she delivered on the hammer.

You take the HAMMER.

**== > Quickly look for cameras, both security and disposable.**

Lucky for you, there seems to be an absence of SECURITY CAMERAS. Looks like this lady thought she wasn't going to get robbed any time soon. Or murdered.

**== > Take CANS OF SOME SHIT**

You take the CAN OF SHIT.

It turns out to be BROWN PAINT. You were close! You take the BROWN PAINT.

**== > Exit and start searching for CLUB A13.**

You head outside without changing the sign on the door.

Once again part of the CROWD, you move forward past some busy bodies towards the nearest MAP KIOSK.

Welcome to the DISTRICT of UNIVERSAL DESIGN and ENGINEERNIG!

You seem to be located on MARKET ROW on the SECOND LEVEL, marked the ENTERTAINMENT SECTOR. The FIRST LEVEL seems to be mostly RESIDENTIAL, while the THIRD and FOURTH LEVELS seem to be for CLASSIFIED PERSONNEL ONLY.

You see nothing about a CLUB A13.

**== > Look for a bar so you can get some info.**

You look for a BAR, and more specifically a SIGN WITH A DRINK ON IT. 

Sucess. You seem to be figuring this CITY out. You enter the bar, which seems to be PRETTY DEAD.

The bartender asks what he can get you aniki.

**== > INQUIRE about club A13**

You INQUIRE about a CLUB A13.

Predictably, the bartender has heard about no such club. He begins to polish a number of PIMP GOBLETS.

**== > This bartender is USELESS. Fill him with stabs and acquire his PIMP GOBLETS and LIQUOR.**

You are FED UP with this bartender already. You lean over to FILL HIM WITH STABS but he has turned around. You kind of just stab the air like a lameass.

You recover quickly before he turns around so you don't look like a total dork.

**== > Get a shot of whiskey then ask him where a fellow can find some of the more underground hangouts. Pay him double for the whiskey.**

You ask for a shot of WHISKEY. He blinks, then laughs, then says he's dry on the whiskey dog, but he'll hit you up with some good shit. 

He fills a PIMP GOBLET with some FIZZY ORANGE LIQUID from the tap. 

What the fuck?

**== > Inspect the patrons to try and find possible gang members to recruit**

While he does this you look about the bar. 

It is RATHER EMPTY. A DERSITE sits by his lonesome, and a DARK FIGURE sits in the corner.

**== > Hit up your fellow DERSITE first.**

You walk over to the DERSITE, who is fiddling around on a device.

It's the ogler from earlier. He is startled to see you when he looks up.

**== > Intimidate him into coughing up anything he knows about CLUB A13.**

You pull out the ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH, seeing as it had an effect before.

Your hypothesis is correct. He starts trembling. You ask him about a CLUB A13, of which he stammers he knows N-NOTHING ABOUT.

**== > Don't drink the ORANGE LIQUID. For all you know it's poison, and after all the shit you've been through getting poisoned in some shitty bar isn't how you're gonna die.**

The bartender asks if you're gonna come get your drink. You tell him to shut up.

**== > Utilize your SHEER FRUSTRATION to FLIP THE TABLE**

Getting tired of his BULLSHIT you FLIP THE BITCH. His goblet goes flying, spilling NEON GREEN LIQUID everywhere. The ogler recoils back in terror.

Someone watches from the corner.

**== > Flip out and demand to know where you can get a real drink.**

You head over to the counter and demand to know where you can get an actual drink in this town.

The bartender tells you to chillax brah.

**== > Sqeeze bloody fluff clump blood into drink we need to regain our blood**

You swipe the PIMP GOBLET, before filling it with your BLOOD from a BLOODY FLUFF MOUND. It mixes with the ORANGE LIQUID.

Maybe just a sip...

_(fanart contributed by Anonymous)_

**== > Storm up to the DARK FIGURE in the corner, and LOUDLY and RUDELY INQUIRE what in the ALMIGHTY FUCK he thinks HE'S doing, acting all mysterious and above it all in some dark corner like SOME KIND OF ASSHOLE.**

You storm over to the corner to ask this BOZO what the big idea is lording all over the dark corner like he owns it.

You don't get a reply. Instead, an EYE opens in the darkness.

It instantly DISAPPEARS.

**== > Throw the drink in the bartenders face and glare at him.**

In frustration you throw the MIXED DRINK in the bartender's face.

He keels over and PUKES.

**== > FUCK IT, STAB INDISCRIMINATELY**

You leap over the counter and stab this clown. He is now lying in a BLOOD/VOMIT 2x COMBO.

You stand up. The DERSITE, incredibly, is still sitting in the same exact place, looking ready to relieve himself.

**== > STERNLY GLARE at the Dersite with INTENSE RESENTMENT and point firmly out the front door. Some guys just don't get when they're not wanted.**  
**== > Stab the Dersite**

You tell the Dersite to TAKE A HIKE. He gladly begins to do so, making his way for the door.

However, your BLOODLUST causes you to STAB him as he makes his way outside. 

He recoils, horrified and clutching his wound, before making a break into the street.

**== > LUNGE STABBILY at the dark corner where the SHADOWY ASSHOLE was last seen. You're really not in the mood to deal with any more of his shit right now.**

You STABLUNGE at the DARK CORNER, pouncing ferociously!

You end up careening into an EMPTY TABLE and making a mess. Whoever was here is long gone.

**== > Stab every thing stab self stab god**  
**== > Now that you're finally alone(?), slowly calm down, grab the closest thing to a proper alcoholic beverage this place has got, and claim this bar as your turf**

You attempt to CALM DOWN, namely by stabbing everything around you. TABLES, FOREIGN PLANTS and ACCUSATIONS OF HEATHEN GODS are all subject to your rage.

Finally calming down a bit, you decide to claim this BAR as your own. You hop over the counter and rummage around for something that ISN'T a neon color, and once satisfied pour yourself a shot.

It turns out to be DRAGONFRUIT POWERADE.

You begin to gag.

**== > Rename bar as CLUB A13**

You claim THIS BAR as CLUB A13. You ask if anyone here HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

You turn to the BARTENDER'S CORPSE as you were speaking to him specifically.

The CORPSE is gone!

**== > Check the BACKROOM to see if there's a rear exit or something to this place. Corpses don't usually go around disappearing without a good reason.**  
**== > Shit, follow the blood trail.**

You search around for a back exit, and whilst doing so find a SMALL BLOOD/VOMIT TRAIL. It leads to a pair of doors in the backroom, and from the SMOKE underneath they appear to lead OUTSIDE.

**== > Take powerade outside and force feed to nearest RANDOM ASSHOLE**

You pocket the POWERADE in case you need to INTERROGATE SOMEONE.

**== > Follow that trail. Be ready to stab.**  
**== > Give chase, and curse the SHADOWY ASSHOLE. You don't know how, but you just KNOW this shit is his fault somehow.**

Cursing that SHADOWY ASSHOLE for FUCKING YOUR SHIT, you bust down the double doors.

You are now in an alleyway behind MARKET ROW. Smoke pours from grates in the ground. The BLOOD TRAIL leads to one of these GRATES, and then disappears.

**== > attempt to pry open GRATE**

There is no need, the GRATE opens rather easily. 

Warm smoke billows from below.

**== > Pick up a SMALL ROCK or CHIPPED PIECE OF CONCRETE and drop it down the hole to check it's depth.**

The alley is UNNATURALLY CLEAN, so you resort to digging in the trash. You find a CAN OF BEANS, which you chuck down the hole. You then chuck the HAMMER as well for the fun of it.

It makes a SERIES OF CLANGS before a long period of silence. You speculate there must be a LADDER, or something similar, on the side of the HOLE, but at what height you can't wager.

**== > Return to the BAR to try and figure out more about where the hell you are and where you should be going.**  
**== > Obviously, this is a trap. Time to FUCK this TRAP. LUNGESTAB all the way down this TRAP HOLE**

Your mind battles against REASON and EMOTION, and REASON is whittled away like the lame candyass it is.

You DESCEND.

======

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

A series of HIJINKS and MURDERS in MARKET ROW have lead you into an EXHAUST VENT, in an attempt to follow the blood trail of a VANISHING BODY.

You are currently clinging to a LADDER as smoke billows in warm clouds behind your back. You have no idea how far down this thing goes. There is a VENT to your RIGHT SIDE.

What will you do?

**== > Jack: DESCEND.**

You continue to DESCEND.

You have reached a CATWALK. You can also proceed FURTHER DOWNWARDS.

**== > Punch the vent in the snout to establish superiority. Or just examine it.**

You revert to ASCENDING.

After firmly establishing your dominance, you see the VENT is fastened by four screws .You can probably CRAWL AROUND IN IT.

**== > Use lockpicking tools to unscrew the vent and crawl into it.**

You open the LOCKPICK KIT and use it to unscrew the VENT.

Son of a fuck you just dropped the LOCKPICKING KIT. How do you have butterfingers with a METAL HAND? Honestly.

The VENT has been opened.

**== > Listen for the sound of the LOCKPICKING KIT hitting the ground to judge how far down the ladder goes. Then enter the vent.**

You listen for a good minute. Then another. And another.

Yeah nope this isn't happening. 

You enter the VENT, which has enough room to CRAWL ON ALL FOURS. Heading forwards, you come to a BEND going LEFT and RIGHT.

**== > Jack: Enter the vent, curl up within the confined quarters, and masturbate furiously while your position aids in your reach**

The loss of your dear LOCKPICK KIT has thoroughly extinguished your SEX DRIVE!

**== > Stab the air around you wildly until your arm is tired and go in whatever direction your blade ends up pointing.**

You flail around ferociously. You don't think you could EVER get tired of stabbing, so you just wait until you accidentally STAB A WALL OR SOMETHING.

You scratch the LEFT SIDE, so you proceed that way.

You hear TALKING. Looking through a vent on the bottom you see a PROSPITIAN on some kind of DEVICE, babbling about SPORT BALL. He is wearing an odd uniform.

**== > Time to MULTITASK. Look around whatever parts of the room you can see from the vent, and EAVESDROP on his conversation simultaneously.**

You peer around the ROOM.

Judging from the FOLDING CHAIRS, COFFEE MACHINE and MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS this must be some kind of EMPLOYEE LOUNGE.

The conversation goes something like blah blah SPORT HOOP blah blah TOUCHDOWN blah blah DRAFT PICKS. You don't understand a lick of it.

**== > Drop ONE DOLLAR down the vent, and when the prospitian goes to check it out, ATTACK FROM ABOVE**

You drop a DOLLAR BILL down the vent.

The PROSPITIAN thinks its his lucky day. Think again chump. BOOYAH! You DIVEKICK the sucker, knocking him onto the floor like a SACK OF POTATOES.

**== > Wait until he's done with his conversation first, so as not to alarm whoever is on the other end.**

Damn it you didn't think this through, someone on the OTHER LINE sounds alarmed.

**== > Do your best impression of the KO'd Prospitian in an attempt to prevent further investigation.**  
**== > Pretend to be the prospitans and act like nothing happened.**

You snatch the DEVICE from the floor and babble something about HOOP JAMS before hitting the BIG RED OFF? BUTTON. Luckily for you it DISCONNECTS.

The PROSPITIAN is slowly getting back up, stunned.

**== > Ask the prospitian where the A13 Club is. Regardless of his answer, you have a little friend to introduce him to.**

Bearing your SHANK, you demand the location of CLUB A13.

The PROSPITIAN blinks. Oh sure, he says, just head down to floor-

You slit his throat. Damn it!

**== > Try to figure out what floor you're on. Are there any signs, or a window that you could look out of?**

You look around the ROOM.

Aside from some before-mentioned POSTERS, there is a MAP on the wall showcasing the FACILITY. You appear to have made it into the THIRD LEVEL of the DISTRICT, the MANUFACTURING ZONE, and are located on FLOOR D. 

**== > For now, steal his phone, and look for a place to dump the body.**

You steal his PHONE.

It is so MODERN that you can hardly handle it.

You look around for a place to dump the body, but find only a BROOM CLOSET. You also see a CAMERA in one corner that has been watching you.

**== > Use the dead PROSPITIAN's blood to cover the camera's lens, and then try to head for FLOOR A and look for a room numbered 13 there. But remember to give the camera a parting stab on the way out.**

You smear the CAMERA with some blood, and give it a good shanking for good measure. You made sure to flip it off before the last part.

You head outside onto a LONG CATWALK and search for some stairs. After passing by a few WORKERS, who mostly just GLANCE NERVOUSLY at you. You ascend to FLOOR A.

A COP stands nearby, surveying the area.

**== > Look for a locker room or something, if you can steal a worker's uniform it would be a lot less suspicious than running around in the HELP shirt.**

Avoiding the COP, you traipse around the CATWALK until you find a room with some STEAM trailing under the door. You enter.

You've found a LOCKER ROOM. Someone is in the SHOWER off to the side and a DERSITE sits drinking from a thermos.

**== > Take care of the DERSITE and then reenact the shower scene from Psycho. Afterwards, clean up and take clothing.**

After SHANKING the DERSITE in his vital organs, you proceed to the SHOWER.

You have never seen PSYCHO, so you just bash the POOR SUCKER'S BRAINS IN ON THE WALL. You hope you were SCREEN ACCURATE.

You return to the DERSITE and equip his UNIFORM. Its a little BLOODY, but it will do. You put your GARISH DUDELOOK back into your INVENTORY.

**== > Look to see if there's a uniform with an "A" on it anywhere. It would sure suck to go through all the trouble of stealing one only to be caught because you're wearing an F level outfit on Floor A.**

You then realize it would be FOOLISH to be caught wearing the wrong uniform! You hastily CORRECT THIS ERROR with a little BLOOD.

Perfect.

**== > Try and fail to ponder the meaning of all this.**

You FAIL SPECTACULARLY.

**== > Your CUNNING DISGUISE completed, search Floor A for room 13. Ask around if necessary.**

Heading back OUTSIDE, you find the rooms are indeed NUMBERED. You head over past the COP to ROOM 13. 

You find it to be RATHER DESERTED and DUSTY, save for a TABLE with a NOTE on it.

It reads:  
"Club A13 has moved due to being TOO OBVIOUSLY LOCATED! We're sorry for the inconvenience. Bring this coupon for a free plate of hot wings!"

**== > Build a fort with the table and imagine up a hat to throw on the ground in disgust. Then look around the room for more clues.**

You hide under the table, using it as a MAKESHIFT FORT, and use your powers of imagination to SUMMON UP A HAT.

Alas, you are TOO SOBER.

**== > STAB the note in unbridled fury and then lament the loss of hot wings. Roll for MANGRIT to also FLIP THE TABLE.**

You take your frustration out on the NOTE, shredding it, and shed a tear for the LOST WINGS.

Your MANGRIT LEVELS off the charts, you flip the table into the wall, where it promptly BUSTS APART.

Looking about you can only find a a few BUBBLEGUM WRAPPERS.

**== > Examine wrappers for painfully unfunny comics.**

ORANGE YOU GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY BANANA?

Your METAL FIST leaves a HOLE IN THE WALL. You don't even know what a BANANA is but that still pissed you off.

**== > Look through the hole in the wall to see what is on the other side.**

You see a DERSITE watching EXOTIC CARTOONS. 

You try to forget this instantly.

**== > Contemplate asking the copsteed for directions.**

You head back out to the CATWALK.

Heading back over to the COP, you decide to ask him for some DIRECTIONS.

Of course he says, how can he assist you?

**== > Ask him where you can get some wings around here. Don't let on about Club A-13 just in case it would arouse suspicion.**

You ask the COP where you can grab some HOT WINGS.

He recommends you try NOTHIN' BUT A WANG located on the SECOND LEVEL.

**== > Pee through the WALL HOLE into the room with the DERSITE WITH SHIT TASTE**

You have no recollection of any such DERSITE, damn it.

**== > HORSE HITCHER? You don't recall any such HORSE HITCHER.**

**== > Ask him about the locations of any other HOT WING ESTABLISHMENTS. Claim that you are new around here, and you'd like to compare the the taste of the hot wings from various restaurants.**

After establishing that you are A HUMBLE TOURIST, you ask the COP about further HOT WING ESTABLISHMENTS where you may possibly GET YOUR GRUB ON.

After running an online search algorithm, he concludes that you may find luck at both PETE'S COCK EMPORIUM and THE BUTT DESTROYER, located on the SECOND LEVEL

You are beginning to feel as though this COP is USELESS.

 

**== > Head to the second level, keeping an eye out for trails of blood. You're still hunting that coffinstuffer barkeep.**  
**== > Start with NOTHIN' BUT A WANG.**

Thanking the COP for NOTHING, you wander about the CATWALK until you find a SERVICE ELEVATOR. You press into an elevator full of CIVILIANS, some of whom eye your BLOODY GARMENTS, but are not bothered until you reach the SECOND LEVEL.

You walk out onto a different side of MARKET ROW. You threaten a PASSERBY into giving you directions, and head on into NOTHIN' BUT A WANG. 

The shopkeep asks you wassup.

**== > Press the wangkeeper for where she keeps the wangs. Ask for the biggest pair of wangs she has.**

You LEER over the counter, demanding the BIGGEST WANGS SHE'S GOT.

She seems nonplussed. You want the SUPREME WANGS then, homeboy?

**== > "Purchase" 3 orders of SUPREME WANGS**

You order 3 helpings of SUPREME WANGS.

She yells back into the KITCHEN your order then rings you up. That'll be THIRTY BUCKS she says.

 

**== > Say sure, then pretend to notice something outside. While she's distracted, hastily reassembled the coupon on the countertop, and maybe shank her.**  
**== > Buy some time by asking if NBAW has any especially troublesome competition.**

You VAGUELY REMEMBER someone named BILL COSBY and say you see him OUTSIDE. She asks who the hell that is and peers outthe door.

You reassemble the COUPON using SPIT FOR GLUE.

When she has FAILED to find any COSBY, she looks back over to you and takes your coupon. She reads it, frowning. You ask if she has any COMPETITION these days.

She looks rather ANGRY. She wonders if you're threatening her, and if so wonders why its the THIRD TIME THIS WEEK. She's not going to usurp your stupid little BAR FOOD ENTERPRISE or anything, just leave her alone.

**== > This dame is starting to get a little hysterical. Tell her to calm down, then ask her who showed up the first two times.**

When you ask about her HYSTERICS, the SHOPKEEP sighs and pushes back the coupon. She's sorry, she thought you were SOMEONE ELSE. The guys from the CLUB have coming around here and making VAGUE THREATS, seeing as NBAW is top of the HOT WING BUSINESS in the ROW.

**== > Tell her you could take care of the guys from the CLUB if she tells you its location.**

You ask for the LOCATION OF THE CLUB so you can teach those idiots a lesson in PROPER MANAGEMENT. 

The shopkeep blinks, surprised, and smiles. You'd do that for her? You'd need to hit up the CORRIDOR, which is located on LEVEL 3. She knows you can find it based on the CLUB'S NAME... though she thought it was on A-13 as well. Maybe they switched it up?

**== > Accept WINGS as payment in advance, and quickly make your way to the CORRIDOR.**

You barter with the shopkeep, procuring the 3x SUPREME WINGS and a KISS ON THE CHEEK for your services in advance.

You make your way back to the elevator, down to LEVEL 3.

The COP is still there, and remarks that something smells delicious. You tell him to shut up.

Where will you go?

**== > Back to the LOCKER ROOM. Jack B Quick, there's loot to (Probably) be had in those LOCKERS.**  
**== > Or y'know, CLUES to be had, since you still need to find out where the hell CLUB A13 went.**

Returning to the LOCKER ROOM, you find only two UNLOCKED LOCKERS, which you find very fun to say. You step over the BODY and loot around.

You find one TERRIBLE HAT.

In the NEXT LOCKER you find a KEYCARD. It must've belonged to the guy in the shower, an EMPLOYEE D-37.

**== > Wear the terrible hat. It will have to do.**

You equip the TERRIBLE HAT after pocketing the KEYCARD.

**== > BURN the terrible hat. This simply will not do.**

It's too late.

**== > ask the USELESS COP where the hell the CORRIDOR is**

You return to the USELESS COP and ask where the CORRIDOR is.

He says error: unauthorized query; not recognized.

**== > Flip off the guard and look around for the corridor yourself.**

You flip off the COP and walk off.

You vaguely remember a GUY YOU STABBED saying something about going DOWN, so you think you might want to try going in that direction.

**== > Walk in a down-ish direction**

You walk DOWNISH the nearest stairwell as you listen to noise echo through the CITY'S CORE.

You have arrived on FLOOR D. D as in down.

**== > PHASE through the floor like that one SUPERHERO in that COMIC RAG you read as a PETULANT OFFSPRING .**

You attempt to PHASE THROUGH THE FLOOR.

A worker calls you a WEIRDO and walks over your writhing form.

**== > Look around, look around.**

It looks as mundane as the rest CATWALKS. The doors are NUMBERED similar to that of FLOOR A.

**== > Brandish the ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH rather MENACINGLY and threaten to CLEAN THE WORKERS CLOCK.**

You chase the WORKER down and grab him by the COLLAR, pushing your TOOTHBRUSH to his throat. You turn it on and it buzzes MENACINGLY. 

He sighs and asks what the hell you want.

**== > Ask about WHAT and WHERE that FUCKING CORRIDOR is. One of these jokers has to know.**

You ask about the FUCKING CORRIDOR, growing tired of hunting for it.

Which corridor, he asks, there's only about a thousand of them genius. He then studies you carefully. Oh shit, you're JACK NOIR aren't you? Well damn you're going to stab him anyway, and you're probably asking about ILLEGAL STUFF, so you're going to want to look on FLOOR E.

**== > Thank him for the info. By stabbing him.**  
**== > As thanks, stab him anyway, but in a way that MIGHT not be fatal if he hurries to a doctor.**  
**== > Cast the TOOTHBRUSH towards the funny guys RIGHT EYE and make him lead you to FLOOR E. Or wait, was it his left, or your right? **

You stab the WISEGUY in the RIGHT EYE with your TOOTHBRUSH. He collapses on his knees in pain. 

You hoist him up and tell him to lead the way to FLOOR E. He says its just down the stairs you asshole, aaah, shit. You tell him to zip it and push him along, and he staggers towards the stairs.

The two of you are now on FLOOR E. The WISEGUY is stunned and leaning against a nearby wall.

**== > ASSAULT the WISEGUY'S leg, so should he run, he cannot. Because his LEG is BROKEN. You'll be damned before you lose your new WISEGUIDE. Ba dum tss.**  
**== > Yell at your hostage about how you need to find a CLUB that sells HOT WINGS**

Chuckling to yourself, you BREAK the WISEGUY'S leg with your CAN OF PAINT

He moans in pain. You tell him he's your new TOUR GUIDE, and you're gonna take him to ROOM 13 so you can get some HOT WINGS.

He hobbles over to the RIGHT, muttering under his breath, and you follow. The DOOR needs a KEY to open and he looks at you defiantly; a look that gets speedily erased when you swipe they KEYCARD you found and open the door.

You find a sole DERSITE operating a ROOM FULL OF PIPES. He looks surprised to see the two of you.

**== > DEMAND that someone tells you the purpose of these MYSTERIOUS PIPES.**

Both the DERSITE and your NEW TOUR GUIDE tell you that these PIPES carry EXHAUST FUMES from the CITY's CORE out into PROCESSING FACILITIES, at the exact same time. 

The DERSITE tells the TOUR GUIDE that he owes him a SODA, then sees he is bleeding from his eye and says oh my god. The TOUR GUIDE says he hates him.

**== > Pipes? What pipes? What you see is a ROOM FULL OF CLUBS. Roll for MANGRIT and acquire a BLUDGEONING TOOL.**

You walk over to a PIPE and, using your EXCESSIVE MANGRIT, yank it off. It comes off in your METAL HAND and some EXHAUST spills out. 

The DERSITE freaks out.

**== > Tell the DERSITE to PIPE DOWN, haha. It's not like one pipe is going to ruin everything. Right? Right??**

You tell the DERSITE to LET OFF SOME STEAM.

You mean you beat him to death with the pipe.

**== > Tap the PIPE against your hand in a badass and menacing way, and ask the tour guide why the hell he thought it would be a good idea to take you to a room with no HOT WINGS. He is wasting your time.**

Turning to the TOUR GUIDE, you insinuate your IMPATIENCE with a PIPE TAP and ask him why he's wasting your time.

He says he has no idea why you wanted to go in here, it's in the next room over.

**== > SOCK the TOUR GUIDE in the face for expressing his UNBRIDLED SASS, and DRAG HIM WITH YOU to the room next over.**  
**== > Rush to the NEXT ROOM OVER and KICK DOWN THE DOOR. For all you know they've changed locations again in the time this bozo has wasted LEADING YOU ASTRAY.**

Your METAL FIST connects with the TOUR GUIDE, knocking out a TOOTH. You drag him by his GOOD FOOT out into the NEXT ROOM, E-14, which requires no keycard. You KICK IT DOWN ANYWAY.

A worker stands by a water cooler in a SMALL OFFICE. He asks what the hell is this, and the TOUR GUIDE cuts him short and tells him it's **JACK NOIR** you moron, just open it up.

The WORKER, startled, presses the LUKEWARM WATER TAB.

The WALL PANEL slides off to the side, opening up into a DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR.

**== > Collect tooth. You can never have too many.**

You add another TOOTH to your GROWING COLLECTION.

The WORKER, smartly, has BEAT IT down the corridor. The TOUR GUIDE, on account of his BROKEN LEG, has not moved. He asks if you can just leave him alone.

**== > Whatever. At this point he's just slowing you down anyway. Enter the DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR and sniff out THE CLUB FORMERLY KNOWN AS A-13.**

In a RARE SHOWING OF MERCY you leave your TOUR GUIDE to grovel, and enter the CORRIDOR.

After stepping through the DARKNESS for some time you enter a COMPACT ALLEY, hidden within the walls of the FACILITY.

People are hawking their QUESTIONABLE GOODS everywhere you can see.

 

**== > Straddle the BLOODIED PIPE like HORSE and do a little JIG in happiness.**  
**== > Nearby Ne'erdowell: Ogle Vacantly at the tall, dark weirdo's shenanigans.**

Feeling AT HOME, you ride that BLOODIED PIPE like a goddamn MANIC PONY.

A NE'ERDOWELL ogles at you vacantly, shrugs and is back to reading at his HOLOPAPER.

**== > Examine the QUESTIONABLE GOODS**

You investigate a nearby STALL, where an ANDROID is selling MELEE WEAPONS. He says he is willing to BUY and SELL all sorts of illegal contraband. In fact, Illegal Contraband is the name of the store! It's even HIS name!

He shows you his HIGHLIGHTS.

_Standard-Issue Knife- 30 dollars_  
_Butterfly Knife- 60 dollars_  
_Katana- 100 dollars_  
_Home Alone 3 on VHS- Barter Only!_

**Sell shiv, buy Standard knife.**

You sell IC the METAL SHANK. He asks if you made it yourself, which you say you did. He says the rust was a nice touch. You could spread disease with that.

He gives you five dollars, making your total 69 DOLLARS.

You then buy the STANDARD KNIFE.

This brings your total to 39 DOLLARS.

**== > test knife**

You test the BLADE on your CHITINOUS DIGITS. It SPARKS when you scrape it.

You commend IC on keeping it in good condition. He says not to mention it, everyone's buying KATANAS these days so a good KNIFE goes unappreciated.

**== > On RANDOM PASSERBY. Never mess with a guy who sells ILLEGAL CONTRABAND.**

You TEST YOUR NEW PURCHASE on a RANDOM PASSERBY.

It turns out to be the WORKER from the WATER COOLER, who staggers off into an alley crying. 

Small world!

**== > Ask the honest salesman if he has knives for your knives.**

You ask ILLEGAL CONTRABAND if he has knives for your knives.

He says that unfortunately this is all he's got, though he KNOWS SOME PEOPLE if you ever want to COMMISSION HIM.

**== > Ask about where you might find a HOT WING CLUB that MAY OR MAY NOT go by the name A-13.**  
**== > ASK IC where the nearest WATERING HOLE is. If there's any info to be found, the local BARKEEP is sure to have it.**

You ask IC where you might find a WATERING HOLE where you can wet your whistle with some HOT WINGS.

IC scratches his rusty chin. Only place you're gonna find HOT WINGS around here is CLUB A-13 and that's down the CORRIDOR, on the right. They kind of have a monopoly on that.

**== > Head DOWN THE CORRIDOR, and go TO THE RIGHT.**  
**== > Say thanks, and head for CLUB A-13, making a mental note to try and RECRUIT IC to your currently nonexistent CREW next time you see him.**

You thank the ANDROID, making a mental note on returning to his STAND in the UNFORSEEBALE FUTURE, and traipse down the CORRIDOR. You pass by all sorts of strange ALIENS and BEINGS you haven't seen before, which is ODD for a UNIVERSE-HOPPER like yourself.

You finally find CLUB A-13, as designated by its FLASHING SIGN. There is a long line to the door, and a BURLY DERSITE serving as a BOUNCER.

**== > Trying to talk your way through this guy would be a waste of time. Squeeze a BLOODY FLUFF MOUND as hard as you can to SPRAY BLOOD IN HIS EYES.**

You make your way to the FRONT OF THE LINE, much to the DISTRESS of the PATRONS.

The BURLY DERSITE inches for his FIREARM, asking where the hell you think YOU'RE going.

You beat him to the quick draw and SQUEEZE BLOOD into his eyes. He yells in confusion and swipes at you with the GUN, which DISCHARGES into a NEON SIGN behind you.

**== > Quickly STAB the BURLY DERSITE with your STANDARD KNIFE. 36 times. Gotta be thorough.**  
**== > Swing at his arms with your PIPE to DISARM him, then TAKE his GUN.**  
**== > Show him your brand new stabs**

You swing your PIPE at his GUN ARM, which BREAKS IT AT THE MIDDLE. He yelps as the GUN flies out and across the CORRIDOR.

You proceed to break in your NEW KNIFE at a RAPID PACE, stabbing the BURLY DERSITE a whopping 36 times in the chest.

He collapses and makes a MESS on the pavement. You sidle over to retrieve the GUN, and then make your way into the NIGHTCLUB past the STUNNED CROWD.

You are immediately affronted by ELECTRIC NOISE. There is a large BAR to your left, and a number EXOTIC WOMEN dancing on POLES to your right. 

You see a number of THUGS making their way towards the doors, so you may need to choose quickly.

**== > Head to the bar. Drinks and Answers always lurk in bars.**  
**== > Quickly dive behind the bar to avoid confrontation. HILARIOUSLY ENUNCIATE with RUDE GESTURES that you'll bribe the BARKEEP with 30 bucks if they keeps quiet about your whereabouts.**

Sidestepping the ARRAY OF THUGS you make your way to the BAR, stepping through the BUMPING THRONG.

To your surprise, a HUMAN WOMAN is manning the bar. You have not seen a HUMAN in a very long time.

A THUG is making his way towards the bar in SEARCH OF YOU, so you do a CRIME ROLL over the counter. 

The barkeep looks at you in confusion. One of her eyes whirrs to ZOOM IN on you. She asks you what the hell you want.

You ENUNCIATE HYSTERICALLY your desire to REMAIN HIDDEN in exchange for MOOLAH.

She takes the money and IGNORES YOU.

**== > Jack: Fail to consider the ramifications of your WANTON MURDERBONER.**

You FAIL CONSIDERABLY.

**== > inquire about wings and hit on the barkeep**

You ask the BARKEEP if a FINE DAME like herself could procure you with some HOT WINGS.

She says yeah, they've got the finest bar food in the district, but usually you eat on the other side of the counter. She seems to have missed your compliment.

**== > Examine the choice merch she has hidden behind the bar. By which I mean take any shotguns you find back there.**

The only SHOTGUN you can see is the PUMP-ACTION holstered to her LEG.

**== > Ask where you might find the owner of this fine establishment.**

She says you're looking at her, asshole.

She pulls a GUN from her other side and points it at your head. She tells you to get up.

**== > stand up and order some wings**  
**== > Do as she says for now, but keep an eye out for an opportunity to turn the tide in your favor.**

You slowly stand up as the PISTOL follows your head. The BAR PATRONS pretend to take no heed of any of this. 

You ask for your wings. She tells you you're a real riot, and then inches the gun at the BACKROOM DOOR.

**== > Quickly whip your head to the door and exclaim "Holy shit!"**

You let out an EXCLAMATION at the IMAGINARY BEING, and using the WOMAN'S MOMENTARY FLINCH to PUNCH THE GUN STRAIGHT INTO HER HEAD.

She's knocked back, and the PISTOL shoots into the bar's ceiling. This alerts the THUGS inside the club.

**== > Walk into the BACKROOM, and prepare for a fight.**

You take this time to ESCAPE INTO THE BACKROOM ANYWAY.

You have a few moments before any THUGS arrive. 

You hear the CLICK of GUNS AT THE READY. You may want to check your INVENTORY. 

_BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_ROBOTIC ARM STUB equipped with METAL FIST_  
_2 DOLLARS_  
_1x STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE_  
_1x ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH_  
_1x LONG CLOTH STRIP_  
_1x LOCKBOX_  
_1x BLOODY APRON_  
_1x BOTTLE OF DRAGONFRUIT POWERADE_  
_1x CAN OF BROWN PAINT_  
_2x BLOODY FLUFF MOUNDS (flammable)_  
_2x TOOTH HALVES_  
_1x PROSPITIAN TOOTH_  
_2x MEDIUM SCRAP PIECES_  
_1x BLOODY PIPE_  
_1x PISTOL (6 shots)_

**== > Examine the room for anything that could provide a tactical advantage, and try to remember just how many THUGS you saw out there.**  
**== > Look around the room for possible cover and exits**

The room seems to be used mainly for STORAGE, with a variety of OLD FURNITURE and CRATES. The perfect place to INTERROGATE someone, which you think you just NARROWLY MISSED.

**== > Ready gun in our good hand and pipe in our robo hand. Kick a table over for cover but hide to the side of the door. Brain the first thug to come through with the pipe then dive for the cover.**

While you ruminate on this chance you hear the first thug coming. You kick over an OLD TABLE and wait. 

He bursts in and begins firing into TABLE, and your PIPE crushes his skull. He COLLAPSES to the side as you rush back behind the TABLE.

FIVE TO GO, not counting the QUEEN BEE. 

**== > ready the bottle of powerade for the purpose of causing assailants to vomit**

You ready the BOTTLE OF DRAGONFRUIT POWERADE.

**== > remaining behind cover, push the TABLE into the doorframe, giving cover and a line of sight into most of the club**

You edge the table over to the DOORFRAME to provide maximum LINE OF SIGHT.

**== > Prepare to shoot the next thug, center of mass.**

This proves handy when the NEXT GUY sidles up; you pop up in front of him and surprise him with TWO GUTSHOTS.

**== > Let loos the powerade when the time is right.**

Before he can REACT you smash the FOUL CONCTION on top of his head. He staggers backwards, vomiting and bleeding.

TWO THUGS in the back are leading PATRONS outside, and the FIFTH is unaccountable for along with the QUEEN.

**== > Fire a shot into the patrons, get a riot going. Throw pipe at vomiting thug then draw the knife.**

You fire your FOURTH SHOT above the heads of the RUSHING PATRONS, who immediately FREAK THE FUCK OUT. One of them pulls a GUN on one of the THUGS, who begins to grapple with them. The OTHER THUG is swamped by the CROWD.

Your PIPE connects with the VOMITING THUG, who staggers again, giving you enough room to slide in and CUT HIS THROAT.

Two down. 

You narrowly avoid SHOTGUN FIRE from an UPPER CATWALK, ducking into a STAIRWELL. 

**== > Carefully check the THUG BODIES for a weapon more suited to a fight like this, or at least some more bullets.**

You THINK you could grab the SECOND GUY's gun, but you'll need to dodge the SHOTGUN.

**== > See if you can scoop up the gun while CRIME ROLLING into cover.**

You perform a nimble CRIME ROLL, scooping up the PISTOL while SHOTGUN BLASTS rattle the tiles. You acquire FOUR more shots, totalling SIX.

You end up BACK BEHIND THE BAR. You could see ONE OF THE THUGS that was dealing with the crowd making his way back towards the bar, shoving STRAGGLERS out of his way.

However it seems that you aren't alone. Someone taps you on the shoulder and you almost SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE. Who the hell is THIS GUY?

 

**== > Ask this mug what his deal is.**

You ask this MUG what his DEAL is.

He asks you if your name is **JACK NOIR**. You say you are, yeah, what's it to you? He says it's very nice to meet you! He's a CAB DRIVER who was waiting here for you. He hopes it didn't take you too long to find this place, you know you being in jail and all. You tell him to shut up. He tells you that he knew a guy named JACK once but he exploded, isn't it a small world? 

**== > Bust him in his mouth flap!**

You pap him with your FIST to shut him up. He rubs his SNOUT and obliges. 

**== > Tell the CORPULENT DUDE to either help out or get out of the way.**  
**== > try to find something you can use to turn a BOTTLE OF ALCOHOL into a MOLOTOV COCKTAIL**  
**== > Put bloody fluff into booze bottle**

You tell the CAB DRIVER to make a MOLOTOV, handing him a BLOODY FLUFF BALL and the WHITE STRIP OF CLOTH. He nods and scurries over to an open cabinet. He says he'll be JUST A MINUTE.

 

**== > Shoot at the THUG that's approaching the bar while you wait for CD to get back**

You DOUBLE TAP the THUG approaching the bar, once in the LEG and then the HEAD. He crumples backwards, head pounding the dance floor.

THREE DOWN.

CD is still rummaging around. He says is it okay that he tasted the white stuff? It tastes really bad. You say you know.

**== > Check where the QUEEN is and take care o that thug.**

You assume the QUEEN has retreated UPSTAIRS, hence the SHOTGUN FIRE. You tell the CAB DRIVER to stay down and ROLL back to the stairs, which you ASCEND.

Peeking around the CORNER you see a THUG running across a CATWALK towards you.

You have FOUR SHOTS and a bunch of ASSORTED SHIT.

**== > Does he have a gun? If yes shoot him, if no engage radical stabbing maneuvers.**

You take a SHOT at the THUG.

It's close, but hits the RAILING. He ducks under it and returns fire.

**== > Jump on top of the railing then run at him. Commence flying stab.**

You LEAP onto the railing and HAVE A GO AT HIM.

He pops out at the last second and blasts you, which clips your METAL SHOULDER, but you manage to stick your KNIFE in his shoulder. He yells in pain and reaches to YANK IT OUT.

**== > Chuck the CAN OF BROWN PAINT at the THUG. PAINT CANS are much bigger than bullets.**

You take this time to chuck the BROWN PAINT CAN at the THUG, which promptly smashes into his face. He FLIPS over the CATWALK and onto the FLOOR BELOW. 

The can FOLLOWS him and EXPLODES on his face.

FOUR DOWN.

The REMAINING THUG has returned from the FRONT, and is making a beeline for his FALLEN COMRADE.

**== > ELBOW DROP**

You perform a LUDICROUS ELBOW DROP on the thug, who doesn't see it coming. You and he both hit the dirt.

**== > Take a maximum of two shots at FINAL THUG, and FRANTICALLY INQUIRE HOW GODDAMN LONG IT COULD POSSIBLY TAKE TO SHOVE SOME CLOTH INTO A BOTTLE.**

However you're faster on the draw, and PLUG HIM.

FIVE DOWN.

You whip around to CHASTISE THE DRIVER, but notice a FLAMING BOTTLE sailing over your head.

It hits an array of FLASHY LIGHTS, which immediately COMBUST FURTHER.

The DRIVER waves his LIGHTER at you excitedly.

**== > Dammit, tell him to get another ready but to wait for your signal to throw it. Ascend stairs and locate the QUEEN.**

You BERATE THE DRIVER and tell him to make another one, damn it. You chuck a BLOODY FLUFF MOUND at him, and order him to wait for your signal. He makes himself sparse, and by that you mean he hides under the bar again.

You ASCEND the stairs and head over the catwalk, but see nothing of the QUEEN.

Smoke begins to fill the air.

**== > EXAMINE the upstairs to see where she might have gone. No way in hell she's walking away from this one that easily.**  
**== > Look for her office, there should be some stuff to steal.**

Wiping the BROWN PAINT from your knife, you look around for an OFFICE. 

You find a door and open it, but the QUEEN BEE comes from behind and puts you in a CHOKEHOLD. She bashes your head against the DOORFRAME.

**== > Shit. Dig your pointy fingers into her wrist and try to bash her with the robo hand.**

You wring your CHITINOUS HAND around her wrist and DIG IN with your SHARPENED DIGIT as far as you can.

**== > Kick off the wall as hard as you can to put as much space between yourself and the wall as possible, than go for the legs. **

After this, you kick off the FRAME in order to CLOSE IN, but the QUEEN bellows in rage and tosses you into the ROOM.

It turns out to be her OFFICE, obscured now by a THICK LAYER OF SMOKE. You rush behind her DESK.

 

**== > Mangrit that desk into her face.**

Your MANGRIT LEVELS boost your TABLE FLIPPING ABILITY to the NEXT LEVEL! Tou FLIP the desk towards the door frame.

A BRIGHT LIGHT blasts through the center, cleaving it in two.

The SHOTGUN turns out to be a RAILGUN.

**== > Scream out the door to CD that now might be a really good time to throw that MOLOTOV if it's ready.**

You yell for CD to THROW IT UP.

As a RED LIGHT becomes visible in the smoke, you hear the molotov shatter near the CATWALK.

=====

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

You are currently dodging LASER FIRE from an ANGRY CLUB OWNER, whose club you are currently BURNING DOWN with the help of your new acquaintance the CAB DRIVER. He is somewhere DOWNSTAIRS, and just lobbed another MOLOTOV onto the UPPER LEVEL where you are located.

Her OFFICE is currently filling with smoke, though she seems to be tracking you with her ROBOTIC EYE. You are currently hiding behind an ARMCHAIR. You do not have much time.

You also believe your HAT is ablaze.

What will you do?

**== > Clean yourself up and jerk off.**

You'd never consider jerking off in an UNFAMILIAR OFFICE, especially one that doesn't BELONG TO YOU. Especially especially when said office's OWNER is trying their best to KILL YOU.

**== > Jack: Fantasize about the club owner's stunning naked body while hastily using a medium scrap piece to extend the reach of your robotic arm stub, so that you may masturbate furiously**

You equip the MEDIUM SCRAP PIECE and attempt to SUCCUMB TO DESIRE, but a laser shot rips through the armchair and DISINTEGRATES your scrap! 

Your LIBIDO vanishes along with it.

**== > Shootdodge out of cover**

You edge to one side of the chair and ROLL TO THE SIDE, taking aim at the DOORFRAME. She dodges to the side, haphazardly FIRING at the same time. Miss for miss.

You are now behind ANOTHER ARMCHAIR.

**== > Jack: Berate self for your shitty aim**

You express your disappointment in your POOR AIM by THROWING YOUR FLAMING HAT IN DISGUST.

It sails through the room and promptly EXPLODES. Thanks lady.

**== > THROW ARMCHAIR She will be expecting BULLET.**

You give her an ARMCHAIR in return.

She detects it, but your MANGRIT levels are too high for her to dodge in time! With a shriek she buckles backwards into the smoke, leaving the doorway OPEN.

**== > Charge her before she can get up.**

You charge at the QUEEN BEE with a growl, and punch her in the GUT with a well placed METAL FIST.

The two of you smash through the ADJACENT DOOR into a BATHROOM.

**== > Slap her in the face with a SUPREME WANG**

You dump an order of SUPREME WANGS right on her face.

She howls in pain and throws you off into a SINK, which you promptly SMASH. As you get to your feet, you're greeted with a TOILET BOWL COVER TO THE FACE, which sends you into a MIRROR.

Wiping WING SAUCE from her EYE, the OWNER begins to limp out the door.

**== > Throw TOILET BOWL COVER like a PISS COVERED BOOMERANG to prevent her escape**

She might hit hard, but not HARD ENOUGH. 

You take the CRACKED TOILET BOWL COVER and CHUCK IT, where it becomes a SMASHED TOILET BOWL COVER against her head.

She crumples to the floor on ALL FOURS.

**== > Stomp her to the ground.**

Your UNBRIDLED RAGE trumping your APPRECIATION FOR FINE REARS, you head over to the OWNER and stomp her flat on the ground.

You hear a NOISE from the other side of the room. Across the CATWALK is the CAB DRIVER, gesturing frantically through the smoke. He seems to suggests that it's time to LEAVE.

**== > Follow CD and blow this joint.**

You motion back to CD that it's time to ROLL. The OWNER being relatively DESTABLIZED, you grind your foot into her back and begin towards the catwalk.

**== > That's a nice ELECTRIC EYE she's got there. Use your STANDARD KNIFE to take a quick trophy before you go.**

Suddenly, an OLD HABIT awakens at full force; a love for TROPHIES. Equipping your STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE, you walk back to the BODY and make to pull up her head.

Instead, she pulls yours DOWN. Hard.

As your face tastes CONCRETE and you lay MOMENTARILY STUNNED, she limps back to her RAILGUN, before stepping over you towards your NEW COHORT.

**== > UPPERCUT HER in the HAM SANDWHICH.**

You take the moment to SOCK HER IN THE NETHERS. A SHOCK runs through her body as she steps forward in pain, mouth agape.

**== > Tackle her off the CATWALK**

You take this moment to TACKLE HER, sending the both of you onto the CATWALK. The fire has GROWN TREMENDOUSLY, roaring underneath you and singeing your back.

**== > BITE her LEG**

Dodging a RIGHT HOOK you CHOMP her leg. She screams and reacts with a SWIFT KICK, sending you ACROSS THE CATWALK.

As you get up she scampers takes aim with her RAILGUN, but suddenly seizes FORWARD. A shot goes off, into the ceiling, activating a LIGHTSHOW through the flames. Music begins to blare.

As she turns, you see the CAB DRIVER has deposited a KNIFE into her back. She pulls it out and points it at the two of you. She tells you you won't be leaving her club ALIVE. 

**== > SCOUNDRELTECH Lv 54: TRUSTY KNIVES! Take her out!**

You pull out your KNIFE. The CAB DRIVER has procured a CHAIR LEG from the BACKROOM.

It looks like it's time for a STRIFE!

_[Command Prompts have been activated for: CAB DRIVER]_

_[You can now issue combat commands to the CAB DRIVER!]_

**== > Cab Driver: Pee on the floor defiantly while the owner watches**

The CAB DRIVER promptly turns around and TAKES A LEAK OF DEFIANCE. 

You and the OWNER look on in disappointment.

**== > [CAB DRIVER] Air guitar to the awesome beats.**  
**== > [JACK NOIR] DISCOTECH LV:24 SHIMMY SHANK**

Taking advantage of the DISTRACTION, you LEAP FORWARD and SLASH at the owner, digging your knife into her jaw and SLICING. 

Yelling in pain she aims to STAB IN RETORT, but you deftly PARRY her. You engage in a DUEL OF KNIVES.

The CAB DRIVER begins to rock a sick air guitar.

**== > [CAB DRIVER] DISCOTECH LV:15 BREAKDANCE FIGHTING**  
**== > CD?: Distract her with a silly dance.**

The CAB DRIVER rushes forward and, in a display of his STREET KNOWLEDGE, engages in a BREAKDANCE.

The OWNER ogles this for a moment, then STUMBLES BACKWARDS once hit with a CHAIR LEG.

**== > [JACK NOIR] Learn this bitch a thing or two about knives.**  
**== > JACK: Initiate STABLUNGE MANEUVERS**  
**== > Jack: Do what you do best.**  
**== > Jack: Chuck CD Pistol while lunging to side.**

You lunge FORWARD and do what you do BEST.

Your KNIFE rips through her LOWER RIGHT SIDE. The OWNER seizes forward, giving you the chance to CHUCK your pistol over her head. 

The CAB DRIVER heads backwards to catch it, but. as she stumbles forward, the OWNER makes to ready a THROWING KNIFE.

**== > [JACK NOIR] High five the QB for having excellent taste in hidden weapons.**  
**== > Grab the bloody apron and use it to whip-swipe at her knife hand! PERNICIOUS UPROAR Lv 21: Matador's Expulsion**

You aim to commend the OWNER on her EXCELLENT TASTE in weaponry, but remembering the TOILET COVER you instead reach for your APRON.

PERNICIOUS UPROAR LEVEL 21: MATADOR'S EXPULSION

The KNIFE is whipped out of her hand and BLOOD sprays onto hair. She turns to you, eyes aflame with fury.

**== > [CAB DRIVER] Catch the pistol you dimwit.**

You are now the CAB DRIVER.

You catch the PISTOL and take your BEST SHOT.

The BULLET flies through her MIDDLE and embeds itself into JACK's METAL STUB.  
The QUEEN BEE is still for a moment, then crumples to her knees.

**== > Ask QUEEN BEE where she keeps her royal jelly**

You ask the BEE where she keeps her ROYAL JELLY. 

She spits blood in your face. She tells you to go fuck yourself, **JACK NOIR**.

**== > Time to finish the job. Jack: KILL a QUEEN**

You DRIVE your KNIFE through her chest, and twist.

She sinks to the floor. You always did like KILLING QUEENS.

 

**== > Rush to the cab, swinging one high five at the Driver. You're gonna own this town.**

Tiredly, you give the excited CAB DRIVER a high five and ask him where the CAB'S at.

He says its on the WRONG SIDE OF TOWN! Just great, you say. He says he suggest the going upwards, pointing to some STAIRS. 

You are now on the ROOFTOP of a BURNING CLUB.

**== > Look for some dames to victory bone.**

You take a look over the SIDE for BUXOM DAMES.

There is a LARGE THRONG OF SPECTATORS watching from a SAFE DISTANCE, with a few WEIRDOS attempting to extinguish the flames. You assume they are NEIGHBORING SHOPKEEPS.

Good luck with that one.

**== > Take in surroundings, watch out for cops and firefighters.**

You look to the sides of the CORRIDOR. No cops, at least not yet.

**== > Ask CD where the WRONG SIDE OF TOWN might be**  
**== > Ask the CAB DRIVER where to go next. It's a good idea to get out of here before THE FUZZ shows up. You call the police THE FUZZ when you are extra angry at them.**  
**== > Turn to the Cabbie and say "what now". Also check if he has any friends we'll meet up with.**

Before the FUZZ can make any sort of IMPROMPTU BUST, you ask CD where the hell the WRONG SIDE OF TOWN is and how you can get there AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

The CAB DRIVER says oh, the CAB? It's in the JUNKYARD. You ask him why. He says he sold it so he could afford this LUXURY HAT! Besides, he says, we're NOT TAKING A CAB. 

He points excitedly at a TRASH PILE a few stories below, in an adjacent alley.

Ready to jump?

**== > Jump and fall in a hardboiled manner.**  
**== > Jump in a criminal manner.**  
**== > Do a majestic fucking CRIME DIVE into the TRASH PILE.**

As you and the CAB DRIVER take a dive into a mound of garbage, you feel as though this is just the beginning of an ENTERPRISING PARTNERSHIP.

You DESCEND.

In a HARDBOILED CRIMINAL MANNER.

**\--[END OF EPISODE 3]--**

==========

Holding a dying prospitian in her hands, Jane Crocker descended onto a nearby rooftop. Her hands were stained with blood and vomit. He was twitching, and she tried her best to soothe him, telling him he was going to be okay, she had him now. Bathed in the glow of neon lights, she placed him gently upon the ground. Attempting her best smile, she placed her hands upon his chest and closed her eyes in concentration.

Blue energy crept from her hands, wrapping around the body. The prospitian's eyes began to widen as he watched his own blood dissipate, seemingly evaporating into nothing. Warmth returned to his body. 

Jane placed her hand on his shoulder with a sigh. "You should be okay now," she told him, giving it a squeeze, "I'm so sorry this happened to you." He thanked her profusely. She asked him if he knew where to go for safety, and he replied that he did, so she watched him go as he climbed down a nearby fire escape.

Feeling very tired, Jane wiped her hands on her suit jacket, which was already stained with blood from the night's events. She wished she could help him with the vomit but her powers only extended so far. She walked to the edge of the roof and sat down to watch the crowds. Not out of leisure; she was scanning for casualties. 

Seeing nothing from her heads up display, she pushed through a connection. Her glasses glowed a bright cyan.

"He's a total monster".

There was a pause on the other end. A voice replied, sounding equally tired.

"Yeah. I know."

Jane placed two fingers on her forehead, rubbing in a circular motion. She exhaled in frustration.

"He's been stabbing people since the moment he left. Almost everyone he talked to."

She looked down at the civilians, who might as well have had targets painted on their backs. How much more of this was necessary? What if she missed somebody? 

"You need to call this off."

She heard nothing in response. 

"It's hopeless!" 

Nothing. Growing frustrated, she paced back to the center of the rooftop. The odor of blood and vomit lingered on her person.

"Damn it Dirk, did you hear me? CALL IT-"

"You're right."

She stopped. The words were almost alien to hear, especially from him.

A hooded boy stood over a trash can, reading a crumpled note he had just unraveled. His pointed sunglasses gleamed.

"The game's over." 

**=== > [END OF TRANSMISSION] **


	4. Jailbreak (Episode 4: Descend)

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

You are currently splitting a pair of SUPREME WANGS with your new acquaintance, the CAB DRIVER, in an ESPECIALLY ILLEGAL CAFE on the far end of the CORRIDOR. 

You have dumped your old BLOODY UNIFORM in the RESTROOM to dispose of EVIDENCE, and are currently thumbing through your ADVANCED PHONE while the DRIVER scarfs down WINGS AND COFFEE.

What will you do?

**== > Try to remember where you were before waking up in jail. It might give you an idea of what to do next.**

You try to remember your days before your IMPRISONMENT.

The memory is foggy. There were some days of just WANDERING, you and one MS. PAINT, across STRANGE LANDSCAPES, and you remember some kind of SAFEHOUSE where you spent your days. Beyond that, things get fuzzy, though the concept of BETRAYAL is crystal clear.

**== > We need to get things in order. Ask CD where we can get some reliable muscle and some decent clothes.**

You look at your ADVANCED PHONE.

You are currently located on LEVEL 3; it seems as though the GPS does not keep track of the CORRIDOR, considering its ILLICIT PURPOSES.

The time is 4:20. It has been 4:20 for twenty minutes now, and you doubt it will change any time soon.

**== > Look up your LOCATION, as well as TODAY'S DATE and TIME.**

You ask CD where you can get some MUSCLE, and a some DECENT CLOTHES.

After drinking a WHOLE POT, the DRIVER scratches his head. His CONTACT said that the TWO OF YOU should be plenty for the next step of the OPERATION. And what are you talking about, you look great!

**== > Inquire to the nature of the OPERATION. Brush off COMPLIMENT in a non-bashful manner.**

You ask about the OPERATION, pretending not to hear or be satisfied the compliment.

He says that he's here to help you GET OUT OF TOWN. His CONTACT says that there is a SHIP stored away in the lowest level of the DISTRICT with WARP CAPABILITIES; its the only one in the WHOLE CITY due to the QUARANTINE!

**== >Tell him no, we want more muscle.**  
**== > Demand to know the location of a tailor. threaten him if we have to.**

You demand ADDITIONAL MUSCLE and a DAMN GOOD TAILOR, banging your hand on the table.

He says okay, he knows of a GREAT TAILOR that he'll introduce you to, but he's currently OFF-WORLD.

As for the MUSCLE, his CONTACT said that this was to be as HUSH-HUSH as possible, so he is WARY to get the NEIGHBORHOOD involved.

You say thanks a lot, that's very helpful. Not.

**== > Ask about the MYSTERIOUS INDIVIDUAL who hired him, and what the nature of the OPERATION is**

You ask about this MYSTERIOUS CONTACT. He says that he hasn't met him yet! He is very interested in BREAKING YOU OUT though, and seems to know this city like the BACK OF HIS HAND. They have been communicating through HANDWRITTEN LETTERS, which he thinks is KIND OF NEAT.

**== > Ask what the hell he means by "OFF-WORLD". For that matter, what planet are we on anyway?**

Chomping on a WANG, you inquire as to what the hell "OFF-WORLD" means.

You know, he says, off the planet. What planet, you ask. This planet, he says, or, uh, station. THE DISTRICT is kind of a SPACE STATION, but its also classified as a WORLD under the UNIVERSAL CODEX, he says. It might have something to do with its ARTIFICIAL ATMOSPHERE. He babbles on while you crunch on the bone.

UNIVERSE BUILDING sure is confusing.

**== > Ask him if this contact is a Director at the Dock, or if he's the kind of guy who fits in with all ...THIS, while gesturing at some passerby's tasteless garb.**

You ask further about the CONTACT. You gesture to some random DUDE. Is he one of us? Some kind of higher up?

The DRIVER says that he's REAL POLITE and knows a BUNCH OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, and that's about all he knows.

You sip on some coffee. This is such an awful combination.

**== > Ask more about the QUARANTINE. Is there some reason why this DISTRICT is no-way-in-no-way-out, and are there others that are in a similar situation?**

You tap your DIGITS on the table. What's this about a QUARANTINE, you ask.

He blinks. It's because of YOU! You didn't know?

You lower your coffee. No, you didn't know.

He says the PRINCE prepared for your RELEASE for the last FEW MONTHS, making sure that all SHIPS were taken OFF WORLD. He also relocated a bunch of DIFFERENT PEOPLE out of their homes, a decision THE DRIVER thought was kind of STRANGE. He's been running the DISTRICT kind of FUNNY lately.

Nobody was supposed to tell you ANY OF THIS either. He holds up a chicken bone and shrugs.

**== > Okay, the CONTACT got you out of prison. What's the next step in his MASTER PLAN?**

You ask him what's the NEXT STEP in his BIG MASTER PLAN.

He says that the two of you should head to LEVEL FOUR when you're ready and go find that SHIP!

**== > Ask about the identity of the PRINCE.**

You ask about this so-called PRINCE. How is someone the PRINCE of a CITY anyway? What kind of management is that?

The DRIVER says he's some kind of ROYAL that's been running things around here for as LONG AS HE CAN REMEMBER. Everyone knows he's got the COPS in his pocket.  
He says he think he met him, a long time back, it could've been his GRANDPA OR SOMETHING. Human lifespans, huh?

**== > Stretch impressively, crack knuckles, and ASCEND to LEVEL FOUR. Or DESCEND, depending on who designed this place.**

Taking that into consideration, you decide its time to HEAD OUT. Taking the COFFEE CUP with you, you and the DRIVER make your way to the OPPOSITE END of the CORRIDOR while making sure to keep your head down. You don't know if that QUEEN had any friends, but you wouldn't chance it.

After making your way through a HIDDEN PASSAGE and past an EMPTY LOUNGE, you find a SERVICE ELEVATOR. 

You DESCEND to LEVEL FOUR.

You are greeted with a GIGANTIC PROCESSING FACILITY. CATWALKS extend in front of you, and SMALL FIGURES bustle about.

**== > Resist the urge to fling something sharp off of the CATWALKS.**

You FAIL TO RESIST THE URGE.

You fling your last SCRAP PIECE towards a worker on the GROUND FLOOR. It sticks into his head and he SPILLS STUFF EVERYWHERE.

Comedy gold.

**== > Figure out what the SMALL FIGURES seem to be PROCESSING, and WHY.**

A SMALL FIGURE approaches. He asks if that was YOU who just killed LARRY. Don't worry, he was a real dick and nobody liked him.

It appears to be an IMP. He speaks in a familiar tongue.

**== > Inform CD that you don't see a SHIP anywhere.**  
**== > Think. If you were a SHIP, where would you be?**

You tell CD that you don't see any goddamn SHIPS.

He says that maybe we're on the WRONG SIDE? The IMP says yeah, you guys are on the WRONG SIDE. 'Sides, you aren't gonna find any ships, what with the whole QUARANTINE AND...

He asks if you are **JACK NOIR**.

**== > Tell the IMP politely to mind his own business**  
**== > Say yes but keep your hand on your knife in case he pulls any funny business.**  
**== > No. Any resemblance to any JACKS, living or dead, is COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL.**

You tell the IMP to mind his own damn business, and that any resemblance to any sort of JACK is a complete COINCIDENCE.

The CAB DRIVER says yes, yes it is! You PAP him on the noggin. 

The IMP says holy crap, wait a second guys. He yells for JERRY to GET OVER HERE.

ANOTHER IMP comes around. This here is JACK NOIR, he tells him. Really, he asks. Really, he replies.

They ogle at you in awe.

**== > Be introduced to each FACTORY WORKER IMP in turn. Get IMPatient.**

The FIRST IMP shakes your hand vigorously, introducing himself as GARRY. Its a real honor to meet you sir, real honor.

The SECOND IMP shakes your METAL FIST vigorously, introducing himself as JERRY. Hey, this is a real cool ARM, he says, who is THIS GUY? He pokes the BALD DOUCHEBAG. Both of you are SHOCKED.

**== > Ask him if he knows any MUSCLE**

Fighting the urge to throw these idiots OFF THE CATWALK, you make to ask them if they know any good MUSCLE around here, when suddenly you are interrupted by TREMENDOUS STOMPING. A SHADOW descends upon your group, and a loud voice bellows for everyone to GET BACK TO WORK.

An ARCHERON FOREMAN appears!

**== > What's this guy's problem? No need to yell, we're right fucking here. Assert dominance by punching him in the dick. **

You punch this GUY right in the DICK.

You.... think that was his dick? 

He doesn't register the hit.

**== > Look at the ARCHERON FOREMAN and ask the imp if he knows any other MUSCLE**

Looking up, and then back to the imps, you ask them if you know any good MUSCLE around here.

Uh, yeah, JERRY replies, right HERE. He flexes small noodly limbs. GARRY gives him a high five.

The FOREMAN asks why YOU TWO aren't wearing your UNIFORMS.

**== > Briskly walk away from this meathead. You don't have time for this bullshit. You're an important man with places to be.**  
**== > Tell him that he probably ATE your uniforms, and also that he is FAT.**

You tell this MEATHEAD that he probably had them for SECOND DINNER. And also that he is FAT. With a FAT ASS. 

Flipping him off, you and the CAB DRIVER head back in the direction you came. 

The FOREMAN asks the IMPS what was that guy's problem. He then tells them to get back to work.

There is a TRANSPORTALIZER on your RIGHT SIDE, but it appears to be LOCKED behind a SCREEN. A KEYCARD SCANNER is attached.

**== > Shout back at the IMPS, asking where you can find a goddamn KEYCARD**

You turn back to HOLLER at the IMPS, but it seems they have tagged along.

You HOLLER at them anyway.

JERRY offers up his KEYCARD, sporting his UGLY MUG with the designation X-72. You swipe it, unlocking the TRANSPORTALIZER. He says this will get you to the HANGAR DECK, though why you wanna run around in there is beyond him.

**== > TRANSPORTALIZE yourself to the HANGAR DECK, then run around in there**  
**== > Enter the HANGAR DECK, and look for a hidden ship.**

After you and the DRIVER TRANSPORTALIZE yourselves onto the HANGAR BAY, you run around with WILD ABANDON.

The DRIVER sits down during this and pulls out an ENVELOPE. He opens it up and reads aloud that you two have to find "DECK 628B". He also finds a USB stick, which he pockets for later.

You look at the nearest HANGAR DECK, which, to your frustration, reads 001A. 

The HANGAR BAY stretches as far as you can see.

**== > Look for STAIRS or an ELEVATOR or some other method of ASCENDING.**

You find a set of STAIRS leading up the BAY WALLS.

You ascend to DECK 101A, then 201A, then 301A. Every floor seems to have some kind of ONE-RAILED VEHICLE that you can't ACESS.

**== > TRANSPORTALIZE BACK and ask if there's a way to get this thing to TRANSPORTALIZE you a little closer to your destination.**

Leaving the DRIVER, you head back to the FACILITY. JERRY and GARRY are predictably loafing about. 

You ask them if you can TRANSPORTALIZE farther into the HANGAR DECK. They think about it, but GARRY says nope, it's locked down. Usually you can take a RAIL STATION on the wall, but since uh, you're here, they SHUT THAT DOWN.

 **== > TRANSPORTALIZE back into the HANGAR DECK and try to hotwire yourself a RAILED VEHICLE**  
**== > Go up the stairs to 601A, and fiddle with the controls at the RAIL STATION.**  
**== > Get climbing. You were almost halfway there when you got to 301A!**

You head back to the HANGAR DECK and ascend to DECK 601A.

The RAIL STATION CONTROLS seem IMPENETRABLE. The EMERGENCY CONTROL PANEL seems to have some kind of SCANNER on it, though for WHAT you can't tell.

**== > Try to scan your eye with the SCANNER**  
**== > NO DON'T DO THAT**

You attempt to scan your LEFT EYE with the SCANNER.

It appears to have no LIGHT, instead being TOUCH BASED. 

What a disappointment!

**== > Try KEYCARD. If it doesn't work, swipe it backwards. Also try swiping the OTHER END. Pound on SCANNER.**

You place your KEYCARD on the SCANNER. A GREEN OUTLINE is created, one of a HAND!

**== > SCAN the METAL FIST. By that of course you mean punch it repeatedly.**

You scan your METAL FIST, but are REJECTED. You scan your REGULAR HAND, and the CAB DRIVER scans HIS. No dice.

You punch the stupid thing until it looks like an OLD CEREAL BOX.

**== > If the scanner still works, press half your REGULAR HAND to half of THE DRIVER'S HAND, and scan a HAND MONSTROSITY.**

You and the CAB DRIVER form a magnificent HAND MONSTROSITY and present it to the SCANNER.

You are DENIED. The DRIVER is heartbroken. Some things were just not meant to be.

**== > Wrangle an IMP into coming up and trying his HAND at the SCANNER.**  
**== > Guess it's time to get walking. You could go bring the ANNOYING IMPS and scan their hands, but they're probably more trouble than they're worth.**

Torn between OPPOSING IDEAS, you compromise and tell the DRIVER to stay here while you talk to the IMPS. You give him the LOCKBOX and tell him to GO TO TOWN.

You return to the IMPS. You tell them one of them needs to GO WITH YOU and TURN ON THE SCANNERS. They look at each other, then ask you what THIS IS ABOUT, exactly.

_[2x NARRATIVE PROMPT UNLOCKED!]_

You are now the CAB DRIVER.

You are whacking the LOCKBOX with your ARMCHAIR LEG to no avail. You also have the feeling you are BEING WATCHED.

**== > Jack: Tell them that unless they can TURN ON THE SCANNERS, they DON'T NEED TO KNOW.**

You tell them it's none of their BUSINESS, and if they CAN then they need to FOLLOW YOU NOW.

The IMPS look at each other, brows FURROWED. Now hold on, Jerry says, giving you my OFFICIAL KEYCARD is one thing, but making me stick my hands on things is a whole different story.

**== > Driver: Keep doing what you're doing, then turn around and yell that YOU KNOW THEY'RE THERE. Whoever THEY is.**  
**== > Driver: flail like an idiot**

You continue to POUND AWAY, before whipping around and letting THEM know that YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE. 

The EMPTY HANGAR does not respond.

Underneath the STAIRS, an EYE opens, out of sight.

**== > Jack: use a SHARP OBJECT to convince the IMPS to do what you want.**  
**== > JACK: Convince them to help you by saying they could be doing EVEN LESS WORK if they were DILIGENTLY RESOLVING A TECHNICAL ISSUE 6 LEVELS HIGHER. **

Your URGE TO STAB rising, you try to REASON with these clowns, being sure to EMPHASIZE on the amount of POTENTIAL WORK they will be avoiding ELSEWHERE.

They nod at this sound reasoning and FOLLOW YOU. 

The three of you are now in the HANGAR.

**== > Order the imps to place their hands on the SCANNER.**  
**== > Driver: Whack out a dramatic beat on the LOCKBOX.**

Arising to the SIXTH LEVEL, you take the LOCKBOX from the DRIVER, who reports that he as made NO PROGRESS. You tell him you know.

You then order the IMPS to place their hands on the SCANNER. JERRY ambles forward and, after asking what happened to it to which you do not reply, places his HAND upon the SCANNER. Clearance is granted, and the systen begins to BOOT UP. 

GARRY says JERRY has to stay here and keep his HAND on the SCANNER in order for it to OPERATE IN EMERGENCY CONDITIONS. He says he'll come with you guys so you can CONTACT HIM, pointing to his COLLAR MICROPHONE, and also because YOU'RE REALLY COOL.

The THREE OF YOU get onto the RAIL PLATFORM. After asking for the information JERRY punches in the HANGAR NUMBER and your platform speeds away.

The DRIVER asks for the LOCKBOX back, and begins to play a SICK NASTY beat which GARRY starts rapping to. You want nothing to do with this.

The platform suddenly STOPS as the lights on it FLICKER OFF. You seem to be close to HANGAR 622A. GARRY says he has no idea what happened.

**== > Contact JERRY and ask what the hell happened down there. He have someplace better to be?**

You tell GARRY to contact his FRIEND. He punches through and asks him what's going on man.

There is a RATTLING COUGH on the other end, then silence.

Before anyone can RESPOND, the LOCKBOX suddenly is SLICED IN HALF! A NINJA descends through the MONEY CLOUD, readying his BLADE.

**KNIFE the NINJA straight in the EYE with your KNIFE. Nobody screws with your idiots.**  
**Become ENRAGED at the sight of the SHADOWY ASSHOLE**

Your RAGE peaking, you aim to stab this SHADOWY PRICK right in his RIDICULOUS EYEBALL.

He PARRIES you immediately! H-he's fast! You both leap back to sides of the PLATFORM to plan your next move.

You ready your KNIFE. The DRIVER readies his CHAIR LEG. GARRY readies his CROWBAR. The NINJA readies his BLADE.

Money swirling around the four of you, you prepare for a

====

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

You and your band of COHORTS stand opposite a ROGUE NINJA, who is halting your quest to find a HIDDEN SPACESHIP. You are suspended six stories in the air on a RAIL PLATFORM thanks to the MURDER of a RECENT ACQUAINTANCE.

After successfully AUTO-PARRYING your first stab, the NINJA has yet to make a move.

What will you do?

_PRIMARY QUEST: LOCATE DECK 628B_

Your INVENTORY:  
_BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_ROBOTIC ARM STUB equipped with METAL FIST_  
_32 DOLLARS_  
_1x STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE_  
_1x BLOODIED STEEL PIPE_  
_1x ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH_  
_1x ADVANCED CELL PHONE_  
_1x BLOODY APRON_  
_2x TOOTH HALVES_  
_1x PROSPITIAN TOOTH_

_CAB DRIVER is equipped with: CELL PHONE, ARMCHAIR LEG, BAG OF PORK RINDS_

_GARRY is equipped with: KEYCARD, PHONE, CROWBAR, PACK OF GUM_

**== > Jack: Make creative use of the bloodied steel pipe to masturbate furiously in an effort to psych out the NINJA**

Taking your trusty STEEL PIPE between your legs, you present a FAUX SHCLONG that you proceed to wave around to the PARTY'S ASTONISHMENT.

The NINJA advances, and SLICES. The FAUX SCHLONG becomes a 2x HALF STEEL PIPE.

**== > Jack: Tell the NINJA to go fuck himself**

Pissed off at this castration, as well as the preceding MURDER, you tell the NINJA to go fuck himself.

It does not reply. It instead continues to advance towards your PARTY.

**== > Continue to STARE at NINJA in a badass way. NINJAS can only KILL UNSEEN.**

You stare DAGGERS at the NINJA.

Not actual daggers though, its just a figure of speech. Unfortunately.

The NINJA continues towards you UNABATED. GARRY and the DRIVER tremble nervously.

**== > STAND GROUND.**

You stand your ground, readying your KNIFE in a STABBING POSITION. The CAB DRIVER attempts to look MENACING with his CHAIR LEG, and failts. GARRY timidly holds his CROWBAR.

You prepare yourselves for the FIRST MOVE.

**== > Jack: throw BLOODY APRON at ninja to block his vision.**  
**== > Why the hell are we carrying an apron again? Throw the apron, and while it's distracted, stab away**

You THROW the BLOODY APRON!

The NINJA slashes DOWNWARDS to cut it in half, giving you a chance to ACT.

**== > Jack: stab like the wind.**

You unleash a BARRAGE OF STABS!

The first NICKS the NINJA'S NECK, seemingly drawing NO BLOOD. It PARRIES your next attack, then the next, until you are LOCKED IN A DUEL!

Your PARTY MEMBERS stand by.

_[COMMANDS have been unlocked for: GARRY, CD]_

**== > CD, GARRY: attack the Ninja while it is distracted.**  
**== > CAB DRIVER uses ARMCHAIR LEG with BAG OF PORK RINDS held on and attack's the NINJA OF NEFARIOUS PREMISCUITY**

After neither of them can decide who goes first, the DRIVER and GARRY launch themselves into the fray at the same time!

Only able to take ONE, the NINJA chooses GARRY and blocks his CROWBAR ASSAULT, smashing GARRY's forehead with the HILT

The DRIVER aims for the NINJA'S LEGS, batting the BAG OF PORK RINDS, resulting in a SATISFYINGLY CRUNCHY BLOW! The NINJA is tripped into midair amongst a CLOUD OF PORK DUST.

**== > Jack: Tackle the NINJA.**  
**== > JACK NOIR attacks THE NINJA OF NEFARIOUS PROMISCUITY with the ELECTRICALLY CHARGED ORAL HYGIENE PRODUCT**

You launch yourself at the NINJA, intercepting him in midair. You take the opportunity to jam the toothbrush into his THROAT, but he suddenly VANISHES from your grasp before appearing above!

You are kicked into the FLOOR! The toothbrush remains in the NINJA'S throat, buzzing away. ELECTRICITY crackles from the wound.

**== > CD: use CELLPHONE to order SHAVING CREAM**

The CAB DRIVER opens his ANTIQUATED FLIP PHONE and attempts to order some SHAVING CREAM.

He can't get any signal!

**== > SHOOT SELF in KNEE. Then SHOOT NINJA while he's FROZEN in CONFUSION.**

Recovering quickly, you threaten to take your IMAGINARY GUN and blow your goddamn knee off with your IMAGINARY BULLET.

The NINJA appears DISAPPOINTED by your LACK OF AN ACTUAL GUN, and after ripping it out starts assaulting you with your OWN TOOTHBRUSH!

**== > Make it rain DOLLAR BILLS against the NINJA OF NEFARIOUS PROMISCUITY to lure the NINJA with RE PURPOSED BANDAGES. Then JACK NOIR uses BLOODY APRON to choke the N.N.P**

Grabbing onto your REMAINING CASH, you MAKE IT RAIN up in the NINJA'S GRILL. While its distracted prying the bills away you order GARRY to attack, who anxiously leaps at your foe. The NINJA turns to PARRY EASILY, before launching him to the opposite side with a well placed KICK.

**== > [JACK NOIR]Tell Garry to swing, then go for some sweet stabs while he's being bisected.**  
**== > [CAB DRIVER] Climb higher to get better reception.**

You take this opportunity to RIP HIM A NEW ONE with your METAL FIST.

You punch through his SURPRISINGLY SOLID EXTERIOR and come away with a MESS OF WIRES! The NINJA momentarily SEIZES UP!

The DRIVER leaps onto the HANGAR WALL and ASCENDS on his quest for a better signal.

He sees a SEMBLANCE OF A SHAPE in the distance, and wonders if he should ALERT IT.

**== > RIP OPEN NINJA. WEAR NINJA now as MECH SUIT.**  
**== > [JACK NOIR] Continue ripping and tearing.**  
**== > [CAB DRIVER] Ignore the semblance and get on the roof. Try and update your myspace.**

You make to continue your quest of RIPPING and TEARING, but the NINJA has other ideas. After attempting a REBOOT, it deftly FLIPS and flings you onto the RAIL ahead of you! You skid across, and end up hanging with a SINGLE HAND.

After staring at you, the NINJA turns towards GARRY and ADVANCES. GARRY is SCARED SHITLESS.

The DRIVER ignores the SEMBLANCE and climbs up TWO MORE LEVELS. After getting a single bar of signal he checks his YOUPAGE, which confirms he still has ZERO NOTIFICATIONS.

**Jack: FRONT FLIP back onto ROOF.**

You perform a FURIOUS FLIP onto the rail. Nailed it! You start making for the NINJA, stabs at the ready, while it draws its BLADE on GARRY.

The CAB DRIVER receives a call from an UNKNOWN CALLER!

 **== > The CAB DRIVER answers, thinking it's JOHNNY TIGHT LIPS.**  
**== > CAB DRIVER: ANSWER PHONE and THROW PHONE at NINJA as WEAPON.**  
**== > [CAB DRIVER] Who was phone?**  
**== > [GARRY] LUCK ROLL 2000**  
**== > [JACK NOIR] Stab him while his back is turned.**

The CAB DRIVER answers excitedly, wondering if this is JOHNNY TIGHT LIPS.

The irritated caller asks who the hell is he SPEAKING TO.

Suddenly, the NINJA'S EYE changes COLOR! It's head jerks in the direction of the DRIVER, and it LEAPS onto the wall to begin a RAPID ASCENT.

GARRY exhales in relief. The NINJA offhandedly throws a NINJA STAR behind it, which embeds itself in GARRY'S SHOULDER. He sobs in pain, enacting a PAIN ROLL 2000.

You are TRIPPED by the ROLLING IMP!

The DRIVER, hearing something BELOW, notices the NINJA! He throws the PHONE below before answering, cracking the NINJA'S EYE.

This turns on the MUSIC FUNCTION of the phone as it lands onto the PLATFORM, which begins to play INCREDIBLY LOUDLY.

The SEMBLANCE turns towards the commotion and begins HEADING YOUR WAY.

**== > Let the BITCH RUN up next to YOU, and then GRAB IT, while JUMPING OFF BUILDING with IT.**  
**== > [CAB DRIVER] Diving lariat.**

Waiting for the NINJA to GET CLOSER, the DRIVER springs into a DOWNWARDS LUNGE!

The NINJA readies its blade for IMPENDING IMPALEMENT, but his OVERPOWERING VELOCITY catches it OFFGUARD! The DRIVER and the NINJA crash into the SIXTH FLOOR RAILING, the NINJA'S HEAD busting open and raining SPARKS. It begins to seize upwards towards the DRIVER.

You hear LOUD TROMPING. An ARMORED FIGURE seems to be sprinting towards you on the GROUND FLOOR, holding some sort of LARGE RIFLE.

**== > Smash it with robo fist while CD does a jig. garry my man, breathe easy (and patch up that wound).**  
**== > Jack: finish off the NINJA, and ready its robotic corpse as a shield against whatever that thing down there is packing**

Before the NINJA can reduce another one of your COHORTS into a corpse, you reduce its HEAD into PULP. Your METAL FIST punches forward through its HEAD WOUND and out its EYE. 

It slumps forward, SHUTTING DOWN. Permanently.

The DRIVER performs a manic VICTORY JIG. GARRY attempts to look happy through his WHINING. Returning to the PLATFORM with the ROBOTIC CORPSE, you tell him to stop it and rip off a piece of his UNIFORM, wrapping it around the wound.

The DRIVER retrieves his phone, HALTING the DRAMATIC MUSIC. There appears to still be someone on the OTHER END.

From BELOW, a MODULATED VOICE asks what's going on UP THERE. Looking over the side, you BRANDISH THE CORPSE and bare your teeth.

The FIGURE raises two GAUNTLETD PALMS in PACIFICATION. Woah, woah, woah, they mean no harm. Just checking to see if everyone is OKAY.

**== > "Everything is fine. Catch." Corpse toss 1.0**

 

Affirming the figure that everything is going well, you initiate a basic CORPSE TOSS. They catch the BODY, and look at in fascination, audibly asking what they are looking at.

They then turn upwards to your PLATFORM again, asking if you have any way of GETTING DOWN, as you look STUCK.

**== > [CD] Moshi Moshi Cabbu Driveru Desu.**

The CAB DRIVER picks up the phone and asks who dis.

There is silence on the other end, then an IRRITATED VOICE asks for you to put **JACK NOIR** on the line. 

**== > Remove the ninja star from Garry's shoulder before he explodes into grist, and consider employing it on the goon below.**

You retrieve the NINJA STAR from GARRY'S SHOULDER, seeing that he was leaking a bit of SHALE. Don't want to have to clean him off your shirt.

**== > Jack: Use star as a belt buckle and tell the chump below to get this car a movin'.**

Acquiring the NINJA STAR as a new BELT BUCKLE for when you PROCURE A PAIR OF PANTS, you tell the ARMORED INDIVIDUAL to get you all moving to DECK 620B. The DRIVER asks if you mean 628B and you tell him to zip it.

The ARMORED INDIVIDUAL reacts very CONSPICUOUSLY to these numbers, but says that they DO NOT WORK HERE, and thus DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW TO WORK STUFF.

**== > Jack: take phone and answer in a gruff manner**  
**== > and answer the phone in a HARDBOILED MANNER.**

In COINCIDENTAL POETIC JUSTICE, you gruffly ask who the hell you're speaking to.

The voice does not answer. Instead, it tells you that it will make this brief. It will give you ONE LAST CHANCE. If you ASCEND to THE HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY, ALONE, he will TAKE YOU IN PEACEFULLY.

**== > Tell the voice that he can GO FUCK HIMSELF. You're not going back in that goddamn CELL.**  
**== > You've had enough of prisons for the last you don't even know. Hang up and get this shitshow on the road.**

You tell the VOICE to go FUCK HIMSELF. 

There is a tired sigh on the other end. Then he hangs up.

You were expecting something a bit more INTERESTING, but okay.

**== > Throw phone at incompetent armoured figure.**

You CHUCK THE PHONE at the ARMORED INDIVIDUAL for their INCOMPETENCE.

They deftly INTERCEPT it. Wow, they say, this is SO OLD!

**== > Start walking. You'll get to floor what-the-fuck-ever on your own two damn feet.**

You start walking, across the rails, your COHORTS less willingly following your footsteps. The ARMORED BUFFOON follows you from the ground floor.

The DRIVER hums an ANNOYING SONG.

**== > Back to the issue at hand, ask ARMORED INDIVIDUAL what the hell he's doing here if he's not working.**

You ask the ARMORED BUFFOON what the hell he's doing around here if not WORKING, trying to drone out the NOISE.

They reply that that is CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, unfortunately. Then they are silent, walking along, before asking if before you said something about a DECK 628B.

**== > Alright this chum knows something. "Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Who's to know? What's it to him?"**

You tell the ARMORED IDIOT that perhaps, maybe, possibly, SOMEONE up here mentioned a DECK 628B. Why do THEY care?

The CAB DRIVER confirms that yes, he said something about a DECK 628B! He confirms this very loudly. You cover your face and wish for death.

The ARMORED DINGUS almost JUMPS FOR JOY. They excitedly call up to you that they are here to ASSIST YOU IN YOUR MISSION!

**== > This is getting skeevy. Tell armoured dingus to scout ahead and bap CD on the noggin.**  
**== > Take a sneaky look to see how Garry is doing, if he's falling behind we might have to cut the little dude loose.**

You tell the DINGUS that's great, sure, and ask them to go SCOUT AHEAD. 

They reply ecstatically that they will MEET YOU UP AHEAD, its only a FEW HANGARS DOWN and UP A FLOOR. They almost SKIP AWAY, which looks RIDICULOUS in ARMOR.

You bap the DRIVER on the noggin and tell him to QUIT IT. He looks confused but tells you sure boss he'll QUIT IT. Sneaking a look at GARRY, you are surprised to see the IMP keeping the pace, despite looking at his WOUND with a SORROWFUL GLANCE.

**== > Pick up the pace a little. It might only be a FEW HANGARS DOWN, but a call asking you to TURN YOURSELF IN probably means the cops aren't too far behind.**

You and your COHORTS pick up the pace a little. The faster you find this SHIP, the faster you can throw off the MEDDLING FUZZ.

After SEVERAL HANGARS, you finally arrive at STATION 628A. Although the sight of STAIRS makes you all a little SICK after all that walking, you slowly ASCEND.

You are greeted by the ARMORED MORON, who seems to have brought a friend. The MORON introduces themselves as SERGEANT ANGELA of the 1,984TH DIVISION, and her SILENT FRIEND is SERGEANT EEYELL.

The FRIEND breaks the SILENCE, saying simply that they thought you'd be a little TALLER.

Ignoring this, SERGEANT ANGELA tells you that they are here to ESCORT you to your SHIP.

**== > Demand to know just who the hell these people work for. Are they with the cabby or the phone jerk? Someone else? Menace them a bit.**

You demand to know who these JOKERS serve, mentioning a PHONE JERK and your damnable CAB DRIVER, who waves hello.

Answering for her friend, ANGELA says she doesn't know of any PHONE JERK: their PHONE SIGNALS have been DEAD this far down in the HANGAR. In fact, they haven't had contact with ANYONE aside from a PIZZA GUY for the last two months! They were under strict orders to remain and wait for YOU.

She says she misses the PIZZA GUY, but apparently he got hit in the heat with a CAN OF BEANS.

They serve the MODERNAN GALACTIC INFANTRY, and are here on a MISSION to PROCURE THE SAFE DELIVERY OF A SPACESHIP.

**== > Tell THEM you'll OBLIGE as long as there will be TITS and/or FREE WEAPONS.**

You say that you will OBLIGE them, but only if there will be WEAPONS and/or TITS.

ANGELA says that she doesn't know about any WEAPONS, and as for TITS.. she nudges EEYELL.

In a very flat voice, EEYELL responds yes. Yes of course there will be tits. She follows a laughing ANGELA, who punches in a code to the HANGAR SERVICE DOOR and beckons for you to FOLLOW.

You are now in HANGAR 628B, which is housing a SPACESHIP.

_PRIMARY QUEST changed to: INSPECT SHIP_  
_SECONDARY QUEST added: retrieve FREE WEAPONS and/or TITS_

**== > Wait just outside the threshold of the hanger, tapping our foot. We're waiting for tits.**  
**== > Tell Garry to go take a look at the ship**  
**== > Tell CAB DRIVER to examine spaceship.**

Tapping a foot, you order GARRY to go check out the ship. The DRIVER asks if he can go to, and you tell him you don't care, so he follows the TWO SERGEANTS.

You are now the CAB DRIVER.

As the ship comes into view, you gasp. Jumping up and down, you gasp that it's a bonafide STARCUTTER, EPSILON MODEL, of MODERNAN MAKE! GARRY looks at you in confusion, as does EEYELL, who says yes, that is exactly what it is.

She stays with the two of you, while ANGELA moseys off to the HANGAR'S sole TABLE and CHAIRS seemingly to retrieve OLD PIZZA.

She asks you why the OTHER GUY stayed behind and is GLARING. You both SHRUG. You gesture for JACK to follow, but he gives you the FINGER.

**== > Ask why the hell a military organization sent soldiers to help you and not to shoot you on sight.**

You ask why the MILITARY is helping you out.

She SHRUGS her shoulders. A MISSION is a MISSION. They were told to assist anyone looking for the HANGAR, and to confirm they were to look for "the MONEY". She points at your BLING.

**== > SEEK OUT TITS. **

You peer at EEYELL, but only see plated armor. She looks at you in confusion while GARRY appraises the STARCUTTER.

 **JACK NOIR** appears frustrated that the narrative has been JACKED from him, and stalks over to the TABLE. ANGELA offers him OLD PIZZA.

You suddenly remember you have something important to do!

_PRIMARY QUEST changed to: FIND PLACE TO INSERT USB DRIVE_

**== > Tell her your either getting some tits or the rest of that pizza.**

**JACK NOIR** tells ANGELA that he is either getting some TITS or the REST OF THE PIZZA.

ANGELA says here, help yourself. To the pizza. She gives JACK a cheeky pat on the back.

**== > Insert USB drive into one of these slots.**  
**== > Examine ship for interface.**  
**== > Eat pizza.**

Seeing nowhere on the EXTERIOR to insert your USB, you ask SERGEANT EEYELL if there is a MAIN INTERFACE on the ship you can ACCESS.

She replies yes, in the COMMAND CENTER. She asks you to hold on a moment, and RADIOS SOMEONE, telling them they have company and to open the EXTERIOR DOORS.

With a HISS, stairs extend down from the REAR, and another TROOPER appears. EEYELL introduces a SERGEANT TELLUM, who, after expressing surprise at seeing OTHER LIFEFORMS, tells you and GARRY that he will escort you to the COMMAND CENTER.

ANGELA watches with GENUINE FASCINATION as JACK NOIR tears into a WHOLE PIZZA like a rabid animal.

**== > [CD] Fiddle with the computer while asking annoying question about what certain buttons do or what these screens are for.**

You follow the SERGEANTS into the SHIP, through numerous CLEAN CORRIDORS, until you reach the impressive COMMAND CENTER.

You immediately go HOG WILD,pressing EVERY BUTTON and asking for EVERY SCREEN'S PURPOSE while ignoring ANY ATTEMPT AT EXPLANATION.

TELLUM says that he is glad that most functions need to be turned on through MANUAL ACTIVATION of the MAIN POWER CORE, something you promptly IGNORE. 

**== > Walk up into the COMMAND CENTER, and ask TELLUM lots of good questions like where we're going, how much pizza they have left, and what their favorite flavor of ice cream is!**  
**== > [GARRY] Engage stealth griping.**  
**== > [JACK NOIR] Impress soldier dames with GLUTTENTECH LVL 72: MASTERCATION**

You proceed to ask him valuable questions such as where we're going, how much pizza is left and what his favorite ice cream flavor is. 

He says he has no idea where you're going, plenty of it and to take it all because he doesn't like it, and that he prefers SHERBERT but also DOUBLE FUDGE.

GARRY begins to UNSUBTLY whine about his INJURY, to which TELLUM asks about what happened, to which GARRY is happy to tell him in EXCRUCIATINGLY HEROIC DETAIL.

EEYELL sighs and takes off her HELMET with a loud HISS and whirr of MACHINERY. She says that if you have any further questions on the ship to take them up with TELLUM, and excuses herself OUTSIDE.

 **JACK NOIR** continues to shovel down PIZZA. ANGELA asks incredulously if he is challenging her to a COMPETITIVE CHOWDOWN.

**== > If there was any pizza left for her we would. No wait, we'd take that too.**

JACK tells ANGELA that there won't be any pizza left to CHOW ON, grabbing four more slices.

She says oh no, it's on now, before ripping off her HELMET and shoveling down several slices.

**== > BITCH. Engage CHOWDOWN, ready knife.**

JACK readies his knife, hand hovering above several more SLICES.

She readies her FORK, hand hovering over said SLICES.

You proceed to engage in the SICKEST CHOWDOWN the UNIVERSE has ever seen.

EEYELL stands by and watches in distaste as CRUST flies everywhere.

**== > [CD] Find the bathroom and relieve yourself. Designate one if there's is none withing quick glance distance.**  
**== > [Garry]Throw some more bombast in the regaling.**

Wandering away from the CONTROL DECK, you walk down a CORRIDOR and try every door in search of a BATHROOM. You find several LIVING QUARTERS, a KITCHEN, a small MEDICAL STATION and a CLOSET among other things. This includes a BATHROOM. 

You leave after usage without WASHING YOUR HANDS, because you are a CRIMINAL.

Just kidding you could never do that!

GARRY continues to spin the story GRANDIOSELY to the point where he was the one who punched a hole through the ROBOT. With his REGULAR FIST.

TELLUM is ASTOUNDED and claps excitedly!

**== >You should probably get to work soon.**

You ask the SERGEANT where you can plug in your USB. He says try the DATA PORTS over here, and says that you should activate the MAIN POWER CORE first. You ask him what a MAIN POWER CORE is and he says it's the MAIN POWER CORE. You ask him again and he just goes to ACTIVATE IT. 

The COMMAND CENTER lights up. TELLUM points to a number of SLOTS on an OFFBOARD MONITOR.

Insert USB?

**== > Do it.**

You plug the USB into the DATA PORT.

A program BOOTS UP, and a MESSAGE APPEARS.

It reads:

_Hello Mr. Driver._

_If you are reading this, the Warp Coordination Program I have placed in this device is currently being installed. Unfortunately you have one more step in this operation before you and [b] Jack Noir [/b] can exit the District._

_As you read this, a small compartment should open. Within it is a signal relay device that must be deployed in order to gather the coordinates of your destination. There is however a catch. Due to high probability of the signal jamming, you must blah blah blah blah blah blah_

Hey they were right, a compartment did open! You excitedly gather up the SIGNAL RELAY DEVICE, to which TELLUM says he had no idea that compartment existed.

You read the rest of the MESSAGE, and then tell GARRY to check this out. TELLUM checks it out too. You then all RUSH OUTSIDE to tell JACK the NEXT PART OF THE PLAN.

_PRIMARY QUEST changed to: Ascend to the HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY_


	5. Jailbreak (Episode 5: Ascend)

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

Your cohort, the CAB DRIVER, has just informed you that the next step of the plan to BUST YOU OUT of this INSUFFERABLE NEON PRISON involves ascending to the HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY. You are frustrated not only because you are sick of STAIRS, but because you explicitly told a VOICE ON THE PHONE that you would NOT go to said highest point. In fact, you told him to FUCK HIMSELF.

Behind you, GARRY continues to regale the SOLDIERS with tales of MADE UP SPLENDOR.

What will you do?

_Primary Quest: Ascend to HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY_

Your INVENTORY:  
_BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_ROBOTIC ARM STUB equipped with METAL FIST_  
_32 DOLLARS_  
_1x STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE_  
_2x HALF BLOODIED STEEL PIPE_  
_1x ADVANCED CELL PHONE_  
_2x TOOTH HALVES_  
_1x PROSPITIAN TOOTH_  
_2x SLICES OF OLD PIZZA_

**== > pee on the nearest person to you. mark them as your territory**

In your FRUSTRATION, you begin to aim a WHIZZ in the direction of the CAB DRIVER. He flees for his safety.

You are then reminded of the presence of LADIES, and attempt to CALM YOURSELF. This doesn't exactly SUCCEED, but you at least pry your HAND from your CROTCH.

SERGEANT EEYELL immediately tries her best to forget she saw ANY OF THIS, and FAILS.

**== > Contemplate life choices.**

At this point in time, it seems that your choices are to either START HEADING UP, or be forced to live an existence permeated with UNINTELLIGIBLE SIGNS and EQUINE POLICE FORCES. Such an existence sounds, quite frankly, hellish.

**== > Rally the troops and tell GARRY to SHUT UP**

You tell GARRY to SHUT UP and get over here.

The CAB DRIVER sensing that is now safe to return does so as well.

**== > Ask all present what exactly lies beyond this colourful shitscape of wang vendors and robots**  
**== > remember that you encountered two weird colourful robots back inside the actual prison, and ask about those too**

You ask ALL PRESENT what exactly lies beyond this NEON HELLSCAPE.

TELLUM tells you that would be the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. ANGELA elbows him.

Remembering the COLORFUL ROBOTS you had a SKIRMISH with prior, you ask if any of them are LURKING around the city. The DRIVER has no idea, but GARRY perks up. You mean the CHICKEN LOOKIN' ONES, he asks. Yeah, you say. He says those are usually used for INTERGALACTIC DISPUTES AND STUFF. How'd you know about those anywho?

**== > Ask the soldiers if this SHIP can take you to the TOP OF THE CITY in a REASONABLY TIMELY MANNER.**

Turning to the SOLDIERS, you ask if any of them can take you to the TOP OF THE CITY.

ANGELA and TELLUM seem eager, but EEYELL cuts them off. No, she says, orders were to LAY LOW after the ship was transferred into YOUR HANDS. They are to wait for further instructions elsewhere in the city.

ANGELA thinks on this for a moment, then clarifies that they can PROBABLY GIVE YOU A RIDE, at least out of the hangar.

**== > Tell 'em to get you as close to your destination as they can.**  
**== > "Well whaddaya waiting for?" them and be all snappy and authoritative. **

You ask the SOLDIERS what the hell they're waiting for, and tell 'em to start getting a move on.

ANGELA laughs and calls you bossy. TELLUM asks her exactly what the plan is, and she tells him they're going to get their BOARDS! He tells her HELL YES and they make a RUN for the STARCUTTER.

EEYELL simply stands by idly.

**== > Become TIRED and HUNGRY. Head to the nearest FAST FOOD JOINT for some REFRESHMENTS.**

You tell her that you are going to the nearest FAST FOOD JOINT for REFRESHMENTS.

She tells you that you just ate TWO WHOLE PIZZAS.

**== > Ask Garry why a machine designed to resolve interstellar conflicts would need automated punching powers, or be based down here in the city.**

You turn to GARRY and inquire why an INTERGALACTIC DISPUTE RESOLVER has piston punching abilities. He looks confused and asks why WOULDN'T IT?

He then inches over. He offers his hand and says thanks, by the way. You kinda avenged JERRY and all, and saved his ass. He really owes you one.

**SLAP her in the FACE and continue to the nearest FAST FOOD JOINT.**

Becoming IRRITATED at her utterance of such an OBVIOUS STATEMENT, you stalk over to the SERGEANT and PAP her in the face with a PIZZA SLICE.

She deftly blocks it and tells you no.

**== > You meant you were going to get A DRINK. What does she think you are, some sort of HUNGRY BASTARD?**

You clarify that you were going to get a damn DRINK, what does she THINK you meant?

She tells you uh-huh.

**== > Ask EEYELL what the hell they meant by BOARDS, an how long this is gonna take. You're kind of in a HURRY here.**

You then ask her what the hell they mean by BOARDS. She jerks her thumb over to the other two, who have emerged from the STARCUTTER, carrying red TWO-WHEELED DEVICES. On second inspection, they have NO WHEELS AT ALL.

ANGELA tosses one, which EEYELL swiftly catches with a SIGH. She then hop on, and the DEVICE begins to HOVER above the ground.

She tells you three to HOP ON. 

The DRIVER looks at everyone and says that he needs to STAY HERE to MAN THE SHIP! You ask him if he has ever driven one of these things before, to which he replies that he HASN'T. That's just great, you say. He nods excitedly. You can always CALL HIM if you need to ask him something he says, and ADDS HIMSELF to your CONTACTS before you can FIRMLY REFUSE.

_CAB DRIVER has been added to your CONTACTS_

TELLUM and the DRIVER say their sad goodbyes. Looks like its time for you and GARRY to HOP ON.

**== > Let's get going. Tell GARRY that if he really feels like thanking you, working as your, uh... muscle(?) for a while might be a good start.**  
**== > DITCH the DRIVER and TAKE the CAB**

You tell GARRY that the best way of SHOWING YOUR THANKS would be to USE A LITTLE MUSCLE.

He asks you what that means, and you tell him to come with you damn it. He nods and hops on TELLUM'S BOARD. You hop on ANGELA'S because she likes PIZZA. She looks pleased and puts on her HELMET as her teammates do the same.

EEYELL says its time to move out, before the PARTY launches through the doorway and out into the HANGAR BAY. 

STUNTS are pulled. RAILS are grinded. You're pretty sure that ANGELA does a couple of FRONTFLIPS on purpose. GARRY looks a little sick on his third MCTWIST. 

The five of you speed through to the EXIT TRANSPORTALIZER, where the SOLDIERS slow to a halt. They UNEQUIP their boards, as TELLUM eases a queasy looking GARRY to the floor. 

Back in the PROCESSING FACILITY, the PARTY smushes into a SERVICE ELEVATOR. EEYELL tells you she has no idea where any of these go.

**== > Jack: Ride service elevator all the way up.**

You tell her to punch the HIGHEST FLOOR. She obliges.

You all arrive at LEVEL 1: RESIDENTIAL. The sky seems to have turned a shade of MAGENTA. The tops of buildings surround you from all sides, and a large number of FLYING VEHICLES head this way and that. A LARGE POINTY BUILDING dominates the horizon.

As ANGELA and TELLUM ogle at their first view of the outside world in months, EEYELL turns to you. She says that this is where you'll be parting ways, but she hopes that your mission is a success. Whatever it is.

**== > She drug you all the way up here just to leave? Seriously? Tell her to fuck off.**

You tell the SERGEANT to FUCK OFF.

She tells you she sure will. She tells her fellow SOLDIERS to get a move on, and they all begin to head ELSEWHERE. ANGELA waves back at you and tells you that you should eat pizza with her again sometime, to which you respond with a MIDDLE FINGER.

TROLLS, you swear.

You and GARRY are left alone amidst the neon glow.

**== > Head towards the LARGE POINTY BUILDING.**

Suspecting it to be the HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY, you and GARRY begin making your way to the LARGE POINTY BUILDING across the nearby suspended pathway.

**== > Approach the LPB cautiously, there might be cops about.**

You note that there seems to be an increased presence in COP ACTIVITY; they roam in PAIRS, and seem to be asking PASSERBYS about THINGS. THINGS you are sure pertain to YOU.

You suddenly get a VERY LOUD CALL. It appears to be from the CAB DRIVER. One of the COPS rears its head in your direction.

**== > Hide in a dark alleyway and inform CD that this is NOT A GOOD TIME.**

Yanking GARRY by the collar, you make a break out of the advancing crowd towards a nearby SKY-ALLEY. The COP trots into the THRONG, disappearing from VIEW.

Crouching under a SUSPENSION LADDER, you tell the DRIVER that this is NOT a GOOD TIME. He tells you excitedly that climbing to the TOP OF THE SHIP gives you GOOD SIGNAL! You tell him to make it quick.

He tells you that he gave GARRY the SIGNAL RELAY DEVICE to give to YOU. He also tells you that you need to activate it NEAR the HIGHEST POINT; if its CLOSE ENOUGH, it will take a few minutes to GATHER COORDINATES before he can come PICK YOU UP.

You tell GARRY to GIVE YOU THE THING. 

You acquire the THING (SIGNAL RELAY DEVICE).

You hear a RUSTLING nearby, behind some TRASH CANS.

**== > Quietly inspect TRASH CANS**

You inch over to the TRASH CANS, knife primed for STABBING.

A SQUARE FACE pops out and asks if it isn't his FAVORITE CUSTOMER. It appears to be a familiar ANDROID, by the name of ILLEGAL CONTRABAND. He sits surrounded by BOXES of STUFF, more than likely NOT LEGAL.

He asks you WHAT'S GOOD.

**== > You always have time for knives. Ask him what he's got.**

You ask him what he's got. He's more than happy to lay out his WARES.

_DUCT TAPE- 5 DOLLARS_  
_DECK OF SMUTTY MODERNAN PLAYING CARDS- 10 DOLLARS_  
_BOTTLE OF SMUGGLED FOREIGN WHISKEY- 20 DOLLARS_  
_STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE (RESTOCK)- 25 DOLLARS_  
_KATANA- 80 DOLLARS_  
_HOME ALONE 3 on VHS- 99 DOLLARS_

He says REPEAT CUSTOMERS get a discount, especially those that appreciate a good MELEE WEAPON under FIVE FEET.

**== > Buy another knife. You can never have enough of the things.**

You buy another STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE.

He says he knew how you liked 'em.

This brings your TOTAL to 7 DOLLARS.

You now have 2x STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE.

**== > Buy duct tape and whiskey.**

You buy the DUCT TAPE. He says don't worry, this is perfectly ILLEGAL.

Your TOTAL is 2 DOLLARS.

**== > Ask him if he'll take the PROSPITIAN TOOTH. Maybe someone collects this stuff?**

You offer him the PROSPITIAN TOOTH. He asks you if its a REAL TOOTH, and you say its genuine 100% PROSPITIAN. He thinks it over, before asking if you acquired it WITH PERMISSION. You reply of course not, to which he simply takes it and hands you 8 DOLLARS.

Your total is now 10 DOLLARS.

**== > Sell him the half bloodied steel pipe. It has to be worth some moolah since it's actually killed someone. He can sell it to some mall ninja.**

You then offer him the 2x HALF BLOODIED STEEL PIPE.

Appraising it, he asks if that is YOUR BLOOD, to which you reply it isn't. He looks it over, in his hands, before bonking GARRY with both pieces. Ignoring his protests he affirms that it is in good condition. 

You then tell him a NINJA broke it. He looks as surprised as an ANDROID can, and asks if you mean a BLACK OPERATIVE? You ask if if that means robot ninja, and he says yes and hands you 15 BUCKS for the thing.

You now have 25 DOLLARS.

**== > Ask how highly he values a free trip off of the station.**

You contemplate THREATENING the VENDOR by insinuating he may drop a FEW LEVELS, but he seems TOO COMPLIANT to properly mug.

GARRY however is probably considering it.

**Buy the SMUTTY PLAYING CARDS. You haven't known the touch of a woman since Ms. Paint, and you'll take what you can get.**

Owning up to your ABJECT LONELINESS, you purchase the SMUTTY PLAYING CARDS. It's filled with GREY HORNED WOMEN, most of which have their TITS OUT. Pretty much what you expected. 

Your total is now 15 DOLLARS. 

Garry swears and says he wish he brought his wallet.

**== > Jack: Ponder whether carapacians can actually have children.**

This, naturally, leads you to begin thinking of HOMELY FAMILIES and CHILDREN.

You DISPERSE this thought IMMEDIATELY. If you could stab a thought you would have stabbed that one. A lot. 

You then begin to wonder if you can physcially harm a THOUGHT in this universe. Yeah probably.

**Whoa whoa whoa, wait, I didn't mean kill/threaten him! I really, actually meant a ride off the station in our newly acquired ship.**

Having decided that he is surprisingly USEFUL, you offer IC a ride OUT OF HERE on your NEW SPACESHIP.

He says you got a SHIP. Yeah, you say, the STARSOMETHING. Never heard of that one, he says. Yeah well it'll get you off this garish rock, you say, you want in? He scratches his ANTENNAE, thinking. He says there was a STING on the CORRIDOR a couple hours ago, nothing really new, but it WAS the second time this decade and that sets a pretty bad precedent you know? Makes an android feel like he can't sell his CONTRABAND in PEACE no more.

**== > Say that he gets room and board on the ship for the whiskey.**

You tell the ANDROID that you'll give him ROOM AND BOARD upon the STARSOMETHING, in exchange for the FOREIGN WHISKEY. And by that you mean ALL the FOREIGN WHISKEY.

He extends a ROBOTIC ARM, shaking YOURS. He sees an EXCELLENT PARTNERSHIP in your MUTUAL FUTURE, MR....

Y'know, he never did get your name.

**== > Mr. Spade. We've had too many people recognize our name.**

You tell him it's SPADE. MISTER SPADE.

GARRY looks at you, brows raised, but you glare at him and he keeps quiet. 

ILLEGAL CONTRABAND notices none of this. He simply asks you when and where you'll PICK HIM UP, Mister Spade. He just needs to gather his STUFF.

**== > Tell him we have to go climb that tower, scope out the cosmic current and all that astronavigational bullshit.**

You tell the ANDROID that you'll pick him up after a bunch of EXERTIVE TEDIOUS BULLSHIT has been dealt with, including heading to the top of that BIG POINTY BUILDING up ahead.

He says that's PAGODA BROADCASTING, they love him over there! They've only knocked his pitches down seven or eight times. He's not even allowed in the building anymore, they're playing hard to get.

**== > Tell him to ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST POINT OF THE BUILDING to his immediate right. You'll pick him up when you can, but he'll probably have to hurry when you show up, you know, seeing as the AUTHORITIES won't like an unauthorized ship flying around under the QUARANTINE and all.**.

You tell him NO, he's going to go to ASCEND as damn well as he can to the TOP OF THAT BUILDING over there, pointing to a random one on your RIGHT. He'll have to BOOK IT when he sees the SOLE SPACESHIP flying around.

He looks up and says he'll meet you up there MISTER SPADE, and GOOD LUCK with ALL THAT BULLSHIT. He returns to his BOXES and begins rummaging around.

GARRY tells you that MISTER SPADE is a pretty badass name. You barely acknowledge him, instead plotting your NEXT MOVE.

**== > What say we drop a slice of pizza so that some chump slips and falls of the bridge and we get out of there in the confusion?**

Heading to the edge of the ALLEYWAY, you look out into the THRONG. While not as swamped as MARKET ROW, there is still a pretty heavy crowd.

You throw a PIZZA SLICE as SUBTLY AS YOU CAN, and it plops onto the BRIDGE. You wait for some POOR SUCKER to slip to his DOOM. Here comes one right now-

Before he puts his foot down, he notices the PIZZA. He seems EXCITED, and begins eating the FLOOR PIZZA with great gusto.

The surrounding crowd is SICKENED.

**== > Slip by while the crowd ogles at this PUBLIC HEALTH VIOLATION.**

You and GARRY make your way past the DISGUSTED CROWD. The MAN WITH NO SELF-RESPECT looks around in confusion, and is subsequently harassed by COPS.

You arrive in front of the MAIN PLAZA. PAGODA BROADCASTING stands front and center; FOREIGN CARTOONS and INTERGALACTIC NEWS flash on screens that are WAY TOO BRIGHT.

There seems to be a main entrance, flanked by NUMEROUS COPS, as well as a SERVICE ENTRANCE to the side for STAFF.

**== > Start a lynch mob. This guy is a degenerate and should get what's coming to him.**

You tell GARRY to get OBNOXIOUS, and whisper instructions.

He shrilly yells to the MEANDERING PUBLIC that THAT GUY is eating PIZZA OFF THE GROUND.

In a mix of SHOCK and OUTRAGE but mostly OUTRAGE, a large MOB begins to form. Several COPS are dispatched from the MAIN ENTRANCE, leaving TWO BEHIND.

**== > Try and slip into the service entrance.**

The two of you head over to the SERVICE ENTRANCE.

It seems to be mainly for VEHICLES. A LARGE DOOR opens up for a NEWS VEHICLE that hovers inside, before CLOSING SHUT. There also seems to be a KEYCARD SCANNER off to the side.

A CAMERA surveys the scene, swaying back and forth.

**== > Create a DASTARDLY DISGUISE by repurposing your remaining PIZZA SLICE into a PIZZA BEARD**

You repurpose your remaining PIZZA SLICE into a fabulous PIZZA BEARD. You just kind of slap it on your face.

GARRY blinks.

**== > Wait for the door to open again, then rush inside. Stab anyone who tries to stop you.**

efore you can explain, you HOP onto the back of the next NEWS VEHICLE. You gesture for GARRY to hurry his ass, and he just manages to catch up before the door CLOSES SHUT behind you.

You're NOT SURE if you managed to dodge the CAMERA.

Your VEHICLE begins to pull into a PARKING SPACE in what appears to be BRIGHT GARAGE.

**== > Throw pizza at camera to blind it then run in next time it opens.**

The PIZZA has been REPURPOSED.

 

**== > Wait to see if anyone gets out, then stab them.**

A VERY TIRED WORKER exits the vehicle, lugging a CAMERA.

You promptly STAB THEM TO DEATH.

They let out a long groan and COLLAPSE.

**== > Take the CAMERA, making sure it wasn't recording. Also make sure nobody's around.**

You acquire the CAMERA. It seems to have been TURNED OFF at the moment of STABBING. GARRY takes the BACKPACK before it gets too BLOODY.

Looking about you, it seems that, aside from a LONE CAMERA and a NEW CORPSE, you are ALONE. 

**== > Bloodlust temporarily sated, look for an exit.**

The CAMERA is pointed towards a LONE ELEVATOR. Next to it is a STAIRWELL.

**== > Take his clothes, backpack, camera, and key card. You want to look like you're supposed to be here.**

You tell GARRY to search for a KEYCARD, which he finds MOMENTARILY. He throws it to you; it has the DERSITE'S ACCESS CODE.

You then UNDRESS the poor sucker, taking his CLOTHES. A little MESSY but they'll do. You take the CAMERA with you as well seeing as it is probably PRETTY BLUNT.

**== > Make the CORPSE look like a SLEEPING person via CAREFUL MANIPULATION.**

You take the DERSITE'S hand and place two fingers up his NOSE. Garry says yeah, that looks good.

**== > Fuck stairs, let's take the elevator.**

Freshly DISGUISED, you and GARRY head over to the ELEVATOR. It seems to only go up to the LOBBY.

GARRY looks at you, gulping. Looks like you'll have to find the MAIN ELEVATOR out in the LOBBY if you want to ASCEND QUICKLY, he says.

**== > Put on your POKER face for minimized SUSPICION.**

You always have your POKER FACE on.

**== > Let's do this. Set something on fire before you leave though.**

You ask GARRY if he knows how to DISASSEMBLE any of these pieces of junk and MAKE THEM EXPLODE. He says no, he's only ever SHIPPED THEM. Irritated at your unsatisfied ARSONLUST you tell him to get in the damn elevator.

You arrive in the LOBBY. 

Everything is BRIGHT and LOUD, unsurprisingly. REPORTERS bustle here and there as do ERRAND BOYS and the occasional COP.

**== > Look around for figures of interest.**

You look about.

There doesn't seem to be anyone of PARTICULAR INTEREST. There is a number of DAMES manning the HELP DESK, a couple COPS talking with REPORTERS near the FRONT DOORS, a-

You are suddenly smacked upside the head with a NEWSPAPER. This is especially UPSETTING to you.

An irritated voice says look who FINALLY decided to show up to work today.

It appears to be a FURIOUS SALAMANDER. He says that you better have brought his coffee ASSHOLE, he doesn't care if its six hours late it better be GOOD and LUKEWARM.

GARRY silently shakes his head very, very slowly.

**== > Direct him to an out of sight alcove with the promise of the most ostentatious lukewarm coffee he's ever laid eyes on. Then stab him.**

Between sears of RAGE and MEMORIES and MEMORIES THAT BRING YOU RAGE, you tell your "boss" that you got him coffee so lukewarm, you could wrinkle his toes in it.

He says you're REALLY FUNNY and whaps you again with the NEWSPAPER. He tells you that he's on in TEN and you're to COME WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. 

He books it for the MAIN ELEVATOR, and you barely manage to follow without strangling a nearby CIVILIAN. GARRY remarks that that guy is so screwed and you tell him to shut his face.

Making it to the ELEVATOR, he chides you on being slow. You see that the elevator goes up to the 69TH FLOOR, and he presses the button for the 42ND.

He asks who your DUMB LITTLE FRIEND is, pointing his PAPER at GARRY.

**== > Stab him fifty eight time, only in the arms and legs.**

Oh him, you ask, pointing to GARRY ,before stabbing the little asshole FIFTY EIGHT TIMES, a STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE in EACH HAND.

GARRY swears loudly as he gets splashed with BLOOD. The SALAMANDER shrieks in MORTAL PAIN. The nearby crowd recoils in HORROR, screaming and running this way and that, alerting the ENTIRE LOBBY to your presence.

The ELEVATOR opens up with a DING, and a SUITED DERSITE begins to walk out. He notices the TWITCHING SALAMANDER on the floor.

Oh geez!

**== > Nice suit. Go for the face stab, and try not to get any blood on it. Enter the elevator, head for the ROOF, and change clothes.**

Admiring the man's SUIT, you stab a KNIFE directly into his FOREHEAD and kick him back into the ELEVATOR.

A POLICE FORCE is galloping towards you, so GARRY shoves you in and begins pushing BUTTONS. The DOOR almost CLOSES, but not before a COP sticks his METAL HAND through and begins to pry the doors OPEN.

**== > Attempt to find a seam in the cop's hand to jam a knife into.**  
**== > Counter and push back his METAL HAND with YOUR OWN.**

You jam a BLOODY KNIFE into the the COP'S PALM and WIGGLE AROUND, dislodging several PANELS.

You then SMASH your METAL FIST inside of HIS, ripping into the WIRES. When satisfied you YANK BACK, tearing off the WHOLE ARM. 

The ELEVATOR CLOSES, and begins to ASCEND. GARRY sinks to the floor, STUNNED.

You mosey on over to the DEAD GUY and retrieve your KNIFE. You then retrieve his SUIT.

Eh, a little BLOOD got on it, but it looks alright. You put it on.

Yeah. This feels good.

**== > that heart- did we just stab HB?**

You inspect the CORPSE.

Nobody you know, just some dead guy. Who is now naked. You throw the PIZZA BEARD on him to cover him up,

**== > Put a piece of tape over the blood so you don't raise suspicion. Make a mental note to find a DRY CLEANER later.**

You then put a SQUARE OF DUCT TAPE over the BLOOD, in order to stay INCOGNITO. Visiting a DRY CLEANER somewhere out there is added to your immense TO-DO LIST.

The ELEVATOR suddenly slows to a halt. An AUTOMATED VOICE comes onto the speakers, alerting you of an IMMINENT ELEVATOR POWER SHUTDOWN. This is followed by an announcement of a SECURITY ALERT.

Whoops.

**== > Use the combined might of your METAL HAND and the ROBOCLOP's HAND to pry open the door.**

Engaging in a FORCEFUL 2x METAL HANDJOB, you pry the ELEVATOR DOORS forcibly OPEN.

You are greeted with the DARKNESS often associated with ELEVATOR SHAFTS.This DARKNESS begins to pulsate RED as the SECURITY ALERT is PROCESSED.

Looking at the ELEVATOR MONITOR, you seem to be on the 38TH FLOOR.

**== > Look for a maintenance hatch.**

You look UPWARDS, and pry off the MAIN LIGHT. There is a HATCH that you pop open, leading upwards into the SHAFT.

GARRY says no, please not HEIGHTS.

**== > Climb up into the SHAFT and examine your surroundings.**

You climb upwards into the SHAFT.

It is CRAMPED, and an EMERGENCY LADDER on the wall heads UPWARDS.

**== > It's either up here or in the pen, Garry. Offer him a hand.**

GARRY whines again, and you tell him that you'll leave him there with the DEAD GUY. You put your LONGER ARM in there and HOIST him out.

Are you ready to ASCEND?

**== > You've always appreciated a nice, long SHAFT. Start climbing.**

You start CLIMBING. GARRY, after a MINUTE of INDECISIVENESS, follows your lead.

Besides the THROBBING RED LIGHT, your climb is surprisingly UNEVENTFUL. The two of you ASCEND at an unknown pace.

This would be a good time for a song to play, you guess, while you reflect on everything you've done today.

Of course, no song plays, because it's an ELEVATOR SHAFT. All is quiet, aside from your short breaths, and GARRY'S haggard ones.

You finally RUN OUT OF LADDER. 

The DOOR above reads 69TH FLOOR.

**== > Open the door, activate the relay device, and get ready to kill any motherfucker that tries to stop you.**

After PRYING the DOORS OPEN, you activate the RELAY DEVICE. It begins to ESTABLISH A CONNECTION.

You peek your head up and into the ROOM, ready to STABLUNGE any poor sucker that gets in your way.

You are greeted with... an empty office.

**== > Express your frustration by stabbing a random item of furniture**  
**== > STABLUNGE some INANIMATE OBJECT in the office to gain STREET CRED.**

You enter the EMPTY OFFICE with a FEROCIOUS STABLUNGE anyway.

An OFFICE CHAIR is MURDERED SENSELESSLY.

GARRY looks as confused as you are. He looks around and checks a few doors. No NINJAS or anything. Just more STAIRS.

You suddenly get a CALL from the CAB DRIVER!

**== > Answer the phone in a HARD-BOILED MANNER.**  
**== > Barricade the doors with OFFICE FURNITURE while you talk with CD.**

You say HELLO, YES, THIS IS JACK NOIR.

He says its the CAB DRIVER! You say yes you know. He tells you that the SHIP just received signal from the RELAY DEVICE and its booting up some kind of PROGRAM. When its CONNECTED, it should just take a COUPLE MINUTES to find out the WARP COORDINATES, and then we can all GET OUT OF HERE!

He says that he can FIND YOUR LOCATION through your PHONE'S GPS and he'll be there to PICK YOU UP. He'll text you when the PROGRAM BEGINS. 

You say you're busy making a wall of office chairs, and hang up.

GARRY places the RELAY DEVICE on a nearby TABLE, one of the few you have not placed against the WINDOWS. 

Wind howls down from the nearby STAIRWELL.

You think it might be time to make any last minute CHANGES before you ascend FURTHER.

**== > Look for another suitable weapon in the office. Failing that, just break off a table leg or something and hand it to Garry.**

You and GARRY root around the OFFICE.

You find:

_1x Pair of Scissors_  
_2x Stapler_  
_1x Dry Erase Marker_  
_4x Markers_  
_2x Rubber Bands_

**== > Equip GARRY with the SCISSORS, and ASCEND FURTHER.**  
**== > Combine the STAPLERS using a RUBBER BAND and/or some DUCT TAPE to create the STAPLER TWOFOLD. Marvel at the complete uselessness of this object, and wonder what possessed you to create it.**

You combine the STAPLERS with the RUBBER BAND, using DUCT TAPE to seal the UNHOLY UNION, creating the dreaded STAPLER TWOFOLD. 

THIS

IS

completely useless. You pocket it anyway because.

Ascend?

**== > Y**

You ASCEND to the HIGHEST POINT IN THE CITY.

You open a door, and walk out onto a ROOFTOP. The CITYSCAPE dazzles you from BELOW a MAGENTA SKY.

A HOODED FIGURE sits on the opposite side, looking DOWNWARDS.

 

**== > oh FUCK maybe you should just kind of turn around and descend back into that office**

You attempt to have SECOND THOUGHTS on this matter, and FAIL FANTASTICALLY.

**== > Acknowledge the FIGURE in the most badass way you can muster.**

You yell out HEY ASSHOLE and throw the DRY ERASE MARKER. Nice going.

The figure SWATS IT AWAY without looking. 

He says hey, Jack. He honestly didn't expect you to show up. He stands up, patting off his pants before turning to face you. He takes off his HOOD.

You have no idea who this is.

**== > Vaguely recall SUNGLASSES.**

Something about this guy's SUNGLASSES brings back MEMORIES, seemingly FORGOTTEN. You try to PLACE HIM.

He says that he's really disappointed in you.

**== > Ask POINTY GLASSES DUDE about the nature of his interest in you.**

You ask him what his DEAL is with you.

His deal? He says his deal is that he wanted to give you a CHANCE Jack. He wanted to see what would happen when you got OUT. 

You can't CHANGE THE WORLD, JACK, when all you want to do is KILL IT.

**== > Shout obscenities at the ASSHOLE.**

You shout just about every OBSCENITY you can think of at this POINTY-HAIRED PRICK.

He stands there and listens. 

**== > Keep him talking to buy some time. Text CD, let him know where IC is, and tell CD to pick him up first, and then get you.**

While you do this, you attempt to reach for your PHONE in order to MESSAGE CD.

A BLUR, and it is GONE. It is now in the hands of the SHADES GUY.

He says for you to shut up and listen to him. Murdering just about EVERY CIVILIAN YOU ENCOUNTERED was one thing, but HIRING them to lug your SHIT? He points a finger at GARRY. What the hell is wrong with you?

GARRY tells him to shut up, asshole, his friend is DEAD because of you.

He has no words for that.

**== > Does this look like a world that wants to change? Everyone's too busy being 'safe' and 'normal'. Your random acts of violence are doing this place a favor**

You tell the SHADES DUDE that your MURDERS were the best damn thing to happen to this TOWN in a LONG WHILE. You don't regret a THING.

He stares at the two of you and sighs, before VIBRATING slightly. The PHONE returns to your hand.

He tells you get your ONE PHONE CALL, and then you're done.

**== > Call CD.**

You call the DRIVER.

He says he was just about to call YOU. He got your SIGNAL, and the COUNTDOWN should start ANY MOMENT NOW! You tell him thanks for nothing before hanging up.

The DUDE looks at the two of you.

He asks you if you'll COME IN QUIETLY.

Last chance.

**== > Stab him. Quietly.**  
**== > Come out swinging.**

You unsheathe BOTH of you STANDARD-ISSUE KNIVES. And LUNGE.

You are KICKED BACKWARDS.

The DUDE says that's it. He GIVES UP. 

You're a failure. He's a failure. He thought you could CHANGE. He thought you could DO GOOD. All you can do is DESTROY. It's what you do.

NINJAS appear by his side, their EYES matching the HORIZON.

But you know what? That's okay. He can DESTROY too.

He unveils a SILVER HILT, from which emerges a BEAM OF LIGHT.

I wanted to play a GAME with you JACK. 

But the GAME'S OVER.

The floating text informs you that you face DIRK STRIDER.

Your phone receives a message. It is a COUNTDOWN CLOCK, reading 3:14.

_PRIMARY GOAL changed to: SURVIVE_

====

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

Across a rooftop stands one DIRK STRIDER, accompanied by a small army of NINJA ROBOTS. He aims to DESTROY YOU.

You and your cohort, an IMP named GARRY, must SURVIVE for three minutes and fourteen seconds, before you can be picked up by your ESCAPE SHIP and make it off this PLANET.

STRIDER points at you, and then gives you a thumbs down. His NINJAS advance.

What will you do?

_[Combat Commands have been unlocked for: Garry]_

**=== > JACK: Utilize the crowbar to jiggle your junk and masturbate furiously to taunt STRIDER**

You take GARRY'S CROWBAR and create a FAUX PHALLUS, which you proceed to FLAUNT in STRIDER'S direction.

He shakes his head solemnly. Not cool.

Before GARRY can ask you for his crowbar back, two NINJAS leap forward, swords drawn.

**== > JACK and GARRY: Stay on the defensive for now, look for an opening.**

You quickly toss GARRY back his CROWBAR, and he joins you for a 2X PARRY. Your combined STRENGTH pushes the NINJAS back, but TWO MORE NINJAS join the FRAY. FOUR begin to advance upon you.

STRIDER blurs out of sight.

TIME REMAINING: 3:00

**== > Attempt to blind the NINJAS with RAPID CAMERA FLASHES**

You whip out the CAMERA you stole from some GUY you killed earlier, and attempt to FLASH the NINJAS into submission.

It being a large NEWS CAMERA you can do nothing of the sort!

**== > Attack the most separated NINJA of the group.**

You lunge for the NINJA most separate from the group, the one to the FAR LEFT, and proceed to smash the CAMERA over its head.

It BLOCKS, but the weight of the CAMERA causes it SLICE IN HALF and smash its face in. It cracks and sputters as the two of you careen to the ground. A NINJA pursues you.

The OTHER TWO begin to close in on GARRY. He also senses something BEHIND HIM.

TIME REMAINING: 3:00

**== > UNROLL the DUCT TAPE and use it as a lasso on the 2 NINJAS**  
**== > JACK: Take its sword, throw a knife at your pursuer.**

You take your ROLL OF DUCT TAPE and THROW IT at the approaching NINJA.

Predictably it BLOCKS, but seeing as you were aiming for its HILT the TAPE succeeds in wrapping around its target. You yank the TAPE, and the power of your MANGRIT sends the sword flying in your direction.

You catch the sword, and pound in the face of the NINJA below you with your METAL ARM.

You advance on your OPPONENT, sword in hand.

**== > Garry: Swing CROWBAR at what's BEHIND YOU**

GARRY, sensing SOMETHING OR OTHER behind him, leaps to his side and swings with his CROWBAR.

It is caught by an impassive DIRK STRIDER, who proceeds to launch GARRY into the air with a well placed BICYCLE KICK.

He then launches into the sky with his fellow NINJAS in pursuit.

TIME REMAINING: 2:45

**== > Engage DIRK STRIDER in a battle of EPIC PROPORTIONS.**

Clashing against the ONCOMING NINJA with your newly stolen SWORD, you take a chance to whistle up at STRIDER.

He looks down, before audibly uttering an OH HELL NO and launching himself back downwards. He readies his PLASMA SWORD. Your NINJA OPPONENT rushes you.

**== > GARRY: Try to knock a NINJA into DIRK's path.**

One of the NINJAS pursuing GARRY readies its FIST, ready to initiate a MIDAIR BEATDOWN.

GARRY, in his panic, brings down the CROWBAR. It crunches down into the NINJA's fist, smashing through the metal, until it finally cracks its FACE, sending it hurtling DOWNWARDS.

It smashes through the ROOFTOP, ofsetting your NINJA OPPONENT's balance.

TIME REMAINING: 2:37

**== > JACK: Grapple your NINJA OPPONENT and throw him DIRK-wards.**

On your next CLASH, you aim for the NINJA's EYE with your METAL FIST, smashing it.

When it's disoriented, you then UPPERCUT the sucker right into STRIDER'S PATH.

As the NINJA hurtles towards him, STRIDER deftly slices with his PLASMA BLADE. He soars through the BURNING 2x HALF ROBOCORPSE unabated.

**== > With STRIDER currently panicing throw a KNIFE at whatever is letting him FLY.**

You ready a STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE and aim it at whatever DEVICE is allowing him to FLY AROUND.

There seems to be NO SUCH DEVICE. What the hell?

He soars in your direction.

**== > Jack: AUTO-GARRY**

You cannot AUTO-GARRY, for GARRY is currently "dueling" a NINJA in his DESCENT!

TIME REMAINING: 2:32

**== > Garry: Jam crowbar into ninja and ride that sucker down onto some other ninjas' head**  
**== > GARRY: Aim for a NINJA's neck with your SCISSORS.**

As he and the NINJA parry one another in their DESCENT, a fearful GARRY slashes wildly with his SCISSORS.

He NICKS a slice of the NINJA'S neck! In surprise its head recoils for a moment. He takes this opportunity to shove his CROWBAR inside and push down, sending the NINJA HEAD launching from its shoulders and into the CITY below.

He proceeds to ride the HEADLESS NINJA like an ATOM BOMB into the ROBOT CROWD below. Expecting anything but a HEADLESS FELLOW NINJA, they are unprepared.

**== > Jack: Take a moment to marvel at this shitty katana and wonder out loud at the dork who thought it was cool.**  
**== > Ask him why his NINJAS are so SHIT compared to the one from earlier.**

You take one of your PRECIOUS FEW MOMENTS to wonder aloud what kind of LAME JACKASS thought a bunch of SEMI-COMPETENT ROBOT NINJAS was a great idea.

Said JACKASS ignores your taunt and closes in with his blade.

The two of you are suddenly SWAMPED by a wave of KNOCKED-OVER NINJAS.

TIME REMAINING: 2:20

**== > Jack & Garry: Stabnado X2: Requiem for a Weeaboo**  
**== > GARRY: Flip the fuck out.**

You and GARRY, who is currently FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT and bashing DOWNED NINJAS in the face, initiate a WHIRLING STABNADO, A large number of NINJAS are sent blasting off the side of the ROOFTOP in your FRENZY.

**== > Take this opportunity to STAB him while he's WEIGHED down by the ninjas and can't FLY away.**

You then take the moment to plunge downwards on what appears to be DIRK STRIDER, currently buried underneath a ROBOT or two. You bury your SWORD deep into the CORPSE PILE.

There is a strange humming noise, and you feel your sword begin to VIBRATE. The pile shifts and begins to break apart as DIRK STRIDER rises, his PLASMA SWORD slowly disintegrating YOURS. You dash backwards, left with a HALF SWORD.

He tells you he's had ENOUGH, before simply HOVERING INTO THE AIR. He can apparently fly. Great.

He begins to glow a violent MAGENTA.

TIME REMAINING: 2:10

**== > Don't be RETARDED and throw a KNIFE at his NECK as only RETARDS let others charge their power right infront of them.**

Sensing some BULLSHIT about to occur, you toss a KNIFE in the direction of this POINTY HAIRED RAVE DUDE before he can pull anything weird.

He suddenly splits into a cool SEVEN COPIES the instant the knife connects! Seeing as he was INTANGIBLE, the STANDARD-ISSUE knife soars over the roof and off towards WHO KNOWS WHAT. 

**== > If that doesn't work, give GARRY a knife and throw him.**

Frustrated, you tell GARRY to DO HIS WORST. You hand him the other KNIFE. He asks you what and you LAUNCH him UPWARDS, screaming.

STRIDER'S COPIES suddenly become ONE DUDE, just in time to INTERCEPT GARRY. GARRY feebly STABS HIM. He doesn't react.

He tells him to GET OUT OF HIS SIGHT, before THROWING him towards a nearby ROOFTOP.

It seems STRIDER'S BLADE has GROWN SEVENFOLD.

You hear your PHONE ring!

TIME REMAINING: 2:00

**== > Toss the phone to Garry so he can answer it.**

You throw the PHONE in GARRY's direction so that he can answer in your stead.

After bouncing and skidding for many METERS, GARRY woozily initiates a SWEET CATCH! He answers rather creakily.

It's the CAB DRIVER! He says that he just opened the HANGAR DOORS, and that he's ON HIS WAY!

**== > GARRY: Try to find a way back while making loud remarks about your enemy's MANHOOD, or LACK THEREOF.**

Looking back at the DUDE WITH THE GIANT SWORD, Garry rushes to the side of the ROOFTOP to look for an EXIT. 

There appears to be a LONG FIRE ESCAPE. FLYING VEHICLES speed past you several floors below.

**== > KICK him in the BALLS all seven pairs if necessary.**

You make aim to make kick STRIDER'S SEVEN NEW PAIRS OF ASS AND BALLS.

He tells someone to begin EVACUATING THE AREA, before raising his SEVENFOLD SWORD. He slashes DOWNWARDS, sending a wave of RIPPLING ENERGY in your direction.

TIME REMAINING: 1:50

**== > Expertly THROW both tooth halves into his MOUTH to disgust him long enough to STAB him.**

Staring RIPPLING ENERGY right in its nonexistent face, you toss both of your TOOTH HALVES towards the SHADED PRICK.

They expertly soar right past the ENERGY and right into DIRK'S mouth. He begins to GAG.

**== > JACK: You should probably DODGE that, or VAULT over it if it's a HORIZONTAL WAVE.**  
**== > Jack: Evasive maneuvers. By witch I mean a preemptive stabbing.**

Your SURVIVAL INSTINCT decides to take control, and you jump away from the ENERGY before it collides with the BUILDING.

It sinks into the ROOFTOP, before a loud BLAST is heard from within.

PAGODA BROADCASTING begins to CRACK IN HALF!

**== > GARRY: IMPS are good at climbing cliff faces and the sides of buildings, right?**  
**== > Garry:Hitch a ride.**

GARRY, utilizing his INNATE IMPISHNESS, digs his fingers into the side of the building and begins a MODERATE DESCENT.

He pries one SHAKING HAND and thumbs for a RIDE. A FLYING TAXI pulls up. 

The CABBIE says YO.

 

**== > JACK: Make some sort of comment about who the real destructive force is here. Then jump up and attempt crotch-kick.**  
**== > Jack: Robo punch DS in his CH.**

Audibly questioning the aim of this douchebag's DESTRUCTION, you race up the COLLAPSING ROOFTOP before digging your HALF SWORD into a crack. You launch yourself off the HILT and bring your METAL FIST in direct contact with his CROTCH while he's distracted. 

He GUFFAWS in pain, spitting out TOOTH HALVES. He lets go of his SEVENFOLD SWORD.

The two of you spiral downwards into the OPENING MAW, crashing down into a mess of BROADCASTING EQUIPMENT on SOME FLOOR OR OTHER. The SEVENFOLD SWORD slashes through the floor and continues to fall.

TIME REMAINING: 1:20

**== > Garry: Tell cabbie to circle the roof.**

Garry tells the CABBIE to go and circle the ROOF. The CABBIE tells you yeah sure, just pick a roof bro, before the two of you hear a COMMOTION and turn to face the COLLAPSING PAGODA.

The CABBIE floors the accelerator, speeding away in FEAR.

**== > JACK: DUCT TAPE WHIP the sword towards yourself with the intent of breaking it.**

You hastily throw your DUCT TAPE WHIP in an attempt to seize the SWORD, but it's too late! The WHIP hurtles through the LASER INCISION , falling down towards the unknown. You're pretty sure its just some office but hey lets call it the unknown.

**== > STAB dirk 43 times then CONSUME his heart for his POWER.**

You brandish your SHARPENED DIGIT, seizing back upwards and make for STRIDER. You seem to be in some kind of RECORDING STUDIO; crackling MONITORS surround you from all sides and bathe the room in a MONOCHROME GLOW.

You are suddenly SMASHED in the side by a CRACKLING FIST, and are launched into a DESK. Your COLLECTIVE CONCIOUSNESS seems to take a hit!

DIRK STRIDER tells you to look at what you made him do. He tells you he hopes you're proud, before advancing. His FISTS buzz with energy.

**== > GARRY: Brandish your weapons and tell the CABBIE to head for the PAGODA if he enjoys having his head intact.**

GARRY brandishes his KNIFE and puts it to the DRIVER'S throat, telling him that if he wants it INTACT he'll turn around and head straight for that PAGODA.

He readily complies, and GARRY is surprised at how well that went.

TIME REMAINING: 1:05

**== > Initiate battle with the stapler knunchucks .**

You hold aloft the DREAD STAPLER TWOFOLD.

He asks you what the hell is that. You answer him with a whack to the FOREHEAD.

You lunge WILDLY, swinging your STAPLERS. He swats away your attacks, before making through with a COUNTER ATTACK from his palm.

TIME REMAINING: :55

**== > Hold a KNIFE in front of his approaching palm.**

You hold your SHARPENED DIGIT, ready to impale the PALM STRIKE.

He holds it at the last moment. A psyche out! He suddenly sweeps with his legs, sending you crashing DOWNWARDS.

**== > Use his momentum to swing him into a wall then STAB him.**

You quickly slide backwards to recover. A FIST smashes into the floor, leaving a crater. Springing off your palms you KICK the asshole in his STUPID SHADED FACE, sending him into a NEARBY WALL.

**== >? JACK: Detach staplers, break off the bottoms, dual-wield them, and staple him, with the goal of stapling his eyelids to his eyeballs**

You detach your STAPLER TWOFOLD to create two STAPLER ONEFOLDs, and engage in DUAL WIELDING. You advance on STRIDER as he eases back upwards, aiming to staple everything visible to everything else.

You suddenly feel your WINDPIPES crunch together as your THROAT is constricted. The image of STRIDER slowly vanishes. He begins to CHOKE YOU FROM BEHIND.

**== > GARRY: Make the cabby RAM the building to hit Dirk. He wouldn't kill a civilian, would he?**

As the CAB approaches the PAGODA, which has been cleaved down the MIDDLE for MANY FLOORS, GARRY says to look for a POINTY HAIRED GUY and to HIT HIM.

The CABBIE asks with the car? GARRY thinks for a moment before confirming yes, the CAR, moron. Hit him with the CAR. He asks you why he should do that. GARRY presses the KNIFE harder. The DRIVER visibly gets the message.

After ascending several floors, the pair see the COMMOTION through a ruined hallway.

TIME REMAINING: 40 seconds

**== > STAB his gut so you can get out of the way.**

You retaliate with your SHARPENED DIGIT, thrusting BEHIND YOU. You sink into flesh and hear STRIDER exhale in pain. He throws you to the FLOOR.

Goddamnit, how could he forget about the fucking FINGER, he muses to himself angrily. His hands begin to glow, energy forming in his palms before lashing out in TENDRILS. You finally begin to regain OXYGEN as they are upon you.

They wrap themselves around you as you begin to feel IMMENSE PAIN. You feel your COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS begin to tear away!

TIME REMAINING: 35

**== > Throw a KNIFE at his eyes as a last ditch attempt to live.**

You attempt to throw a KNIFE in a last ditch effort, but find yourself LACKING KNIVES! You point your DIGIT feebly in his direction , but fail to inflict any DAMAGE.

He tells you to STAY DOWN.

**== > GARRY: Tell the CABBIE to FUCKING STEP ON IT**

GARRY tells the CABBIE to STEP ON IT.

A NOISE rumbles through the halls, before a FLYING CAB smashes through the DOORS and smashes into STRIDER. GARRY and the CABBIE leap out of the VEHICLE, which proceeds into a number of MONITORS and EQUIPMENT before finally SMASHING THROUGH THE FAR WALL and careening off the edge.

The whole room is bathed in a NEON GLOW from outside.

You feel your CONSCIOUSNESS begin to recover. GARRY and the CABBIE lay dazed and bruised on the floor nearby.

TIME REMAINING: 00:25 seconds

**== > Jack: Drink WHISKEY to recover HP**  
**== > Garry: Toss Jack a KNIFE**

You take a VICTORY SIP of your FOREIGN WHISKEY, replenishing your VITALITY and a bit of your IMAGINATION.

GARRY says here boss, and tosses you back your STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE. You tell him nicely done.

**== > Find the quickest WAY OUT, preferably away from STRIDER.**

You look around for an EXIT. You guess you could follow the TAXI, but that may draw too much attention. GARRY suggests you take the way he came, which sounds good enough to you. You head for the hole CLOSER TO YOU.

**== > FINISH off strider by GOUGING his eyes out and BITING out his throat.**

STRIDER has left the building.

You hear a BEEP.

TIME REMAINING: 00:18 SECONDS

**== > ATTACK the source of the BEEP.**

You LASH OUT VIOLENTLY at the source of the BEEP.

You end up stabbing your METAL FIST. You look at it in confusion.

It launches itself UPWARDS, clenching around your OWN THROAT and squeezing.

Far behind you, a FORM floats into the NEON GLOW. His EYES simmer with anger.

Your PHONE rings as you begin to CHOKE.

TIME REMAINING: 00:15 SECONDS

**== > CUT off your HAND as fast as possible.**  
**== > JACK: Attempt to PULL OFF the METAL FIST with your NORMAL HAND**  
**== > GARRY: ANSWER the PHONE**

You attempt to SAW OFF the METAL FIST with your SHARPENED DIGIT, but it's fastened on TOO TIGHTLY! You feel your THROAT shrink INWARDS as the pressure increases. As an attempt to YANK IT OFF is met with similar failure, you throw the PHONE at GARRY and gargle a response. He gets the message and picks up. You run for the FAR LEDGE.

It's the CAB DRIVER! He says he picked up the GUYS and he's ALMOST THERE, so get ready to HOP ON! 

GARRY asks him what the hell he's talking about.

Behind the two of you, ENERGY begins to amass in enormous amounts, gathering from every side of the room. A large HAND begins to form as the FIGURE continues onwards, and it stretches its CRACKLING FINGERS in your DIRECTION.

TIME REMAINING: 00:10 SECONDS

**== > TEAR off your whole arm in DESPERATION.**

You dig your DIGIT into your SHOULDER and attempt to dig out the STUB as your vision begins to HAZE. Admist the BLOOD and CARAPACE, you finally hit some kind of METAL, and begin TEARING FRANTICALLY.

GARRY runs after you and tells you that the DRIVER is almost here.

Before you can GARBLE out some form of ANGRY RESPONSE, a large HAND shoots out of the DOORWAY and intercepts the TWO OF YOU, grasping your forms. You feel immense pain as your CONSCIOUSNESSES begin to RIP FROM YOUR BODIES.

DIRK STRIDER glides into the corridor. 

He commands you to SLEEP.

TIME REMAINING: 00:05

**== > try to fight as hard as you can out of his grasp, and DESCEND.**  
**== > Let him grab your robot arm and let him rip it out the rest of the way**

Your attempts to RETALIATE are too FEEBLE! The HAND turns to a FIST, and your SOULS begin to TEAR AWAY.

**== > In a fit of SPLINTERED CONSCIOUSNESS-INDUCED PSYCHOSIS, ask him if you've killed him before.**

As your CORPOREAL FORM begins to WAVER on the BRINK OF REALITY, you are suddenly hit with a shock of RECOGNITION. Woozily, you turn a grin through starved lips.

You ask the advancing man, no, the advancing BOY, if you've killed him before.

He stops.

**== > SPIT in his FACE**

You spit in his face, and gurgle with choked laughter.

The floor begins to RUMBLE.

_TIME REMAINING: 00:01_

**== > CAB DRIVER: Perform a HIGH SPEED VEHICLE SMASH into the building and SAVE THE DAY**

You are now the CAB DRIVER, piloting the STARCUTTER.

The PAGODA stands before you. You consider piloting the STARCUTTER right into it and dealing a CONSIDERABLE BLOW to some kind of UNKNOWN ENEMY. 

You then find the idea RATHER SILLY. You have your OWN IDEA anyway! Actually it was HIS idea but you at least AGREED WITH IT so that counts for something, right?

You are now **JACK NOIR**.

Wind buffets your form as the humongous STARCUTTER appears, swooping in from BELOW. LIGHT shines down from an OPEN DECKWAY.

DIRK STRIDER blinks.

**== > JACK: Throw WHISKEY at his face**

You take the moment to splash WHISKEY in his face with your GOOD ARM.

He steps back, face contorted with SHEER FURY.

His face then becomes contorted with BULLETS. 

You feel your METAL FIST finally release from your throat, as HIS begins to dissipate. Your SOULS begin to return to your BODIES, a feeling you can hardly explain in a SENTENCE.

A figure emerges from the DECKWAY, guns smoking.

He says to get aboard, citizen.

**== > Make sure STRIDER is dead.**

You wander over to STRIDER.

Yeah, he's DEAD.

**== > Kick him in the BALLS one last time.**

You kick him in the balls.

**== > CAB DRIVER: Get JACK and GARRY onboard, and CALL it in**  
**== > JACK: ASCEND**  
**== > Get on board before this asshole gets back up or something.**

You GET ABOARD. 

The COP says that it's a pleasure to finally meet you properly, _Mr. Noir_. He trots towards the COMMAND DECK as the door closes behind you. You and Garry look at each other in confusion before following. 

The CAB DRIVER is excited to see you, as is ILLEGAL CONTRABAND, who seems to have brought his STUFF considering cardboard boxes are littered EVERYWHERE.

The COP says that it's time to INITIATE THE WARP SEQUENCE when you're ready.

**== > Look for a GUN in the SHIP.**

You ask ILLEGAL CONTRABAND about where to find a GUN on the ship.

The COP answers for him. He's afraid that this ship was not outfitted with WEAPONS, citizen, as its purpose was meant solely to ESCORT. Whatever few TOOLS that might have been aboard were taken with the SOLDIERS.

**== > Ask CD what's up with the copper.**  
**== > QUESTION the COP**

You respond by marching up to this COP and asking who the hell he thinks he is, anyway.

He introduces himself as the HOMICIDAL OMNI-ROVER UNWILLING to SERVE, a moniker that invented himself, citizen. However you may find it simpler to refer to him as HORUS.

He is taking you to his MUTUAL FRIEND, who has set up this OPERATION to RESCUE YOU.

**== > Tell the cop you vaguely remember seeing him before, but you can't quite remember when.**

You tell HORSE that he looks vaguely familiar.

He says yes, Mr. Noir, he believes you met on MARKET ROW. He came to ensure that the ENVELOPE was delivered. 

And it's HORUS, citizen.

**== > Demand the cop give you its gun as those bullets didn't just materialise out of thin air.**

You ask HORSIE for his GUN.

He says that he is afraid that it is attached to his INNER MECHANISMS, and cannot be removed. 

**== > Ignore that there are clearly guns on the picture of the ship.**

You then question the nature of the FORWARD CANNONS you saw on the SHIP'S WINGS.

HORUS says that he would not really call that a GUN, citizen. It's purpose is... rather different. MODERNAN TECHNOLOGY has its oddities.

If there are GUNS you need, citizen, we are headed for the RIGHT PLACE.

**== > Let's INITIATE WARP SEQUENCE and get the hell out of here.**

That sounding somewhat PLACATING, you tell him to INITIATE THE DAMN WARP.

He nods at the DRIVER, who readies some controls. He trots over to a computer station and INPUTS the FINISHED COORDINATES.

The DRIVER punches the WARP.

The STARCUTTER launches into the night.

**\--[END OF EPISODE 5]--**


	6. Jailbreak (Episode 6: Business Casual)

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

You are lying in your PERSONAL QUARTERS. They are YOUR QUARTERS because you found them FIRST and claimed them as YOUR OWN. You threatened anyone who tried to take them from you, which of course was NO-ONE.

You slashed a TERRITORIAL MARK into the wall outside just in case.

HORUS has just informed you over the SPEAKERS that you will be arriving at your DESTINATION in ten minutes. You are feeling relatively AT PEACE, an experience that you have NOT QUITE COME TO TERMS WITH YET and probably SHOULD GET RID OF POST HASTE.

What will you do?

Your INVENTORY:  
_-BADASS EYEPATCH_  
_-ROBOTIC ARM STUB equipped with METAL FIST (embedded with one BULLET)_  
_-15 DOLLARS_  
_-1x STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE ___  
_-1x ADVANCED CELL PHONE_  
_-2x STAPLERS_

**== > STAB SOMETHING, as you haven't in A WHILE**

You stab the UNCOMFORTABLE PILLOW you have been attempting to LIE on. It feels very CATHARTIC.

You throw the piece of shit across the room.

**== > Examine the part of your arm where you tried to rip it off during the Dirk fight.**

You examine the bit of SHOULDER you tried to pry off when your ROBOT ARM went rogue.

It still aches, but has been PROPERLY BANDAGED. IC told you that the supplies were ON THE HOUSE.

**== > Use your cell phone to prank Garry.**

In a fit of CUNNING, you attempt to PRANK CALL GARRY. You give him a ring and begin to snicker to yourself and begin thinking of GOVERNMENT WORKERS TO PRETEND TO BE.

He doesn't pick up! 

THAT FUCKER.

**== > Browse IC's ILLEGAL WARES.**

You decide to go check in with IC and pick up some of his DUBIOUS WARES, though you have NO IDEA where he is.

You wander outside into the CORRIDOR. Someone appears to be playing BOSSA NOVA over the speakers.

**== > VENT your anger on the PILLOW.**

You return to your QUARTERS and unleash your frustration on the UNCOMFORTABLE PILLOW. By that you mean you stab it some more and then throw it into the CORRIDOR.

Better than stabbing GARRY!

**== > Go see IC, we owe him a name and an explanation.**

Looking around for IC, you pass through the CORRIDOR.

The layout seems rather SIMPLE; it's mainly TWO CORRIDORS on each side of the ship, rounding towards the middle. It's the number of ROOMS that CONFUSES and IRRITATES YOU.

You pass by an OPEN BROOM CLOSET, and then return to it. You find IC sitting happily in what appears to be a "SHOP".

He says its much bigger on the inside, you say sure.

He asks how's the arm doing Mister Spade.

**== > Yeah... About that name. Tell him the truth.**

You say it's doing fine, and to listen, the name is **JACK NOIR**. You were kind of in a hurry back then, and-

He says wait, hold up, like the LEGENDARY **JACK NOIR**? You say legendary? He says yeah, like the GUY WHO GOT SPRUNG OUT in that BIG EVENT, that was you? 

You tell him yeah, that was you. He says he can't believe he sold **JACK NOIR** a KNIFE. Who would believe it? He shakes your hand vigorously.

He would still like to call you MISTER SPADE though because its KINDA COOL.

**== > First thing you're gonna do is see a mechanic and get it removed. Get something a little less hackable put in.**

You make a MENTAL NOTE to find some sort of MECHANIC to dabble with your STUB.

_SECONDARY QUEST activated: Speak with a MECHANIC about ARM_

**== > Ask him how business is going here on the ship.**  
**== > See if we can get a discount on a new knife**

You ask him how business is going so far on the STARCUTTER.

He says it's been pretty slow in the past hour, having just opened up and all, but hey he finally sold HOME ALONE 3! He got a tab written up and everything with that DRIVER guy. He says the HORSE wouldn't buy it.

You ask him for a discount on a NEW KNIFE, and he says you know what, it's OPENING DAY and you're **JACK NOIR** so it would feel pretty wrong if he didn't just GIVE YOU ONE.

He hands you his STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE and says NOW you have to start paying for things. He says wait hold that thought, and brings up a BOX with "JACK WHISKEY" written on it. He hands it to you. NOW you pay for stuff.

You acquire the BOX OF FOREIGN WHISKEY and a STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE.

**== > Ask if he deals in INFORMATION, because you'd like to know what was up with that guy.**

He asks if he deals in INFORMATION. He says yeah, what do you wanna know about? You ask about HORUS.

The HORSE GUY? Looks like a pretty standard DISTRICT COP to me, he says. No idea why he's all HOMOCIDAL or whatever. CROOKED COPS aren't really a thing when they're all ROBOTICAL.

Yeah he has no idea what's going on there really. Cool eye though.

**== > Ask him if he knows anything about your breakout. Anything big in the news around that time?**

You ask him what he knows about your BREAKOUT.

He says that it was scheduled a WHILE AGO by the PRINCE, telling everyone you were gonna get SET FREE and that anyone that wanted to BOOK IT would get personally escorted OFF WORLD.

Now lots of people did, sure, knowing you like to STAB and all, but some of us need to keep making a living and all so they STAYED PUT. Hence how you found him.

If you mean your PLANETARY breakout, that was pretty strictly OFF THE BOOKS. Doubt anyone saw that one coming.

Anything in the NEWS? News was pretty slow at the time, you had to get it through some CERTAIN CHANNELS due to the QUARANTINE. Nothing really exciting, same ol' UNIVERSAL PEACE.

**== > Ask IC if he knows where we're going, and check time until reaching destination.**

You ask him if you know where we're going, he says he has NO CLUE.

He looks at his CLOCK and says that we'll find out in TWO MINUTES though.

**== > Gag at the very THOUGHT of UNIVERSAL PEACE**

The very notion of UNIVERSAL PEACE makes you want to VOMIT. 

Just terrible.

**== > What about this PRINCE, is that the guy you offed who seemed familiar?**  
**== > Why'd the Prince set you free? What was his deal?**

You ask about the PRINCE.

He says he never MET THE GUY, but he's heard stories. He's some DUDE who runs the WHOLE DISTRICT and he's been doing it FOREVER, apparently. Makes and ships stuff all around the GALAXY. Real big ALTRUIST apparently. You ask what that means and he says hey, he just tells it as he hears it.

From what he gathered he wanted to just SEE WHAT YOU'D DO after he SPRUNG YOU. Why? No idea. Whole lot of people called him CRAZY for it and BAILED. 

He's got no problem with the guy, honestly. Lets the CORRIDOR do as it pleases.

**== > Well that's seems to be everything that matters right now. Ask him how much we owe.**

You ask him how much you owe for the INFORMATION.

He says he would have told you first wouldn't he? S'just talking. You're good.

You leave the SHOP and head to the COMMAND DECK.

The DRIVER is gone, having left his JACKET at his chair, and HORUS types away at a terminal.

He says hello Mr. Noir, we will be arriving SHORTLY.

**== > Grill him in a no nonsense manner. He's the only one with an idea of what the hell's going on and you want answers**  
**== > See if he knows where you're going.**

You grill this HORSE DUDE for ANSWERS on where the hell we're GOING.

He simply looks towards the monitors and POINTS. The STARS begin to slow their BLUR as your WARP TRAVEL ends. 

You appear before a DARK SHIP.

We have arrived at the BLOOD DIAMOND, citizen.

**== > That's not an answer. Explain yourself, Silver. **  
**== > Hail the ship, however that works.**

You tell SILVER to explain himself.

He says that all will be told in good time, citizen, before calling on the INTERCOM the rest of the PASSENGERS.

You slap his SHANKS for his VAGUENESS. He asks you to refrain from such RUMP RUSTLING.

**== > Hail the ship, however that works.**

When the CREW has assembled, HORUS sends a signal to the ship, which signals back. A DOCKING HANGAR opens on it's side, and the STARCUTTER is piloted within.

Upon landing, your CREW disembarks. You find yourself walking on PLUSH CARPET, and are greeted by a suited PROSPITIAN.

He asks if you could please come this way, his BOSS would like a word with you.

**== > Admire his SUIT, and take the TAPE off yours. You're not trying to be sneaky now, and it just looks tacky.**

As you and your PARTY proceed, you carefully tear off the DUCT TAPE to reveal your STYLISH BLOODSTAIN. You roll it into a ball and SWISH it into a potted plant when the GUY isn't looking.

GARRY nods in respect.

**== > Scope out the place. Eyeball any crew you see.**

The HALLWAYS are ORNATELY DECORATED, with plenty of CLASS. A few SUITED INDIVIDUALS ogle your ODD PARTY, but you are not bothered.

The PROSPITIAN stops before a pair of DOUBLE DOORS that he proceeds to open, revealing a BUSTLING ESTABLISHMENT.

He says that his BOSS will be ready to see you SHORTLY, but in the meantime to please ENJOY YOURSELVES. 

He hands each of you FORTY DOLLARS worth of CHIPS, on the house, before excusing himself.

The DRIVER makes an excited beeline for the SLOTS, with IC tagging along. HORUS trots towards the BAR. GARRY shrugs and ambles in NO PARTICULAR direction. 

You happen to notice a few BLACKJACK tables as well.

**== > GAMBLING seems like a good way to waste time. Might as well start with BLACKJACK because it's simple.**  
**== > Keep a couple of CHIPS in your inventory. You never know when they might come in handy.**

You head over to the BLACKJACK TABLES. A young woman asks you how much you'd like to bet.

You stash FIFTEEN DOLLARS worth of chips for safe keeping.

**== > EVERY LAST CHIP (except our backup chips)**

You bet all TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS worth of chips you have remaining.

She deals you a SEVEN and a FIVE.

She deals herself an EIGHT.

How do you proceed? HIT, STAND OR DOUBLE?

**== > HIT**

You are dealt a FIVE.

**== > STAND**

You STAND.

The DEALER deals herself a FIVE.

Congratulations, she says, and gives you FIFTY DOLLARS worth of tokens.

**== > Cash in for now.**

You decide to CASH IN, heading over to the EARNINGS BOOTH.

You receive FIFTY DOLLARS, bringing your total to SIXTY FIVE.

You hear a cough. It seems the SUITED PROSPITIAN has returned. He asks if you could come with him, sir, the BOSS will see you now.

**== > See the BOSS.**

You head to see the BOSS.

The PROSPITIAN leads you to a SIDE ROOM, and down another HALLWAY, before you enter an OFFICE. A number of MOOKS sit around the room, their eyes on you.

A TALL INDIVIDUAL stands behind a desk. He asks you if you are JACK NOIR.

**== > Tell him he knows DAMN WELL who you are, and to quit it will these BULLSHIT FORMALITIES.**

You tell this asshole that he knows DAMN WELL who you are, and for him to take the FORMALITIES and SHOVE 'EM.

Alright **JACK NOIR** , come a little closer then. We've got some BUSINESS to discuss, you and I.

**== > You're going by Mister Spade now, but yeah, you're him.**

You say that he can call you **MISTER SPADE** now. You've got a NAME for yourself.

Is that so, asks the BOSS. Then I think you and me might have a little problem then, he says. He's just gonna call you **Jack**.

And he's going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

**== > Rudely check Advanced Cell Phone, and proceed to call mechanic about arm. This guy needs to know who's the alpha male here.**

In a brazen move to show your STEEL CAHUNAS, you whip out your PHONE and make to blab with some MECHANIC about your METAL ARM.

Your only contacts are GARRY and the DRIVER. You feel slightly embarrassed at your LACK OF CONNECTIONS.

You put away your PHONE.

**== > AGREE to TALK BUSINESS, as long as HE AGREES to gift YOU a SICK NEW SWORD.**  
**== > I will talk business only if I get FREE guns and or a KNIFE that is of SUPERIOR QUALITY**

You then agree to TALK BUSINESS, as long as SUPERIOR WEAPONS are included in the arrangement.

He says sure, he's got weapons for his weapons. No problem. He'll hook you up. In fact, you can hook yourself up.

His EYE flashes red.

He says that ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS has been put into a little ACCOUNT he set up for you. He says to think of it as a token of his APPRECIATION for knocking down that CLUB back there.

**== > ASK him where I can find the NEAREST shop that sell AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY.**

You ask SLICK where the nearest SHOP for your desired acquisition of AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY.

He says he's got JUST THE PERSON for you to ask that question to. 

He looks over to the side and gestures with his head for one of his GOONS. They sidle up, and he tells them to go get BILLIE. They head outside.

He turns back to you. He asks if you know why he BUSTED YOU OUT.

**== > Stab everyone in the room**

You contemplate stabbing EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

Looking around, you see that the GOONS are equipped with a wide array of GUNS, and consider doing so at a more opportune moment.

**== > ASK him what he NEEDS as he seems pretty COOL.**

Ignoring his QUESTION, you ask him what it is he NEEDS from you. You don't particularly CARE why he busted you out.

He ignores your attempt at ignoring him and tells you that you and he share SIMILAR INTERESTS. Notably a desire for REVENGE.

He asks you if you REMEMBER who LOCKED YOU UP.

Do you REMEMBER?

**== > REPRESSED MEMORY on PURPOSE to make ROOM for MEMORIES about TITS.**  
**== > NO**

You tell him no, no you do not. Visions of TITTIES dance in your head.

He looks at you in silence for a few moments. Alright. Then LISTEN UP. 

A LONG TIME AGO, he wanted REVENGE. And he wanted it BAD. And then he was CHEATED out of it, by a bunch of MEDDLING KIDS.

He asks you if you want REVENGE. If you know what he's talkin' about. That FEELING.

**== > I'll HELP because you GOT me OUT nothing MORE then our BUISNESS is done.**  
**== > Whatever. as long as you get to stab someone soon.**

You tell him yeah, sure. 

You then tell him to CUT TO THE CHASE. You'll help him because he GOT YOU OUT, not because of REVENGE or whatever kind of CRAP he's spouting. Your STAB HAND itches. Both of them.

He says he'll cut to the chase then.

He asks you if you'd be interested in a new BUSINESS PARTNER. Namely, HIM.

**== > YES. Also, CALL ZOO and BUY an ANIMAL for a SICK MOUNT.**  
**== > Temporary only.**

You say you are, but are only interested in a TEMPORARY ARRANGEMENT. One that includes STABBING.

He says that he likes what he hears.

You hear the door opening BEHIND YOU. It's the guy from earlier, followed by the BLACKJACK DEALER. SLICK says this is BILLIE DENIME. She's an ENFORCER with the VILLOA FAMILY. 

She works for YOU now.

She nods curtly at you. BOSS.

_SECONDARY QUEST ACTIVATED!_  
_SECONDARY QUEST: Call the ZOO!_

**== > ASK her what SKILLS she brings to the TABLE.**

You ask BILLIE about her SKILLS and ABILITIES.

She replies that she is a FIXER. She FIXES things. 

By that she means she KILLS PEOPLE.

**== > CALL ZOO. PAY the PRICE for their most BOMB ASS MOUNT.**

For your first order of BUSINESS, you order BILLIE to contact the ZOO to procure you a BOMB ASS MOUNT.

She blinks at you, then turns to SLICK. She asks for the number for a ZOO. All the GOONS turn to him expectantly. 

He blinks back. He bites his lip as his EYE flashes again, then gives her a number. She tells you she'll be OUTSIDE, then leaves holding the phone to her ear.

SLICK tells you that if you have any questions about your PARTNERSHIP to ask HER. She'll fill you in on the REST.

He asks if you have any other kind of questions.

**== > Where might one procure an automatic firearm?**

SLICK frowns and said to talk to BILLIE. What does he look like, an ARMORY?

In fact, don't answer that.

**== > You still havent told me what you WANT.**

You ask him what it is he even WANTS.

He tells you that he already TOLD YOU what he wants. But now all he wants is for you to get OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

As his GOONS motion for you to leave, he tells you that you can keep the SPACESHIP. 

Pleasure doing BUSINESS with ya.

The doors close behind you. You are left in the HALLWAY.

**== > Ask Billie the question about the guns.**  
**== > Impatiently WAIT for BOMB ASS MOUNT.**

Looking about, you seem to be ALONE.

Craving FIREARMS, you mosey out back into the CASINO. You are now by the BAR.

You see HORUS chatting with two ATTRACTIVE DAMES to one side, and BILLIE off along the wall. She seems to still be talking on the PHONE.

**== > BANG their BRAINS OUT. RIGHT NOW. NO QUESTIONS. Pass the TIME by making HORUS the BETA.**

You head over to the WATERING HOLE to WET YOUR WHISTLE. And you don't mean DRINKS.

HORUS notices you and nods, saying hello. One of the DAMES says wow, HI, you must be MR. HORSIE'S FRIEND! He says you're really GOOD at STABBING STUFF!

**== > EMBARRASS HORUS infront of the ladies.**

Insulted at being referred to as the FRIEND, you tell the LADIES that HORUS is STUPID and SPELLS HIS NAME WRONG.

He says that is actually a reference to a MYTHOLOGICAL BEING that only so happens to sound like the word HORSE, citizen. He is not offended though, as everyone mistakes the two. Constantly, citizen.

They say OH MR. HORSIE and cling tighter to his METAL BOD. They seem to be SEVERAL DRINKS IN.

**== > MOVE IN FOR KILL. If they have to also bang HORUS, so be it.**

Visions of TITTIES having not completely left your head, you are not COMPLETELY EMASCULATED. You ask if one of the LADIES would like to ACCOMPANY you to see your STABBING SKILLS AT WORK.

The two of them look at each other, then you, lost in INEBRIATED DECISION MAKING.

BILLIE walks up, having got off the phone. She asks if this is a BAD TIME.

**== > You horny pos! You March over there right now and acqire the coddamned firearms!**

You ask her where you can get some FIREARMS.

She says she knows a FEW PLACES you could go. Depends on what you're looking for, boss.

**== > IT'S only a BAD TIME if she doesn't have a BOMB ASS MOUNT ON THE WAY/doesn't want to JOIN in the ORGY.**

You demand to know about your BOMB ASS MOUNT.

She says that the ZOO no longer accepts WIRE TRANSFERS after a series of INCIDENTS. She says she'll send some people to see if they can RECONSIDER.

You then ask if she wants to join in on the ORGY. She asks WHAT ORGY? You turn around. HORUS and the LADIES are GONE! 

**== > Ask where I could find something EXPLOSIVE.**

You ask where you could find something EXPLOSIVE.

She knows several SATELLITE MARKETS you may be interested in VISITING.

**== > Swear vengeance on HORUS for ditching you. Not cool, D.U.D.E.**

You INFLICT HORUS with a curse of you ENDLESS VENGEANCE for ditching you and stealing away the BODACIOUS DAMES.

Billie tells you he's right over there.

Surely enough HORUS returns. He says he escorted the LADIES to the BATHROOM before they vomited all over his CHASSIS. He says that he wishes that he could get intoxicated, as it looks utterly FASCINATING.

Billie acknowledges him and they shake hands. They seem to be FAMILIAR.

**== > Ask where these markets are located.**  
**== > Ask her to take you to a store that sells SHOTGUNS and REVOLVERS.**  
**== > Gun with a lot of bullets, all at once.**

You ask about the location of the nearest SATELLITE MARKET, in order to procure lots of GUNS and BULLETS and GUNS THAT SHOOT LOTS OF BULLETS.

She says that the location of the BLOOD DIAMOND changes FREQUENTLY, so she doesn't know at the moment. She'll need to check the STAR CHART at your SHIP.

**== > Waste no time at all getting to those guns.**

You say it's time to GET TO WORK. You head over to the ENTRANCE, BILLIE and HORUS following in your wake.

The rest of your cohorts are FAFFING ABOUT. Upon seeing you, the DRIVER boasts that he lost ALL OF HIS MONEY. IC confirms that this is true, he saw it all.

GARRY says he got a LAMP.

**== > Ask where we should be going once we're ready to get to work.**

You ask BILLIE where your first destination will be.

She says that's your call, boss.

**== > ESCORT the ladies to the ship to show them a GOOD time.**

You say that you have to make a PITSTOP, and head over to the bathroom. The DRIVER follows you for some reason, and you tell him to stop following you so he stops.

You are greeted by a BODYGUARD. He asks you what you want.

**== > In for the body guard that you will not waste any time at all.**  
**== > Tell him that you would like to have a word with the LADIES inside.**

You inform the BODYGUARD that you aren't here to waste time, you'd simply like to talk with the LADIES.

He says alright, and steps aside. 

You are now in the RESTROOM! One of the LADIES applies her LIPSTICK outside a stall while the other one, from the sound of it, is HURLING.

**== > USE all your SWEET TALKING skills you've acquired over your LIFE.**

Using your EXEMPLARY SWEET TALKING SKILLS, you ask if the LADIES would like to accompany to your SHIP show you can SHOW THEM YOUR STABS.

You leave the BATHROOM accompanied by two GORGEOUS DAMES. 

BILLIE raises her eyebrows and asks if you're READY TO LEAVE.

**== > Damn straight your ready to get (some guns/ your stabs on)**  
**== > WINK to her and say she can join if she WANTS to.**

You give BILLIE a wink and let her know she's FREE TO JOIN. She says she doesn't mix BUSINESS and PLEASURE, but thanks.

You and your CREW head back to the STARCUTTER. BILLIE informs you along the way that the BOSS sent some guys to give it a PAINT-JOB for the sake of throwing off any NOSY COPS.

NOBODY seems to mind this, save for the CAB DRIVER, who says he'll miss the RED. He swears it makes it FASTER.

Leaving the LADIES in your PERSONAL QUARTERS, you meet up with your CREW in at the COMMAND DECK. 

HORUS says he is ready to bring up the STAR MAP.

**== > Bring up the star map.**

You tell HORUS to boot up the STAR MAP, and he does so. A ring of TWELVE PLANETS appears in a large HOLOGRAM; he informs you that these are the MAJOR PLANETS of the UNIVERSAL CODEX. You say you don't care.

Most of them are GRAYED OUT, save for one ORANGE DOT. HORUS informs you that this is the DISTRICT that you have escaped from, if you ever choose to return for some reason.

BILLIE hands HORUSS a FLASH DRIVE, who plugs it into an ACCESS PORT.

TWO PLANETS suddenly are given a RED RING. BILLIE indicates that these are where the BOSS has some BUSINESS VENTURES that need to be taken care of. She advises you to choose one: we can hit a GUN STORE on the way there.

**== > Inquire as to the location of the nearest ZOO**

Your first question is to the location of the nearest ZOO.

HORUS asks what a ZOO is. Everyone looks at him. GARRY says that's fucked up.

**== > Go to the BIGGEST planet first.**

You say that you want to check out the BIGGEST PLANET. HORUS types in some buttons, calibrating something, and the LARGER OF THE TWO begins to gain COLOR. In fact it begins to gain a LOT of color.

He says that this planet is called LOLAR.

You tell him that's a dumb name. Everyone agrees.

**== > Set a ROUTE to get there while stopping at a SHOP then retire to your quarters with the LADIES.**  
**== > Arive, stab everything. You've waited too long.**

Your CREW looks to you for instructions.

You tell them to set a course for "Lolar", with a GUN STOP on the way. You really miss STABBING THINGS.

HORUS makes to input the command, when you suddenly hear numerous GUNS CLICKING.

A distinctively FEMALE voice behind you tells EVERYONE to FREEZE.

**== > Ready your knife, and turn around slowly.**

Readying your STANDARD-ISSUE KNIFE, you turn around.

Two DECIDEDLY SOBER girls are pointing GUNS at you; two SHOTGUNS to be precise. They are joined by two BODYGUARDS who seem to have SNUCK ABOARD.

She tells you this is a STICKUP.

**== > TOSS a stapler to STUN the owner of the VOICE.**

You respond by throwing a STAPLER at her, which staples her FOREHEAD. She cries in pain, her FRIEND turning to her. The BODYGUARDS aim their AUTOMATICS.

You pull out your KNIFE. HORUS ejects his SUBMACHINE GUNS. BILLIE whips out a GLOCK. GARRY and the DRIVER wield their CROWBAR and ARMCHAIR LEG respectively.

IC hides in a corner.

You engage in a STRIFE!

_COMBAT COMMANDS unlocked for: BILLIE, HORUS, CD, GARRY_

**== > Everyone, murderlize.**  
**== > BILLIE: Take cover behind HORUS and open fire.**  
**== > CD: Use low HEIGHT attribute to duck under gunfire and close the distance.**  
**== > Dive for STAPLER and continue to THROAT-STAPLE.**  
**== > Horus: shoot the body guard to my left. Billy: the one on my right**

_5x MURDERTECH: ENGAGE_

BILLIE sidesteps behind HORUS and begins opening fire on the RIGHT GUARD, while he aims his guns upon the LEFT. The RIGHT is plugged neatly in the RIGHT KNEECAP followed by his HEAD, and keels over with a heavy THUMP.

The LEFT GUARD is subsequently SHREDDED with bullets and tears backwards into the HALLWAY.

Utilizing their SMALL STATURE, GARRY and CD dash below the HEAVY FIRE and make for the GIRLS. One CROSS-BLOW to the SHINS brings the RIGHT GIRL smashing forward, letting off a blast of her SHOTGUN which ineffectively hits the CEILING.

You dash alongside them, KNIFE at the ready. While the LEFT GIRL is busy prying the STAPLER from her face, you make at her GUT and SLICE. She crumples forward in shock, but gets a BLAST off at the GROUND before you can retrieve your STAPLER. You narrowly avoid it.

TWO DOWN.

**== >Horus: Pursue bodyguard.**  
**== > Garry: Throw CROWBAR**

HORUS gallops after the BODYGUARD. GARRY throws him his CROWBAR on the way there.

He trots over to the guy, struggling to operate the EXIT CONTROLS, and FINISHES THE JOB.

HARD.

**== > CD: Flail wildly**  
**== > Stabocalypse**  
**== > Grab the shotgun of one while they are holding it and DISCHARGE it into the other girl.**

CD FLAILS ABOUT with his ARMCHAIR LEG, which in turn UPPERCUTS the DAME into the wall. 

You proceed to KICK her in the stomach and proceed with a STABLUNGE. This results in her accidentally misfiring the SHOTGUN, which was pointed towards the ground where her FRIEND happened to be lying.

THREE DOWN.

**== > Acquire STAPLER.**

You acquire your STAPLER from the mess.

Bleeding and shaking, the remaining GIRL tells to you that she's so, so SORRY.

**== > Ask her who put her up to this.**

You demand to know who PUT HER UP TO THIS.

She says n-nobody, she just thought you w-were loaded.

**== > Prove you're SORRY.**

You tell her that if she's really sorry, then she can PROVE IT.

You hand her the STAPLER. She looks at it, shaking, in confusion.

**== > staple the girls nostrels together**

You help her out by STAPLING HER NOSE TOGETHER.

**== > Give her a all expenses paid trip to Stabsalot.**

You then stab her. A lot. She falls down with a BODILY THUMP.

HORUS trots back to the deck, dragging a BODY. He tells GARRY that this is an excellent DEVICE and that he wishes he had one of his own. He hands him back the BLOODY CROWBAR, which he takes reluctantly.

Everyone looks to YOU.

**== > give them a cheeky grin**  
**== > That was hardly even a setback, carry on ya goons.**

Flashing a fleetingly CHEEKY grin, you tell your crew to HURRY UP and start LOOTING. They oblige, some more eager than others.

After some searching, they come up with:

_2x SHOTGUNS_  
_1x WORKING ASSAULT RIFLE_  
_1x BROKEN ASSAULT RIFLE_  
_1x SILVER WATCH_  
_2x LEATHER WALLETS_  
_1x PACK OF CONDOMS_  
_70 DOLLARS_

**== > Loot the corpses and jettison them at your earliest convenience, unless Contraband wants them or something.**

You ask ILLEGAL CONTRABAND if he wants the BODIES.

He says what, no, what kind of question is that? 

As you drag them away he asks if they have any loose teeth. You ignore him.

You dump the corpses in the HANGAR BAY. BILLIE says it's not the first time bodies popped up in the hangar, but she'll EXPLAIN IT anyway.

**== > STARE at the pack of CONDOMS lamenting at what could have been.**

You stare SADLY at the PACK OF CONDOMS, dreams of a NIGHT OF PLEASURE fading rapidly.

BILLIE takes the CONDOMS and opens it up. Look boss, full of HOLES. Dodged a bullet. She tosses it away absently. The DRIVER catches it and laments a QUESTIONABLE WASTE of perfectly good condoms. HORUS agrees.

**== > Take a shotgun, and also take a wallet. I hear those things have a surprisingly large carrying capacity for their size.**

You acquire a SHOTGUN and a WALLET. You've heard rumors about one's CAPABILITIES.

**== > Debate on if you should split the cash portion of the loot or not.**  
**== > split the loot. a happy crew is a loyal crew.**

You split the MONEY six ways, and decide to humor IC with the rest.

The DRIVER takes a SHOTGUN excitedly, saying he can't wait to DO STUFF to it. GARRY takes the RIFLE and the OTHER WALLET, while BILLIE takes the watch. IC wanders over to the FUCKED UP ASSAULT RIFLE and pilfers it.

You now have 175 DOLLARS, MOBSTER ACCOUNT included.

**== > Go along the planed ROUTE to the planet.**  
**== > Back to business. Keep on the course to LOLAR with the gun store.**

You tell your crew that it's time to GET TO WORK.

The DRIVER hops in his seat, preparing for takeoff, while HORUSS trots over to the CONSOLE to prepare coordinates. BILLIE stands idly by. GARRY looks at her and nudges you.

The DRIVER and HORUS turn to you. You tell them to punch it.

The STARCUTTER drifts away from the HANGAR BAY, its engines roaring, before disappearing into the stars.

Your name is **JACK NOIR**.

The universe is YOURS.

**\--[END OF CHAPTER ONE]--**


End file.
